Tonight: Mike Isabella wins, and we all cry. Right? And someone has to cook Morimoto’s last meal; I hope he picks fish noodles.

Last Week: Many opportunities for conch jokes were bypassed. The chefs cooked on the beach for the Nassau Branch Davidians/Yacht Club, and the wretched Isabella won the day. Tiffany served cold soup, and had to pack her knives.

10:01: Let’s go, Black Hammer! Boys club, schmoys club.

10:02: QUICKFIRE: Assign a classic Quickfire challenge to your competitors. Mike gives Antonia the canned foods. Antonia gives Richard hot dogs. Richard gives Mike the one-pot challenge.


10:04: You can use the pressure cooker as your one pot? I thought it was just a pot pot. Not sure how I feel about this, but my feelings about Mike might be clouding my judgment.

Then again, he’s making beenie weenies, so he can dig his own grave.

10:05: A TWEEST! Dumb.

10:06: Richard takes utensils away from Mike. Antonia makes Richard cook with one hand. Antonia has to go double-apron with Carla, and not in a dirty way.

10:09: Whoa, Richard’s plate looks vile. Brian: “He’s got some balls serving that to Wolfgang Puck.”

10:11: Commercials. If you don’t have an iPhone, you should probably just eat worms and die.

10:14: Antonia, your soup was good if too concentrated. Mike, your pork was slightly undercooked. Richard, you made a ketchup sandwich, and he says “sandwich” like it’s a total insult.


10:16: Every time Mike wins a challenge, the rage grows.

10:17: ELIMINATION: Prepare and serve the last suppers for Puck, Morimoto and Michelle Bernstein.

Mike picks Michelle, and assigns Morimoto to Antonia and Puck to Richard. There’s a TWEEST envelope that will fuck things up later.

10:18: Puck wants goulash with spaetzle and apple streudel. Bernstein wants fried chicken and biscuits and gravy. (Yes!) Morimoto wants miso soup and sashimi.

10:21: “Who dresses Mike D? Chess King?” (via @JeffHouck)

Mike, be honest about why you gave Antonia Morimoto: you’re trying to shaft her. You thought Bernstein would be easy. Just admit it.

10:23: What would your last meal be? I think mine would be my Zia Liliana’s lasagna.

10:25: Commercials. If you don’t have an iPhone, we could never be friends, because you obviously suck.

10:28: Colicchio looks strangely smiley. I don’t trust it.

10:29: Antonia has some near-rancid fish. Between that and her crying talking-head, I worry. I worry a lot.

10:30: Richard Blais, Top Chef choker. He’s like the Dave Mustaine to Top Chef’s Metallica.

10:31: I can’t even try to keep track of the seventeen different things in Antonia’s bento box.

10:33: A mustard and Swanson Stock gravy, that is. Also, pea puree!

10:35: He put ras el hanout in the fucking STREUDEL. The man has no scruples. And I was about to give him props for making streudel dough with no recipe.

10:37: Richard is getting rave reviews. No so much? Antonia. Sigh.

10:38: JUDGES’ TABLE. Mike, your chicken would have been perfect, except for the juiciness. And the breading. Richard, your dish was spot on. Antonia, your dish was “interesting.”

10:39: Richard is through to the finale.

Antonia and Mike, time for the secret envelope Tweest. I mean, we’ve got 20 minutes left to kill here, right?

10:42: Commercials. Apparently, we’re going to be subjected to Andy Cohen during next week’s finale. Super!

10:43: Pointless interlude. What could be in the Tweest envelope? We’ll tell you…after more commercials.

10:45: More commercials. Fair Game: the best spy movie that no one ever saw.

10:46: THE TWEEST: You have 45 minutes to make one perfect bite.

So the point of the actual challenge was what, exactly?

10:48: Mike wants to be original, so he’s going for beef tenderloin and lobster tail, which is TOTALLY original. Personally, I would make lobster stuffed with tacos.

10:49: “What would an “aggressive” dish be? Would it be like a bear wrapped around a shark? ” (via @roadtohell)

10:50: Antoinia’s dish looks lovely. Mike’s got a lot going on. Neither one of them is one bite.

10:51: Mike is getting tepid reviews, probably because the editors are trying to fuck with me.

10:52: Colicchio looks upset with Wolfgang says he liked Antonia’s. Bias, much?

10:55: Still more commercials, which is the real point of the Tweest. If you don’t have an iPhone, you probably shouldn’t bother leaving the house.

10:57: Antonia, your dish was aggressive but good. Mike, your tartare was bland but your sauces were punchy.


10:58: Antonia, pack ’em up. GODDAMMIT.

Next Week: Create the restaurant of your dreams. Blais is nervous. I am too, about a Mike Isabella victory.

Thanks for spending this hour with me, everyone!