Remember how I used to cook things for dinner, and then I would come write about it on the internet, and we would chat? Yeah, me neither.
But I went and took a look at the archives, and apparently I used to do that ALL THE TIME. Like, I would go multiple consecutive days with nary a food deliveryperson appearing on my doorstep, and I would frequently consume things called “vegetables,” where “vegetables” means something other than “French fries.”
Oh, the halcyon days before I decided to voluntarily engage in a real estate transaction.
You are perhaps confused, and certainly bereft. I will sum up:
- We decided to sell our condo. Yay!
- We got a nice real estate agent, and an awesome lawyer. What are the chances?!
- We got an offer after nine days on the market. Everything’s coming up Milhouse!
- We signed a contract and leased a sweet-ass new loft. Best summer ever!
- The buyers hired an illiterate attorney. Uh-oh.
- The buyers had their inspection and made a series of outrageous demands showing little to no understanding of how a condominium association works or of what they agreed to in the contract they signed. Yipes!
- I spent a full week teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown because we cannot afford to carry rent AND a mortgage, the buyers are taking their sweet time responding to our offers of compromise and our lawyer thinks they’re going to bail. Sweet mother of Xanax!
- I come to the conclusion that the buyers and their agent and lawyer are not illiterate or stupid, as previously supposed, but are in fact malicious. Hate!
- I grind my teeth down into nubbins. Owie!
- We come to a compromise 36 hours before we are scheduled to move out of the condo. Said “compromise” involves us giving them a concession of several thousand dollars to pay for something THEY ALREADY AGREED TO PAY FOR IN THE FUCKING CONTRACT. FLAMES, FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.
- The day before we move, I learn that our new landlord owes the building management some money, and the super has been instructed to bar us from entering the building until he settles up. Whee!
- That gets worked out. We spend all night packing and all morning moving. During the move, I develop nausea, chills and a 102 degree fever. Two hours after the move, I have a job interview. Life is awesome!
- I sweat and stumble my way through the interview. They invite me back for the next round anyway. I hope it’s not because I promised sexual favors and don’t remember. Fingers crossed!
At NO POINT in the past two weeks have I eaten anything prepared in my own kitchen, unless pouring milk into a bowl of Raisin Bran counts. Thus, you can imagine the exhilaration of having an utterly mundane day: Wake up. Go to work. Go to farmer’s market. Come home to sweet-ass loft. Walk dogs. Make dinner. Watch Olympic swimming trials. Write about my problems on the internet.
Is this heaven?
- Cook up some thick-cut bacon.
- Saute fresh corn kernels and green cabbage in the bacon fat.
- Toss the bacon back in.
- Adjust the seasoning.
- Sear some salmon in butter.
- Nestle the cooked fish on a bed of cabbage.
- Throw another tablespoon or two of butter in the pan and let it brown, then add lemon juice.
- Pour that over the fish.
And now I’m going to sleep for a thousand million years.
I’ve missed you, internet strangers!