Liveblogging Top Chef Masters: Episode 5

Tonight: Michael Chiarello (Bottega Restaurant), Rick Moonen (RM Seafood at Mandalay Bay), Nils Noren (French Culinary Institute) and Lachlan McKinnon Patterson (Frasca Food & Wine).  “Flipping Out’s” Jeff Lewis and Jenni Pulos guest star.

Michael Chiarello makes me want to throw things. At him, preferably, but since he’s never actually around then at the nearest wall. “NapaStyle” sticks in my craw almost as badly as “tablescape.” I don’t really know the other three, although I tend to want to root for anyone named Nils.

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Tight Ass Tuesday: Escape from New York

It’s a lie though; these scapes are from New Jersey, not New York.

I wanted a better pun because you deserve more, but I can’t muster one just now. Nothing will ever beat the one my brother-in-law found on over the weekend: “Two monocles got together in front of a window and had sex. They made quite a spectacle of themselves.” (I’ve highlighted the relevant punny words for anyone who is pun-impaired. And yes, I know; that isn’t a very good pun either.)

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1. We have a theme for August’s Hobo Tuesday. Check it and see.

2. Yes, there are Atkins diet food ads running in my ad space. Not of my doing. I apologize. Advertising does not represent the views of management.

ETA: Commenter metalchick does, however, raise an excellent point.

Hobo Tuesday Roundup: Did I say by noon on Sunday?

I meant by 10pm. Technical difficulties. And by technical difficulties, I mean it was a beautiful day and I got up and went for a run and went out to lunch and spent the afternoon in the pool and then at around 6:00, while lying in the sun drying out, thought “Oh, shit.” So the technical difficulties are with my brain. I’m only human, people.

This month’s theme was picnic fare, and not only did you all produce summery, perfectly picnicky food but several of you really squeezed those ass cheeks to show yourselves to be the tightest of tight asses.

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Thursday Night Smackdown: Pepitas!

I just looked up from the computer to glance at the TV and check out the current stage of the Tour de France, which is actually in Spain today. As if that weren’t strange enough, smack in the middle of the shot I’m confronted by a structure shaped like a 90-foot wang. EXACTLY like a 90-foot wang. Thanks for that extended shot from the helicopter, Tour producers.

I will use the memory of this completely non-genitalia-related meal to erase Spain’s horrifyingly penile architecture from the valuable brain space it’s now occupying, space that’s in high demand for much-needed self-deprecation efforts and mental images of Golden Retriever puppies.

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Liveblogging Top Chef Masters: Episode 4

Our champions so far: Hubert “The Inevitable Winner” Keller, Suzanne “It’s Not a Coma, It’s a Momentary Fugue” Tracht and Rick “I Can Make ANYTHING Into a Taco, Just Dare Me” Bayless.

Tonight: Anita Lo (Annisa, New York City), Douglas Rodriguez (Alma de Cuba, Philly), John Besh (Restaurant August, New Orleans) and Mark Peel (Campanile, Los Angeles).  There will be egg cookery.  There will be Neil Patrick Harris.  It’s a win-win!

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