We lost Hootie Hoo, so I don’t know that I have a horse in this race anymore; Antonia, I guess. Or: Anyone But Mike.
Last Week: I’m kinda glad I missed it, because a Mike victory and Carla knifing is almost more than I can take. He beat Voltaggio how, exactly? Sigh.
10:02: Lorena Garcia is everywhere lately, isn’t she? And not in a good way.
10:03: QUICKFIRE: Split into pairs. Create 100 identical dishes in one hour. Winners get 5 grand.
10:04: Teams end up as guys vs. gals.
I highly approve that the judges’ plates will be chosen randomly, so the chefs can’t plan for it.
10:05: Is it really that hard to do fresh pasta in a hour? You throw the dough together, it rests for 30 minutes, you shape it, the end. Get it together, Isabella.
10:06: Why will no one pronounce “bolognese” correctly? The “g” has an impact, people.
Mike: “I made the macaroni myself. I’m a big boy!”
10:08: Obviously, I’m rooting for Antonia and Tiffany, but this dish? Sounds boring. Like, I could get it at a Chile’s.
10:09: Winners: Antonia and Tiffany! Suck it, Isabella!
10:12: Commercials. Apparently, Purex now contains something called “zout,” which I assume is a compound found in outer space.
10:13: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Create a lunch to celebrate the Yacht Club’s birthday. Incorporate conch. And do it on a desert island.
10:14: Apparently, the dirt on Richard’s chin is supposed to be a “beard.” Good to know.
10:15: Tiffany: A small-town girl. DRINK!
10:17: Really, Blais? You felt like you were storming the beach at Normandy? Hyperbole is totally my momst favorite thing ever.
10:18: Brian, on Mike: “He’s remarkably hairless for an Italian guy from New Jersey.”
10:19: I’m certainly glad we’re watching these chefs flail about in the water rather than spending time watching them cook to the best of their abilities.
10:21: I’m also thrilled about this extended conch-hammering montage.
10:23: Commercials. I don’t know how I feel about having no break between seasons of Top Chef. I mean, I like the show, but give me a chance to miss you.
10:26: Conch doesn’t really look like something I want to eat, if I’m being honest. Sorry, Bahamas.
10:27: Why would you take sweet local pineapple and suck the sweetness out of it? Let’s take this wonderful fresh ingredient, and cook it until it’s no longer good.
10:28: Richard feels added pressure because he lost his season…unlike his competitors, who were winners? Nice try.
10:30: The Yacht Club members are all wearing flowing white linen and look like nothing so much as cult members. Which I guess, in a sense, they are.
10:31: No Tiffany love? Harsh.
“The Commodores are forever. Lionel Richie is proof of that.” (@JeffHouck)
10:32: Half the diners don’t even realize that Blais’s noodles are just sweet potato. Did they get pre-soused?
10:35: Oh, Tiffany. I hope Mike sucks worse than you, because you’ve got problems.
10:36: Isn’t grouper already kinda buttery? Ha ha! But then Gail is “obsessed” with the savory pineapple. Damn.
10:37: And now that I think about it, since when are pineapples local to the Bahamas?
10:40: Commercials. Hold on, Brian is googling to see whether pineapples grow in the Bahamas. Apparently, they do. I take it back.
10:41: Pointless interlude. Obligatory conversation about Gilligan’s Island. Brian: “I think Mike would be Mr. Howell, because he’s a dick.”
10:45: Commercials. Who else can’t wait for Marcel’s Quantum Kitchen? Oh, right, everyone.
10:47: JUDGES’ TABLE. The cult-like aura continues. Is it KoolAid time?
Antoina: “I’m conventional? Good, that’s the way I want to cook.”
10:49: Tiffany: “It was hot when it came off the fire.” Gail: “So why was it cold?” Thermodynamics, Gail.
10:50: Richard calls the diners liars. Nice.
10:52: When I think of all the conch jokes I could have made that I didn’t, it makes me want to cry. Maybe I’m growing up. Shudder.
10:53: Commercials. I don’t have an iPhone, so no, I don’t have iBooks. And yet, life goes on.
10:56: Winner: Mike. GODDAMMIT. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?
10:57: Richard, some of your lobster was undercooked. (Yes, it was.) Tiffany, your soup was too cold and too sweet. Antonia, there was inconsistency in your execution.
10:58: Tiffany, pack ’em up.
No offense, but it’s about damn time. She’s been coasting. Back to Beaumont with you.
Next Week: Michelle Bernstein. Morimoto. Puck.
Thursday Night Smackdown 
Still so sad about Carla. But glad to have you back tonight, Michelle!
Richard: What is growing on your face? And on your head?
Mike: You’re only the favorites because the judges love Richard. It has nothing to do with you.
Yay! Girls!
Bitter Richard face.
Bah! My cable is hiccuping. DELAY!
“Cool, calm, and collective?” Um, that’s not the saying.
Mike in a bathing suit. MY EYES!!
No liquid nitrogen? Say it ain’t so.
Wait, why is Mike commenting on Antonia’s dish if he’s not paying attention to what everyone else is doing?
Are those angels getting off that boat?
Michelle: I said the same thing when Richard said that. My sister said that he meant because he was in the finals. I say, whatever, tool. Go hate your food somewhere else.
Does Padma eat off her knife instead of her fork?
What the hell is Mike talking about?
That Commodore looks nothing like Lionel Richie, by the way.
I must follow @JeffHouck. Please see above comment.
Carla was Gilligan! A three-hour hootie hoo!
Marcel: I will never watch your show.
Love the sarcasm, Antonia! Really. I’m serious!
Richard’s smile looked painful.
Mike won? And Tom announced it? What is going on here?
Two weeks in a row!??! Eff this noise!
(hi guys)
Tom couldn’t announce the loser, huh? I knew it would be Tiffany. I actually wanted her to stick around. Stupid cold air.
BLACK HAMMER FOR THE WIN.
Janie: GOOD CALL.
Their last supper? Oh no, they’re ALL DYING?!
What is going on there next week?
Cooking for Morimoto would be, like, my absolute worst nightmare.
Commercial. Didja know Swanson sponsors this show?
Mike says celebrating is hard when you’re alone. Mike, I can assure you celebrating will always be hard for you.
Nooooo! Isabella is so mediocre, yet so cocky and mean-spirited, I can’t bear it. I’ve actually stopped watching the show–I read TNS instead. If he loses I’ll watch, otherwise, I’m so over him the closest I can get is ya’ll’s recap. He’s the perfect storm of physical and personality repulsiveness. It’s like Jabba the Hutt opened a TGIFridays.
Seriously, how funny is it that even BRAVO will not touch this new show of Marcel’s; but rather that the ever-flailing Syfy will? Yeah — Marcel with Dinocroc and Supergator. They can be his Judges’ Table.
FWIW, “zout” is Dutch for “salt.” Pretty weird, the Dutchies, but no aliens.