I apologize in advance that I am about to become such a riddle wrapped in an enigma, shrouded in a veil of mystery. And then, since this is America, wrapped in bacon, deep-fried in tallow, and washed down with a 64-ounce Mountain Dew.
I would recommend either Mountain Dew Live Wire or, if you still have a can in your Dew Cellar, a 2008 Voltage. Also yes, that is sausage wrapped in bacon (courtesy of Flickr member alaczek).
Here’s the thing: time for weeknight posting is likely going to be severely curtailed for the next couple of weeks, except for the Smackdown. I WANT to tell you why, but I can’t. Yet. Just know this: at the end of this period of trial and travail, life will either be Remarkably Better or Stunningly Fantastic. Either outcome is fine with me.
I know well the fertile imaginations of the TNS commentariat. To give you something to mull, here are some of the things I MIGHT try to do over the next two or three weeks:
- Take the plunge and start a family traveling band. Of course, as this is my family, we would be a heavy, melodic stoner-doom outfit; none of this Edelweiss bullshit. Our name will be “Pyrotechnic Flock Disruption” and our low-end will be so powerful it will loosen your bowels at 50 meters, so wear dark trousers to our shows.
- Fulfill a lifelong dream of living abroad and getting to spend more time with my family by moving to Italy and opening a school to teach idiomatic English to future exchange students. Intensive sessions will include “Intermediate Sarcasm Deployment” and “Carlin’s Big Seven: Making Them Your Own.”
- Study my ass off to re-take the New York bar exam – I let my 2004 results expire, because I am a genius – so I can sell my soul to a big firm for long enough to sock away a pile of gold bullion, at which point I will move to a small beach house and spend my days taste-testing every variant of Celestial Seasonings tea and writing crackpot letters to local weekly newspapers.
I’ll even give you a hint, because I like you so much: it’s not actually any of these things, so get to gossiping amongst yourselves like the biddies you are; I look forward to monitoring the speculation in the comments.
A final PSA: if you’ve arrived here via Saveur, allow me to answer your questions:
- Yes, I pretty much am that much of a jerk.
- Yes, I do actually write about food from time to time.
- No, I don’t think I’m all that and a bag of chips, although my response to this question might vary based on the brand and flavor of the chips in question.
- No, I don’t think that cursing on my blog makes me a less creative writer.
- Yes, I am silently judging you right now. So are all my readers, because that is How We Roll.
Welcome!
Thursday Night Smackdown 
I hope for Stunningly Fantastic, altho…. don’t take this wrong… I hope that all this joy and sunshine doen’t water down your angry snarkness. I would miss that.
(but would still wish you joy and blah blah blah, I’m not heartless!)
@cynic, as long as the world is still full of stupid idiots, i think i’ll be okay.
Honestly I think you passed over the finest Mountain Dew option on the market, the Throwback Mountain Dew. There is no finer Dew in my estimation.
Also, yay to whatever “Remarkably Better or Stunningly Fantastic” thing it is that’s happening.
I bet you are establishing an Etsy shop where you will offer crochet replicas of your smackdown foods.
I absolutely would listen to your melodic stoner/doom metal band.
Yea boy, I would also listen to your stoner/doom metal band’s music. But I am hesitant to commit to live shows. I’m thinking that maybe you’ll want to add tall rubber boots and nose clips to the dark pant attire, if the low end is that powerful. But never turn it down. I am all over massive low end, regardless of the consequences. Can’t wait to hear the details of the fab new career path.
@kristen, that is an excellent guess; you know me well. however, i am insufficiently crafty and diy-oriented.
also, i actually once had a stoner-doom jam band. me, brian, his younger brother randy and a needy drummer named ralph who eventually broke up with us because he “needed space.” we played two shows at the brighton bar in 2003. heady days.
I’ve been reading your blog since almost the beginning; I originally came for the food, but your writing is what’s kept me coming back. Loved the write-up in Savueur! Nice job of hiding behind that coffee cup, by the way.
here’s hoping for a stunningly fantastic beach house. although volunteer to teach sarcasm as a second language if the chance arises. hope all goes well, and bring on the snarkiness, good times!
I am a loser. I just meant to subscribe to the feed and instead left a blank reply. My bad.
ED.: No worries – thanks for subscribing!
I’m new here, but I hope your news is that you got a book deal. I’ll test recipes for you if you did! In any case, I’m glad to hear of a good thing happening to somebody these days.
I’m hoping you got a book deal, too; I would buy your book about either cooking, or taking snarky to new heights.
Italy – please God let it be Italy.