If you’re anything like me, you’re always being invited to multi-course dinner parties at the homes of the social elite, and you’re running out of clever hostess gift ideas.

Right? I mean, that bottle of wine you picked? Not only does it NOT complement the jellied chicken and tarragon terrine at all, but a 1989? I give 1989 reds to the dog, and even he doesn’t drink them. All you’re doing here is embarrassing yourself and frankly, it’s a little painful.

Instead, give your gracious host or hostess something useful in the kitchen. To wit: salt made from tears of sorrow. You could opt for salt made from tears of anger or laughter, but I find that nothing adds the tantalizing but unidentifiable complexity that really makes a dish hum like tears of sorrow.