Tonight: Mike Isabella wins, and we all cry. Right? And someone has to cook Morimoto’s last meal; I hope he picks fish noodles.
Last Week: Many opportunities for conch jokes were bypassed. The chefs cooked on the beach for the Nassau Branch Davidians/Yacht Club, and the wretched Isabella won the day. Tiffany served cold soup, and had to pack her knives.
10:01: Let’s go, Black Hammer! Boys club, schmoys club.
10:02: QUICKFIRE: Assign a classic Quickfire challenge to your competitors. Mike gives Antonia the canned foods. Antonia gives Richard hot dogs. Richard gives Mike the one-pot challenge.
Also: ENOUGH WITH THE “COUSINS.”
10:04: You can use the pressure cooker as your one pot? I thought it was just a pot pot. Not sure how I feel about this, but my feelings about Mike might be clouding my judgment.
Then again, he’s making beenie weenies, so he can dig his own grave.
10:05: A TWEEST! Dumb.
10:06: Richard takes utensils away from Mike. Antonia makes Richard cook with one hand. Antonia has to go double-apron with Carla, and not in a dirty way.
10:09: Whoa, Richard’s plate looks vile. Brian: “He’s got some balls serving that to Wolfgang Puck.”
10:11: Commercials. If you don’t have an iPhone, you should probably just eat worms and die.
10:14: Antonia, your soup was good if too concentrated. Mike, your pork was slightly undercooked. Richard, you made a ketchup sandwich, and he says “sandwich” like it’s a total insult.
10:15: WINNER: Mike. GOODAMMIT.
10:16: Every time Mike wins a challenge, the rage grows.
10:17: ELIMINATION: Prepare and serve the last suppers for Puck, Morimoto and Michelle Bernstein.
Mike picks Michelle, and assigns Morimoto to Antonia and Puck to Richard. There’s a TWEEST envelope that will fuck things up later.
10:18: Puck wants goulash with spaetzle and apple streudel. Bernstein wants fried chicken and biscuits and gravy. (Yes!) Morimoto wants miso soup and sashimi.
10:21: “Who dresses Mike D? Chess King?” (via @JeffHouck)
Mike, be honest about why you gave Antonia Morimoto: you’re trying to shaft her. You thought Bernstein would be easy. Just admit it.
10:23: What would your last meal be? I think mine would be my Zia Liliana’s lasagna.
10:25: Commercials. If you don’t have an iPhone, we could never be friends, because you obviously suck.
10:28: Colicchio looks strangely smiley. I don’t trust it.
10:29: Antonia has some near-rancid fish. Between that and her crying talking-head, I worry. I worry a lot.
10:30: Richard Blais, Top Chef choker. He’s like the Dave Mustaine to Top Chef’s Metallica.
10:31: I can’t even try to keep track of the seventeen different things in Antonia’s bento box.
10:33: A mustard and Swanson Stock gravy, that is. Also, pea puree!
10:35: He put ras el hanout in the fucking STREUDEL. The man has no scruples. And I was about to give him props for making streudel dough with no recipe.
10:37: Richard is getting rave reviews. No so much? Antonia. Sigh.
10:38: JUDGES’ TABLE. Mike, your chicken would have been perfect, except for the juiciness. And the breading. Richard, your dish was spot on. Antonia, your dish was “interesting.”
10:39: Richard is through to the finale.
Antonia and Mike, time for the secret envelope Tweest. I mean, we’ve got 20 minutes left to kill here, right?
10:42: Commercials. Apparently, we’re going to be subjected to Andy Cohen during next week’s finale. Super!
10:43: Pointless interlude. What could be in the Tweest envelope? We’ll tell you…after more commercials.
10:45: More commercials. Fair Game: the best spy movie that no one ever saw.
10:46: THE TWEEST: You have 45 minutes to make one perfect bite.
So the point of the actual challenge was what, exactly?
10:48: Mike wants to be original, so he’s going for beef tenderloin and lobster tail, which is TOTALLY original. Personally, I would make lobster stuffed with tacos.
10:49: “What would an “aggressive” dish be? Would it be like a bear wrapped around a shark? ” (via @roadtohell)
10:50: Antoinia’s dish looks lovely. Mike’s got a lot going on. Neither one of them is one bite.
10:51: Mike is getting tepid reviews, probably because the editors are trying to fuck with me.
10:52: Colicchio looks upset with Wolfgang says he liked Antonia’s. Bias, much?
10:55: Still more commercials, which is the real point of the Tweest. If you don’t have an iPhone, you probably shouldn’t bother leaving the house.
10:57: Antonia, your dish was aggressive but good. Mike, your tartare was bland but your sauces were punchy.
ENOUGH WITH THE COUSINS.
10:58: Antonia, pack ’em up. GODDAMMIT.
Next Week: Create the restaurant of your dreams. Blais is nervous. I am too, about a Mike Isabella victory.
Thanks for spending this hour with me, everyone!
Thursday Night Smackdown 
Isabella could take it. Horrifying.
When did Wolfgang Puck become my gay uncle Gary?
Anyone else find it so annoying when Mike and Antonia call each other cousin?
Richard is twitching already.
A TWEEST!
Sara: YES!
HOOTIE HOO!
Who will fellate the immersion blender? Please let it be Mike.
Smart move, Antonia.
Wait, I think the actual finale is next week, no?
Ugh, Mike’s horrible cackle.
@Jesse right. There’s this, the actual finale, then the reunion. Or possibly reunion then actual finale, I’m not sure.
I love Carla!
How is “One pot” a challenge? Half of what I make is one pot. How do you not know how to do this? Seriously.
Ha! Take that, Richard! Nice “sandwich.”
Frick.
Blais has seemed defeated the past few days. I think he’s going to pull a Jennifer. Starts the season strong and falls apart at the end.
What the what??? How does “okay” balance win? I call a sham!
What the hell is with Richard’s hair? ALIENS?!
Every week Richard looks more and more like the squirrel from Ice Age.
Aw, it’s nice that Morimoto’s dad is judging the show today.
SHUDDUP MIKEY.
Morimoto looks disappointed. Or doesn’t know what Mike just said.
Okay. Morimoto was an adorable child.
Antonia looks scared.
“Mikey gave it to me twice today.”
[squirms and giggles]
I am so disapointed that Mike’s challenge is so easy.
SHADDUP MIKEY.
Mike’s a liar. And not cooking what Michelle wants. Apparently neither is Blais. Good call kids.
Is Mike auditioning for Biggest Loser ’12?
Also, Vijay’s squirrel comment = brilliant.
ANTONIA CRYING IN THE TALKING HEAD FILLS ME WITH CONCERN.
Yeah, why would you not cook what they asked for? Isn’t the challenge supposed to be about cooking what they want?
also I wonder why Carla was used for the quickfire instead of Tiffany?
You tell ’em, Tom.
All joking aside, I think the empanadas might be a brilliant choice.
Richard: Yes, we know, you won more challenges. But you lost. That’s all.
Wolfgang: Enough chit-chat; let’s drink!
Antonia’s already crying? Ruh-roh.
I’d completely eat Antonia’s bento box.
Antonia is so done. Lo, I am bummed.
Pea puree? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I can’t believe Mikes scoffing at Michelle Bernstein’s last meal.
It’s fried chicken. Don’t eat it with a fork.
Mike’s gamble is paying off. Grr.
Frozen sour cream? That looks…well…I’ll just say not good.
Richard’s back, baby!
(the sad sack version was kind of getting to me)
At least Wolfgang Puck made the trains run on time.
sooooo worried for Antonia…does not look good…
Mike doesn’t look like he’s really that worried. Tool.
Richard looks like he’s dissociating. If he starts speaking in a little girl’s voice, back out of the room. Slowly.
wait what…there’s still 20 minutes left.
If Richard wins, perhaps he can afford to buy himself a comb.
Tweest: Dessert?
Indian wrestle for the last space!
I was waiting for the envelope… wait. do they need to cook again? That’s my guess.
Padma looks like she is trying really hard not to smirk.
By “Indian,” I mean dot. Not feather. Of course.
Ooh, good thinking, Mike.
There’s still time for another 23 commercials.
One bite. Antonia can redeem herself. Nice.
wow. Go Antonia!
Push through the wall, Antonia! Break through!
Someone needs to make a soup dumpling. Just saying.
Or a samosa. No?
What about the Caribbean says anything about Turf? Cow? I think not. At all.
More than a mouthful.
Vijay – I think soup dumplings, though amazing, take over a day. The broth has to gel.
Tom looks quite pissed that Bernstein is daring to give Mike a negative critique.
Tarah. You’re right. I’m just really hungry for soup dumplings right now.
It better be Antonia.
Tom “but it was one bite! doesn’t matter what it tasted like, it was one bite! haha!” (evil laugh)
Is Mike slipping Tom some salami on the side? Why else the bias?
“Antonia” is trending on twitter!
Not everyone loves their cousins. Just sayin’.
Come on.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Nooooooo
Eff that.
RICHARD YOU HAD BETTER BEAT HIS ARSE!!!!
So it’s River vs. Joaquin in the finale. Great.
… yeah I think I’m done with this season.
Bah. And now I have to see Jamie again? C’mon.
I say depressed beats crazy in the kitchen. I hope.
Wait, Mike missed his honeymoon? Like, for real, he has a wife?
Okay. I’m sorry. Somebody actually married that ass?
Women makes mistakes every day.
Anyway.
two days later… just saw TC. Following this mornings rerun was a new Bravo show “Marcel’s Quantam Kitchen” all I can say is WTF.
Back to TC… sorry to see Antonia go as I’m tiring of Blais’ self loathing and Mike’s self worship. That said I’ll take self loathing for the win. Can’t believe no one mentioned Padama’s electric dress, trying to figure out where she hid the batteries.
Thanks for the witty commentary…looking forward to the finale.
I am seriously the first to catch the Simpsons refrence?
Bring us your finest food stuffed with the second finest!
Very good choice sir. Lobster stuffed with tacos.
The mention of it made me smile. Thanks for that.