Last Week: I’m kinda glad I missed it, because a Mike victory and Carla knifing is almost more than I can take. He beat Voltaggio how, exactly? Sigh.
10:02: Lorena Garcia is everywhere lately, isn’t she? And not in a good way.
10:03: QUICKFIRE: Split into pairs. Create 100 identical dishes in one hour. Winners get 5 grand.
10:04: Teams end up as guys vs. gals.
I highly approve that the judges’ plates will be chosen randomly, so the chefs can’t plan for it.
10:05: Is it really that hard to do fresh pasta in a hour? You throw the dough together, it rests for 30 minutes, you shape it, the end. Get it together, Isabella.
10:06: Why will no one pronounce “bolognese” correctly? The “g” has an impact, people.
Mike: “I made the macaroni myself. I’m a big boy!”
10:08: Obviously, I’m rooting for Antonia and Tiffany, but this dish? Sounds boring. Like, I could get it at a Chile’s.
10:09: Winners: Antonia and Tiffany! Suck it, Isabella!
10:12: Commercials. Apparently, Purex now contains something called “zout,” which I assume is a compound found in outer space.
10:13: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Create a lunch to celebrate the Yacht Club’s birthday. Incorporate conch. And do it on a desert island.
10:14: Apparently, the dirt on Richard’s chin is supposed to be a “beard.” Good to know.
10:15: Tiffany: A small-town girl. DRINK!
10:17: Really, Blais? You felt like you were storming the beach at Normandy? Hyperbole is totally my momst favorite thing ever.
10:18: Brian, on Mike: “He’s remarkably hairless for an Italian guy from New Jersey.”
10:19: I’m certainly glad we’re watching these chefs flail about in the water rather than spending time watching them cook to the best of their abilities.
10:21: I’m also thrilled about this extended conch-hammering montage.
10:23: Commercials. I don’t know how I feel about having no break between seasons of Top Chef. I mean, I like the show, but give me a chance to miss you.
10:26: Conch doesn’t really look like something I want to eat, if I’m being honest. Sorry, Bahamas.
10:27: Why would you take sweet local pineapple and suck the sweetness out of it? Let’s take this wonderful fresh ingredient, and cook it until it’s no longer good.
10:28: Richard feels added pressure because he lost his season…unlike his competitors, who were winners? Nice try.
10:30: The Yacht Club members are all wearing flowing white linen and look like nothing so much as cult members. Which I guess, in a sense, they are.
10:31: No Tiffany love? Harsh.
“The Commodores are forever. Lionel Richie is proof of that.” (@JeffHouck)
10:32: Half the diners don’t even realize that Blais’s noodles are just sweet potato. Did they get pre-soused?
10:35: Oh, Tiffany. I hope Mike sucks worse than you, because you’ve got problems.
10:36: Isn’t grouper already kinda buttery? Ha ha! But then Gail is “obsessed” with the savory pineapple. Damn.
10:37: And now that I think about it, since when are pineapples local to the Bahamas?
10:40: Commercials. Hold on, Brian is googling to see whether pineapples grow in the Bahamas. Apparently, they do. I take it back.
10:41: Pointless interlude. Obligatory conversation about Gilligan’s Island. Brian: “I think Mike would be Mr. Howell, because he’s a dick.”
10:45: Commercials. Who else can’t wait for Marcel’s Quantum Kitchen? Oh, right, everyone.
10:47: JUDGES’ TABLE. The cult-like aura continues. Is it KoolAid time?
Antoina: “I’m conventional? Good, that’s the way I want to cook.”
10:49: Tiffany: “It was hot when it came off the fire.” Gail: “So why was it cold?” Thermodynamics, Gail.
10:50: Richard calls the diners liars. Nice.
10:52: When I think of all the conch jokes I could have made that I didn’t, it makes me want to cry. Maybe I’m growing up. Shudder.
10:53: Commercials. I don’t have an iPhone, so no, I don’t have iBooks. And yet, life goes on.
10:56: Winner: Mike. GODDAMMIT. WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?
10:57: Richard, some of your lobster was undercooked. (Yes, it was.) Tiffany, your soup was too cold and too sweet. Antonia, there was inconsistency in your execution.
10:58: Tiffany, pack ’em up.
No offense, but it’s about damn time. She’s been coasting. Back to Beaumont with you.
Next Week: Michelle Bernstein. Morimoto. Puck.