Last Week: There was Paula Deen and fried mayo, but then there was John Besh. There was Chicken-Oyster-Gate. There was not as much Marcel as there could have been, thank god. And then Dale got the knife for failing to honor the fish, propelling the hated Mike into the final five.
10:00: Richard admits that he wanted to go to the end with Dale, and this is the only elimination that made him sad. Somewhere, Fabio is watching, heartbroken.
10:01: Mention of Antonia’s daughter: DRINK!
10:02: Antonia is psychic!
10:03: QUICKFIRE: Get on the ferry. Now cook with ferry concession food.
10:05: Who will be tonight’s Mikey, producing a ground-up Snickers bar on the end of a Cheet-o?
10:06: Blais has an MRE bag in his knife kit, because: of course.
10:07: Mike just made a literal bowl of vomit. At least he knows it: “I wouldn’t serve this dish to my cat.” But you get to serve it to Dan Barber, ha!
10:09: Blais, you just made Vietnam cry.
10:11: That grilled cheese sandwich looks like the most edible thing there, and I’m using the term “edible” loosely.
Fabio, tweeting on Mike’s dish: “It look like a bowl of stomachache.”
10:13: Commercials. I find it hard to believe that anyone is falling in love with “Rango,” let alone critics. But hey, I could be wrong.
10:15: Winner: Carla’s orange salad. Also, Dan Barber refers to hot dogs as “frankfuters.”
10:16: ELIMINATION: Assemble a dish that represents your family’s journey to America.
10:17: The show has hired a geneologist to pry into the chefs’ backgrounds, which isn’t creepy at all. Then their families show up, and it’s time to cry!
10:19: Blais is getting a lot of air time: what does it all mean, editing monkeys?
10:22: Oh my god, listen to Mike’s mutha. It’s precious. I love it. Also, he has a relative named “Antoinette Antonacci,” because: of course.
10:24: So Mike and Antonia might be related. I’m sorry, Antonia. It doesn’t reflect on you, I promise.
10:26: Commercials. My mind is still not made up on The Adjustment Bureau. Advise me, hive mind.
10:28: Shopping. When in doubt, load up on the truffles.
10:30: Young Mike in pink spandex: priceless. It almost makes me not mind this overly-padded episode.
10:31: Winner gets a car. And when Padma, on the DVD, says, “Look around you,” all I can think of is the sentient calcium. Google it.
10:33: Pickled wha?
10:34: Cooking family food apparently = braising. And I have no problem with that.
10:36: Blais thinks that getting the boot near the end is the worst time to get the boot. I think Elia would disagree.
10:37: First up: Mike. Pork ragu, gnocchi, burrata. Regrettably, it sounds good, and is apparently better than his grandma’s. Bite your tongue!
10:38: Antonia: Braised veal and fava bean/rapini risotto. It’s what she would have cooked for her husband if she were an Italian Donna Reed.
10:40: Tiffany: Short rib, mustard greens, okra, oxtail marmalade.
10:41: Blais: More short ribs, potatoes, fried bone marrow and pickled glass worts. Carla’s man does NOT LIKE bone marrow. Say what?
10:43: Finally Carla, but not until after a commercial break.
10:45: “If I served at this elimination challenge, I’d have to serve a side of passive aggression. I’m thinking pickled beets.” (via @JeffHouck)
10:47: Pointless interlude. Everyone is nervous, especially Blais. What else is new?
10:51: Carla: Pork shoulder, grits, cheddar biscuits.
10:53: Time to say goodbye to the family, admist many reassurances. Now NO MORE CRYING.
Brian, on Richard and wife: “They both seem so cold. It’s nice that they found each other.”
10:56: JUDGES’ TABLE. Carla gets much praise, with the exception of some “tough corn.” Is tough corn enough to get someone sent home? It might be.
10:58: Did you know Tiffany is from Texas? Maybe you hadn’t heard. DRINK!
10:59: THERE’S NO CRYING IN TOP CHEF, ISABELLA. Your dead grandma isn’t going to help you now.
11:01: Okay, good things said about everyone. Who’s going? Is the tough corn going to be enough, as I fear?
New season of Top Chef Masters starts April 6th. Bravo’s not kidding about this year-round franchise thing, are they?
11:03: Commercials. Million Dollar Listing: “Don’t play my sister, because she’s like a sister to me.” Sigh.
11:05: Let the extreme nitpicking begin. I’ll go first: is it so hard to pronounce gnocchi correctly?
11:06: Okay, maybe his dead grandma can help him. They’re not going to give him the boot. I AM THWARTED FOR ANOTHER WEEK.
11:07: Winner: Antonia! And, she mentions her daughter again: DRINK!
11:08: Mike: also safe. DAMN YOU, UNIVERSE.
11:09: Tiffany, you gave us a soulful dish. Richard, you pulled off good English food. Carla, an exemplary sauce.
Okay, that was just mean.
11:10: Aaaand, commercials.
11:11: We’re losing Carla, aren’t we? It’s the tough corn. I’m going to start to resign myself now.
11:13: Everyone’s going to the Bahamas!
NEXT WEEK: Cooking on the beach. Diving for food. Grease fires.