Okay, tonight is the night I finally do it, I swear to freaking god.

Except that I don’t know what I’m going to do when we get to the part with all the bugs, because I have a serious phobia and will have nightmares for weeks.

At least a lot of the chefs seem as grossed out as I do, so I don’t feel so alone. And hey, I don’t have to eat them.

Last Week:  Someone won, someone else got the boot, both people got donations made to their charities anyway. I just caught the Critics’ Table and was stunned at how inarticulate unBalaban is. “Undelicious”? Really?

10:01: I like how they give us the recap with everyone’s names in big letters, because they know we don’t know who most of these people are.

10:02: Quickfire: cook with roots, leaves, grass…and bugs.

I’m not looking at the screen, and Curtis’ cute nutritional facts about the vermin do not endear me to them. Also: scorpions? The hell?

10:04: Seriously, I can’t look. And I’ll pass on the Asian horned worm soup, thanks very much. Though lots of people seem to be going the spicy Asian route to disguise the bugs.

So far, tempura-battered cricket is the best thing I’ve heard, and I’m using “best” it its most relative sense.

10:06: The judges are people from show called “Man, Woman, Wild.”

10:07: “It’s the best worm I’ve ever eaten.” High praise!

10:09: John C.’s grilled scorpion wins for me because he added a poached egg. Top anything with a poached egg, and I’m on board.

Okay, maybe I’m not TOTALLY on board.

10:10: Brian: “You know, I don’t think I would eat any of those…okay, maybe the omelet.”

10:13: Commercials. I love hyperlocal car dealer commercials.

10:15: Curtis: “You produced some lovely dishes…that I wouldn’t taste.”

The top: Unibrow and Mary Sue. At least, I think that’s her name. Winner: Unibrow’s tempura crickets. Told you that sounded the best!

10:17: ELIMINATION: Cook for a fundraising dinner. Create a 10 course tasting, everyone responsible for one dish. Also, expect a TWEEST. Super.

Is it just me, or does Traci des Jardins look kinda like a bulldog?

10:19: Naomi takes charge immediately. Is she planning on cooking something herself, or just yelling?

Apparently, just yelling.

10:20: Listienng to Celina Tio say “puddin'” is cute.

10:21: A TWEEST! There’s no water. Holy cross contamination, Batman!

10:22: Another TWEEST! You have less time than you thought. Suck on that!

10:24: There are too many chefs in the kitchen. Literally. No one cares about your vision, Unibrow.

Another TWEEST! There will be no servers to get your food out.

Next, they’ll make them complete their dishes blindfolded, with no hands, in a 110 degree room as spikes slowly descend from the ceiling.

10:26: Commercials. Wow, the Green Lantern movie could not look any worse, and that’s only partly because of Ryan Reynolds.

10:28: Naomi’s response to all the Tweests: MORE YELLING.

10:29: Now Unibrow is in on the yelling, and there’s some kind of odd number-even number thing going on and I’m SURE no one is confused.

10:30: Naomi, nervously, “How do you think everything’s going out there?” It’s been all of 45 seconds, lady. Settle.

10:31: You know what this season is missing for me? The lovely camraderie that the other seasons of Masters had. I’m not getting that from this group.

10:33: I don’t know how Tom Colicchio would feel about John’s risotto, it doesn’t seem to be spreading on the plate. Disrespect for the arborio.

10:35: Floyd’s fish and ginger broth sounds heavenly, although apparently it’s deemed too assertive. Whatever, I’d eat it.

10:36: Hear that, Unibrow and Naomi? CAMRADERIE.

10:38: Commercials. Gum advertisments are getting a little overly dramatic, no? I mean, it’s GUM.

10:39: Pointless interlude. The chefs recount their own personal Tweests. Could it be…an interesting pointless interlude?

10:41: More commercials. How can the Xoom be everything a tablet should be? The iPad is MAGIC. Is the Xoom MAGIC?

10:43: “Me screaming at you doesn’t mean I have anything against you, it just means I think you’re an uppity bitch.”

10:45: Color me unimpressed by Unibrow’s panna cotta. Strawberries and black pepper? Been there, done that.

10:46: When unBalaban says “puddin,'” it’s also cute.

10:48: CRITICS’ TABLE. Naomi and Suvir are the top two.

Does the Grub Street guy creep anyone else out? He looks like some kind of creepily precocious man-boy. Or Billy Corgan.

10:49: Winner: Naomi! Never say that yellers never win.

10:50: The bottom: Mary Sue, Celina and John. I told you his risotto didn’t spread.

10:52: unBalaban’s criticism of Celina: “Get out of dessertville!” I’m telling you, he needs Gael by his side to be credible.

10:54: Commercials. Real Housewives of New York. Do people really wear giant fur hats like that in public, or is she on her way to some kind of Doctor Zhivago-themed gala?

10:56: Mary Sue, you were good but not great. Celina, you made grit. John, your risotto was par.

10:57: John gets the boot. Really? Decent if uninspired risotto over gritty boring puddin’? Huh.

10:58: John’s parting hyperbole is impressive.

Next time: A Biggest Loser challenge, or Curtis Stone Synergy.