Actually, there are two things I want, if you don’t mind my being a little needy. Well, three things, I guess, if you count this candy jar. Oh, wait, FOUR things.

First, a bidding war on my apartment that drives the selling price over what we originally paid so we don’t have to take the giant bath I’m pretty sure we’re going to have to take. Second, an explanation of why this candy jar costs $500. Third, to know whether a “candy jar” is a real thing. I mean, cookie jar, yes. Candy dish, sure. But candy jar? Does not compute. And then fourth, the actual item. Unfortunately, I have a strong feeling that I’m up shit creek on all four of those requests.