I apologize in advance that I am about to become such a riddle wrapped in an enigma, shrouded in a veil of mystery. And then, since this is America, wrapped in bacon, deep-fried in tallow, and washed down with a 64-ounce Mountain Dew.

I would recommend either Mountain Dew Live Wire or, if you still have a can in your Dew Cellar, a 2008 Voltage. Also yes, that is sausage wrapped in bacon (courtesy of Flickr member alaczek).

Here’s the thing: time for weeknight posting is likely going to be severely curtailed for the next couple of weeks, except for the Smackdown. I WANT to tell you why, but I can’t. Yet. Just know this: at the end of this period of trial and travail, life will either be Remarkably Better or Stunningly Fantastic. Either outcome is fine with me.

I know well the fertile imaginations of the TNS commentariat. To give you something to mull, here are some of the things I MIGHT try to do over the next two or three weeks:

  • Take the plunge and start a family traveling band. Of course, as this is my family, we would be a heavy, melodic stoner-doom outfit; none of this Edelweiss bullshit. Our name will be “Pyrotechnic Flock Disruption” and our low-end will be so powerful it will loosen your bowels at 50 meters, so wear dark trousers to our shows.
  • Fulfill a lifelong dream of living abroad and getting to spend more time with my family by moving to Italy and opening a school to teach idiomatic English to future exchange students. Intensive sessions will include “Intermediate Sarcasm Deployment” and “Carlin’s Big Seven: Making Them Your Own.”
  • Study my ass off to re-take the New York bar exam – I let my 2004 results expire, because I am a genius – so I can sell my soul to a big firm for long enough to sock away a pile of gold bullion, at which point I will move to a small beach house and spend my days taste-testing every variant of Celestial Seasonings tea and writing crackpot letters to local weekly newspapers.

I’ll even give you a hint, because I like you so much: it’s not actually any of these things, so get to gossiping amongst yourselves like the biddies you are; I look forward to monitoring the speculation in the comments.

A final PSA: if you’ve arrived here via Saveur, allow me to answer your questions:

  1. Yes, I pretty much am that much of a jerk.
  2. Yes, I do actually write about food from time to time.
  3. No, I don’t think I’m all that and a bag of chips, although my response to this question might vary based on the brand and flavor of the chips in question.
  4. No, I don’t think that cursing on my blog makes me a less creative writer.
  5. Yes, I am silently judging you right now. So are all my readers, because that is How We Roll.