I was debating between the classic Sally Field acceptance speech, the Kayne/Taylor Swift thing or a pic of the Biebs getting some kind of tweenybopper award for Most Comically Oversized High-Top Sneakers of 2011.

But then I saw this photo, in which an ailing Kirk Douglas heroically leaps to the stage to stop Melissa Leo from bludgeoning Angelina Jolie with an Oscar statuette during a live broadcast, and I had to go with it. At least, I assume that’s what’s happening here.

Oh, the humanity.

You have perhaps noticed that I have not produced any foodstuffs this week, and I’ve come to explain myself: you see, on cloud nine, there’s no need to actually eat food. You subsist on a steady diet of champagne and euphoria.

Why the euphoria? Because after eight years of doggedly working at a job that I knew didn’t make me happy but seemed like the most I could hope for, my last day is July 26th. Even better, my last day is July 26th because I’m pursuing  exciting new opportunities and not because I’m finally being fired for thinking that yoga pants and Birkenstocks are appropriate business attire.*

Here’s where you come in. Without your support, comments and encouragement over the past 4+ years, I wouldn’t have had the confidence in my writing and my voice to try and reach for anything bigger than what I had. You helped me see that there’s a power in what I have to say and how I say it, and that I can get people to sit up, listen, connect and engage. There are no words I can string together that would adequately show how deeply, incredibly thankful I am for that. It’s certainly not something I ever expected from this little project, but now I can’t imagine things being any other way. Ever since I was five, all I wanted was to be a writer. Now, thanks to you, I am. I mean, Jesus H. Christ, that’s major.

Now I’m all sincere and teary and verklempt and it’s ALL YOUR FAULT. I love you all, you crazy assholes.

Please know that if provided with adequate time and financial resources, I would take each one of you out to dinner and a movie and let you get to third base afterward. A few special people would be allowed to go all the way; you know who you are.

TNS readers: Great readers, or THE GREATEST readers? I’m pretty sure I know the answer.

*Dear New Employer,

Unfortunately for you, I still kind of think that.

Best,
Your Most Comfortable Employee

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