Last Week: The week of Tweests. The cheftestants cooked “last meals” for some famous chefs; Antonia got Morimoto, so you kinda knew she was screwed. Predictably, she got the knife, and now we’re stuck with a Mike Isabella-Blais finale.
After reading comment #1 on the thread below, I’m even pissier.
10:01: Blais would rather have gone up against Antonia, because he thinks girls can’t cook.
10:02: FINALE CHALLENGE: Create the restaurant of your dreams. So, restaurant wars redux.
Brian: “I want a recording of Eric Ripert saying ‘You are a weener’ to listen to every morning.”
10:03: Each restaurant must create a four-course tasting menu.
10:04: Blais: “I’m the underdog.” Isabella: “No, I’m the underdog.” Sigh.
10:05: Eliminated chefs must create an amuse bouche to determine who will act as the finalists’ sous, while Richard and Mike talk about who they don’t want. It’s Jamie. Because, you know, NOT Top Scallop.
10:06: Blind tasting of the amuses determine who gets who. If Jesus loves me, Mike will get Marcel.
Come on, Jesus.
10:07: Blais ends up with Spike, Angelo and Antonia. Isabella gets Tiffani, Jamie (yes!) and Carla.
Mike refers to his team as “my angels.” RETCH.
10:09: Mike’s restaurant is called Izz, because he has no creativity; Richard’s is Tongue in Cheek.
10:11: YOU DON’T HAVE TO YELL, PADMA. YOU HAVE A MICROPHONE.
10:13: Commercials. I don’t believe that the “Little Fockers” gag reel is actually “hilarious,” not for a minute.
10:16: Everyone is better and more mature than they were on their seasons, so they say. Show it, don’t say it.
10:17: Richard’s kitchen is awash with nitrogen mist. Shocker. Antonia is on the beets, Spike’s on the Captain Crunch.
10:18: Until he’s not, because Blais is switching to foie gras ice cream.
10:20: Tom reminds us for the second time that “Chef” means “Boss.” I think it also means “person who can cook.”
10:21: I don’t know if you knew, but Blais choked in his season. Just in case you were unawares.
10:24: Commercials. Do I want to see “Win Win”? Because, you know, Paul Giamatti. Ick.
I think Gail is already drunk. 30 seconds, really?
10:26: Judges: Lidia, Hubert (squee!) Alfred Portale and Bill Turlato.
Richard’s first course is hamachi and sweetbreads. He sends Spike out to be his spy, because you never see him coming wearing that hat.
10:28: Mike’s judges are Art Smith and Curtis Stone. What’s with the judge differential?
Mike’s first course is…beets.
10:29: I know I should be happy that Art Smith has lost weight, but I kinda miss huggable Art Smith.
Mike’s second course: steamed halibut with kumquat.
10:30: Blais’s second course is black cod and pork belly; his third is a beef short rib.
10:31: Mike’s third is a pork shoulder with pepperoni sauce, which everyone loves although it sounds vile. He’s sucking up to Tom.
10:32: Mike’s fourth course is…really just flan. Art Smith: “I don’t like the way it feels in my mouth.” That’s what she said!
Richard does the foie gras ice cream. It’s “controversial.”
10:34: Judge switcheroo.
10:37: Commercials. Where is Bourdain in this finale? Wasn’t he supposed to be an official judge this season?
10:39: Pointless interlude of sous talking about how much they respect their chefs. Expect for Spike, who apparently had nothing nice enough to say.
Live Padma is a PROBLEM.
10:43: Richard wants to exercise his demons. I suggest Zumba.
10:44: Winning Top Chef would be the best thing that ever happened to Richard. So, you know, sorry about that, Richard’s kids.
10:46: JUDGES’ TABLE. Mike: “The hardest part of this season was every part of it.”
THERE WERE NO GIRLS IN THE KITCHEN. THERE WERE WOMEN IN THE KITCHEN.
10:49: Why should you be Top Chef? Blather blather showing who I am blather greatest moment of my career blather blather.
THERE’S NO CRYING IN TOP CHEF.
10:50: Mike gets his wife and parents, Richard gets…Uncle Scott.
10:52: The first course goes to Richard. And the second. The third goes to Mike. And dessert’s a bit of a toss up.
10:55: Commercials. Is there a way that we, as a nation, can force Robert DeNiro to retire from appearing in films?
10:59: Richard, you were strong all season; Mike, you came on strong at the end.
Top Chef = RICHARD.
THANK GOD. Legions of fans won’t have to give up on Top Chef now!
Thanks, everyone, for spending this season with me!