Smackdown: Chorizo is the New Bacon is the New Black

I really need to keep a notebook next to the bed. As I’m falling asleep, I always come up with these fabulous insights, zingers and insightful zingers to share with you.

I vow to remember them, and now here I am, devoid of all insight. I bet Anthony Bourdain keeps a notebook next to the bed. You know he jots that shit down and adds it to his bon mot rolodex for periodic deployment.

But you know what? When you can make your own chorizo, who needs insights? Fuck insights! There is unlimited chorizo!

Goddess bless you, Homesick Texan, for your cookbook and these recipes for Mexican red chorizo, breakfast chiles rellenos and green salsa, Houston-style.

I put the chorizo together first, so the flavors would have a little time to meld. Ground pork met up with a slurry of reconstituted guajillo and ancho chiles, onion, garlic and cider vinegar along with dried paprika, oregano, cayenne, cinnamon, cumin and salt. I stashed the proto-chorizo in the fridge and turned to the salsa.

The salsa is a true symphony in green. Tomatillos, cilantro, avocado, limes, serranos and a few cloves of (not green) garlic encountered the transformative power of the blender and emerged a creamy sauce, bright in both hue and flavor.

At this point, there’s a whole segment of the proceedings that went unphotographed. So: picture a jolly man with a big beard* roasting poblanos over the stove’s gas burners and then painstakingly scraping off the charred skin without annihilating the flesh (as I typically do). Perhaps the sentence “I can’t circumcise the chile!” was uttered in frustration.

Eventually, all the peppers successfully certified their covenant with Yahweh and we were able to move on.

*Not Santa Claus.

While Brian played the part of chile mohel, I started on the rellenos filling. If I didn’t already love The Homesick Texan, I definitely did once she told me to fry up the chorizo in lard. The smell of this step was so heady and utterly, ridiculously wonderful I had to briefly recline on a chaise lounge to fend off the vapors.

I probably cooked the pork a little longer than was necessary, since it was such a saturated color that it was hard to tell when it was properly browned. In the time I spent waiting, the dogs taught themselves to read and write and composed an elegantly written, plaintive letter detailing all the reasons they should get some chorizo.

I’ve given the dogs veal. Filet mignon. Prime New York strip steak with a drizzle of red wine reduction. But you LAY OFF MY DAMN CHORIZO, stinkhounds.

Eventually, diced onion and garlic went into the chorizo, soon to be followed by eggs (hence “breakfast rellenos”) beaten with cumin and cayenne, fresh jalapeño and cilantro. I cooked the whole mess up until the eggs were just set.

Stuffing time.

I thought for sure that the poblanos would end up mangled beyond repair during the de-seeding process. Somehow, between the two of us, we managed to slit them open and remove all the seeds without occasioning their destruction. Thank goodness that between the two of us, we have advanced degrees in mechanical engineering and theology. He can figure out the most effective way to pry open the pepper and extract the seeds, and I can pray for him.

Some shredded white cheddar topped the stuffed peppers and I tossed them under the broiler for a few minutes.

Oh, while all this was going on, I also cooked up a pot of yellow rice. It was Goya yellow rice and I don’t feel at all guilty about that, so shut the hell up.

What, were you not judging me? Sorry. It’s the internet, I assume people are judging me.

I laid a piping hot chile on a bed of rice, spooned the green salsa over and added a sprinkle of cilantro. AND SWEET BABY JESUS LAYING IN THE MANGER, kids. Homemade chorizo has rocked my world to its very core. It was so good, I literally burst a blood vessel.

Okay, overstatement coupled with incorrect use of “literally.” Second try: Homesick Texan’s homemade chorizo is fricking excellent. So richly flavored and perfectly seasoned, with the exact right level of heat. I’m thanking my lucky stars I made more than necessary for this recipe, as I’m fairly certain that any recipe can be adapted to include chorizo.

The overall dish also earns high marks. The egg and cheese added a nice texture and smoothed the flavor out, while the fresh salsa lightened everything up.

Would it be wrong if I did a whole month of Smackdowns out of this one book? Because frankly, I want to eat pretty much everything in it.

Happy day!