Special offer for anyone who calls in the next seventeen minutes!

Interested in the exciting and lucrative life of the food blogger? Thinking about spending seventy-five bucks to learn how from the Institute of Culinary Education? I’ll help you out for the low price of $69.99.

1. Think of a title. For example, if you are a baker who loves Hemingway, perhaps you could be The Bun Also Rises. If you love Sinatra and deep-frying things, start up Come Fry With Me. The punnier the better.* The unwashed masses love a pun.

2. Sign up at WordPress.com for a free blog.

3. Pick a blog template. Tarski is nice for starters.

4. Write some shit about food. Write the way you talk. Take a photo or two if you’re so inclined.

5. Hit publish. Sit back and wait to go viral, be discovered by 10 Speed Press and get a six-book deal followed by a show on the Food Network.

6. If this doesn’t happen, give up. Either it wasn’t meant to be, or you’re not very talented. It’s probably the latter. I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you that.

There you go. You can remit payment via PayPal. Good luck!

*Also viable, if you’re someone who loves classic rock and stadium food: “Three (Hot) Dog Night.”

bacon

Of course, I kid, a little. I mean, it’s true that you’re probably not very talented, but with enough tenacity you can overcome that. Lots of famous people have little to no talent, and they’re raking it in. Jump headlong into the food blogging community. Attend a conference if you want; food blogging conferences are practically falling out of my ass, so there’s bound to be one near you.

Eventually – if you’re authentic and are reaching out to others – someone other than your mother will start to follow your blog about how you taught yourself to cook in your first post-college solo apartment, Dr. Rangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Stove. You’re off to the races! Don’t forget to thank me in the preface of your first book.

aromatics

Moving on: there’s been an infographic making its way around Facebook and Twitter touting the dangers of carbs and explaining the effect of refined carbohydrates on insulin production (spoiler: it’s not good). I choose to read between the lines of this graphic, and the subtext is pretty blatant: eat more bacon.

Thus, I bring you tonight’s quick, tasty, bacony six-ingredient dinner: salmon with shallot and lemon over baconified cabbage. It’s crunchy. It’s salty. It’s tart. It’s savory. It takes about fifteen minutes to make, and is low-carb. Heck, it probably fits into the diets of all you Paleo people who are running around in your Vibram shoes blathering about how great you feel and how eating sweet potatoes is like diving into a decadent dessert. (Congratulations. More cake for me!)

cabbage

Here’s the run down:

  • Chop some thick-cut bacon into lardons (fancy-talk for “little rectangles”). Cook ‘em. Set the now-crisp bacon aside.
  • Chop some green cabbage. Cook it in some of the bacon fat. Toss the bacon bits back in.
  • Melt some butter in a pan. Cook up some fish. Set the cooked fish aside.
  • Add a little more butter and a minced shallot to the pan. Cook for a minute. Squeeze in a hefty amount of fresh lemon juice.
  • Put the cabbage on a plate. Put the fish on the cabbage. Put the shallot-lemon-butter sauce on the fish.
  • Eat.

dinner

If you play your cards right, you’ll end up with something that looks pretty much like this. Between the fish and the cabbage, it’s pretty fricking filling. You don’t actually need that much bacon to lend great flavor to the cabbage or much butter to cook the shallot, and the lemon is a needed foil for the fats.

You’ll be done with dinner in plenty of time to watch all the post-Florida primary candidate speeches. (If you’re like me you might want to skip Newt; he gives me nightmares.)

Now go forth and pontificate online about your respective dinners! A chicken in every pot and a food blog on every server.

Salmon with Cabbage and Bacon
serves 2

1/4 thick cut bacon
1/2 head green cabbage, cut into thin ribbons
3 tbsp. unsalted butter
2 6-8 oz. salmon filets
1 large shallot, minced
1 lemon
s+p

Heat a large skillet over medium heat. Chop the bacon and add it to skillet; cook until most of the fat has rendered out and the bacon is crispy, 6-8 minutes. Remove the bacon to a plate lined with paper towels.

Pour off all but 2 teaspoons of the bacon fat. Return the pan to the heat and add the sliced cabbage. Crack some black pepper over it, toss to combine and cook until cabbage is wilted down and tender but still a little crisp, 5-7 minutes. Toss the crispy bacon back in and set aside while you cook the fish.

In a non-stick skillet, heat one tablespoon of the butter over medium-high heat. Season the fish with salt and pepper and add to the pan. Saute for 3-4 minutes per side, flipping once (cook time may vary based on the thickness of your fish.)

Remove the cooked fish from the pan. Add the other two tablespoons of butter and cook until it starts to brown, 3-4 minutes. Add the shallot and cook for 2-3 minutes. Turn off the heat and squeeze in a lemon’s worth of juice.

Split the cabbage between two plates, top each with a filet and spoon over the shallot sauce. Serve immediately.

12 thoughts on “Special offer for anyone who calls in the next seventeen minutes!

  1. Have to say, if I made this, I would probably skip the fish and just fry up some bacon, cabbage, and onion together. But then, I’m not a super nifty food blogger, just one of those crazy pet bloggers!

  2. Hi-LAR-ious. And I’m pretty sure there are many people who think this way, minus the sarcasm.

    That looks like a flipping delicious dinner. I’m seeing the word Paleo around a lot, it doesn’t sound too fun – am definitely in the more-cake-for-me camp.

  3. I didn’t take your advice on number 6 because I think my mother actually does want to read my blog. Granted, she never bothered to comment on it till I blogged aboutthe Pioneer Woman’s show. Go figure. In any case, I fall back on the idea greatness is never truly recognized while the artist is still alive.

    I don’t need no stinkin’ infographic to tell me to eat more bacon.

  4. After two and a half years of between 0 and 7 page views a day, I finally commenced Tweeting and facebooking my posts. I’m now up to 40 or so, average. Obviously, the majority of my 497 friends and 80 Twitter followers don’t give a rat about cooking. But it at least keeps me from feeling like I’m communicating with outer space, sending out radio waves and hoping someone hears….

    Also. The salmon and cabbage sound wonderful.

  5. Motherfucking Paleo fuckity fuck fuck. I hate that diet, and I hate that all of my friends are removing gluten from their diets, and I swear that the next person to tell me about a random dietary restriction is being sent away from my house without food. Assholes. I agree, though, that it does mean more bacon in the diet, and more cake for me, because I’m not a jackass. And, for what it’s worth, I’m a marathon runner and general fitness preacher who still thinks sugar and wheat flour are Teh Awesome.

  6. @crystal, i must urge you to try it with the fish; such a good combo.

    @rachel, on the greatness thing – so true. I’ve been waiting 4 years to become an overnight success. i figure i’ll give it another week or so.

    @kayb, huzzah for 40 views!

    @kristie, it’s a damn shame you live in colorado, because you should totally come over for dinner.

  7. We’re working on a trip to NY in the next 6 months, so who knows– we could totally make it happen. And then I’ll get drunk and profess my love for you and your blog, as is the custom of my people.

  8. That looks delicious and you made me laugh a lot with your blog names. How do you do that? And how do those not actually exist? I bet “Come Fry with Me” is real (or will be soon.) So thank you for that. And like some commenters, I am also sick of paleo. I eat a lot of carbs and I’m doing just great, thanks. In fact, I’m extremely energetic and happy and healthy without eating like a caveman. You know we needed certain nutrients to evolve bigger brains, right? I’m pretty glad we got smart enough to invent internets and such so I can be doing THIS instead of hunting, gathering, and dying at 28.

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