Lately, as I sit up watching late-nite TV, I stop paying attention to the show itself and concentrate on the advertising to try and work out what demographics advertisers think are watching.

So far, I’ve learned that advertisers believe quite strongly that women in need of sexual aids are watching Aziz Ansari stand-up specials that air at 2AM. Tonight, I’m trying to figure out Dance Moms, which I had heretofore assumed was watched by hardcore dance fans who have suffered high-frequency hearing loss.

So far, I’ve got “older women who love chocolate and care a lot about their skin texture.” I’ll keep you up to date as I pin things down further.


Personally, I feel that more television should target the “25 to 35 year old woman who wishes she could wear yoga pants to formal occasions and loves breakfast sausage sandwiches” demographic. It’s severely underrepresented in late-nite. There aren’t even infomercials aimed at us. What we do NOT want: P90x. What we DO want: another pint of Chunky Monkey and some intravenous Benadryl. If I’m going to confuse my muscles, it’s going to be by shifting positions on the sofa.

Since the television would not tell me how to obtain a breakfast sausage sandwich, I had to make my own.


I know that some of you are probably looking at the photos and thinking that I’m not completely serious about sausage-making because I’ve purchased pre-ground pork. I know that I should grind my own, and be anal about the lean-to-fat percentage and the fineness of the grind. I also know that I’m NEVER EVER going to do that, and homemade breakfast sausage from pre-ground pork is better than Jimmy Dean.

For me, breakfast sausage should be a little sweet and maple-y, a little savory and a little spicy. I poured a bit of maple syrup into the pork and added sage, thyme, granulated garlic, onion powder, ginger, red pepper flakes and salt.

(FYI, Dance Moms fans are apparently also prone to financial mismanagement.)

(I wonder: what is the TNS demographic? Leave your best guess in the comments.)


I suppose you could let the resulting pork mixture sit to let the flavors meld, but I (1) do not plan ahead to that extent and (2) am not convinced that it makes a difference anyway. I shaped the pork into six patties – I’m all about sausage that does not require me to deal with intestine – and fried them up. I also threw together some buttermilk biscuits and jerry-rigged a system to cook up eggs the same size and shape as my biscuits.*

A more diligent sausage-maker (sausagiere?) would have cooked a mini-patty of the pork mixture to test out the seasoning and adjust the raw mix if needed. If you’ve been reading me for more than seventeen seconds, I assume you know that I didn’t do that.

*If you want to know: Cast iron skillet on the stove. One-cup stainless steel measuring cup in the skillet. Beaten egg in the measuring cup. Voila!

micky d's?

Damn, I love sausage, egg and cheese on a biscuit. The sausage was juicy, nicely caramelized on the outside and hit all the right flavor notes. (If anything, it was a little too spicy for me as a breakfast item. Brian loved it though, so the recipe gives a range for the red pepper flakes.) Possibly I ate two of these sandwiches and felt a little overfull, but I am not ashamed of my decision.

In conclusion, Dance Moms is a terrible show full of awful people, even worse that Cupcake Wars or Chopped.  Long live sausage breakfast sandwiches.

(If you would be so kind: could you throw TNS a vote over at Apartment Therapy’s Homie awards? A quick registration, and then your vote could help propel TNS past “beloved by dozens” to “beloved by a full gross.”)

(Also, for those who care: I’ve quit the painkillers completely because the lack of sleep was melting my brain. Slowly, slowly returning to a normal sleep schedule; powering through the pain.)

Breakfast Sausage
1 lb. ground pork
1/4 c. real maple syrup (I like grade B)
2 tsp. rubbed sage
1/4 – 1 tsp. crushed red pepper, depending on your heat tolerance
1 tsp. dried, crushed thyme
1 tsp, kosher salt
1/2 tsp. granulated garlic
1/2 tsp. onion powder
1/4 tsp. ground ginger

Put everything in a bowl and mix it up good.

Shape into six patties of equal size.

Cook. (You might do this by putting a bit of veg oil in a saute pan over medium heat and cooking the patties for 5-7 minutes per side, being watchful of the heat so the sugars in the syrup don’t burn.)