Every week I cross all my fingers and toes for a Mike Isabella elimination, and every week I am thwarted. Will today be my day?
Last Week: There was Paula Deen and fried mayo, but then there was John Besh. There was Chicken-Oyster-Gate. There was not as much Marcel as there could have been, thank god. And then Dale got the knife for failing to honor the fish, propelling the hated Mike into the final five.
10:00: Richard admits that he wanted to go to the end with Dale, and this is the only elimination that made him sad. Somewhere, Fabio is watching, heartbroken.
10:01: Mention of Antonia’s daughter: DRINK!
10:02: Antonia is psychic!
10:03: QUICKFIRE: Get on the ferry. Now cook with ferry concession food.
10:05: Who will be tonight’s Mikey, producing a ground-up Snickers bar on the end of a Cheet-o?
10:06: Blais has an MRE bag in his knife kit, because: of course.
10:07: Mike just made a literal bowl of vomit. At least he knows it: “I wouldn’t serve this dish to my cat.” But you get to serve it to Dan Barber, ha!
10:09: Blais, you just made Vietnam cry.
10:11: That grilled cheese sandwich looks like the most edible thing there, and I’m using the term “edible” loosely.
Fabio, tweeting on Mike’s dish: “It look like a bowl of stomachache.”
10:13: Commercials. I find it hard to believe that anyone is falling in love with “Rango,” let alone critics. But hey, I could be wrong.
10:15: Winner: Carla’s orange salad. Also, Dan Barber refers to hot dogs as “frankfuters.”
10:16: ELIMINATION: Assemble a dish that represents your family’s journey to America.
10:17: The show has hired a geneologist to pry into the chefs’ backgrounds, which isn’t creepy at all. Then their families show up, and it’s time to cry!
10:19: Blais is getting a lot of air time: what does it all mean, editing monkeys?
10:22: Oh my god, listen to Mike’s mutha. It’s precious. I love it. Also, he has a relative named “Antoinette Antonacci,” because: of course.
10:24: So Mike and Antonia might be related. I’m sorry, Antonia. It doesn’t reflect on you, I promise.
10:26: Commercials. My mind is still not made up on The Adjustment Bureau. Advise me, hive mind.
10:28: Shopping. When in doubt, load up on the truffles.
10:30: Young Mike in pink spandex: priceless. It almost makes me not mind this overly-padded episode.
10:31: Winner gets a car. And when Padma, on the DVD, says, “Look around you,” all I can think of is the sentient calcium. Google it.
10:33: Pickled wha?
10:34: Cooking family food apparently = braising. And I have no problem with that.
10:36: Blais thinks that getting the boot near the end is the worst time to get the boot. I think Elia would disagree.
10:37: First up: Mike. Pork ragu, gnocchi, burrata. Regrettably, it sounds good, and is apparently better than his grandma’s. Bite your tongue!
10:38: Antonia: Braised veal and fava bean/rapini risotto. It’s what she would have cooked for her husband if she were an Italian Donna Reed.
10:40: Tiffany: Short rib, mustard greens, okra, oxtail marmalade.
10:41: Blais: More short ribs, potatoes, fried bone marrow and pickled glass worts. Carla’s man does NOT LIKE bone marrow. Say what?
10:43: Finally Carla, but not until after a commercial break.
10:45: “If I served at this elimination challenge, I’d have to serve a side of passive aggression. I’m thinking pickled beets.” (via @JeffHouck)
10:47: Pointless interlude. Everyone is nervous, especially Blais. What else is new?
10:51: Carla: Pork shoulder, grits, cheddar biscuits.
10:53: Time to say goodbye to the family, admist many reassurances. Now NO MORE CRYING.
Brian, on Richard and wife: “They both seem so cold. It’s nice that they found each other.”
10:56: JUDGES’ TABLE. Carla gets much praise, with the exception of some “tough corn.” Is tough corn enough to get someone sent home? It might be.
10:58: Did you know Tiffany is from Texas? Maybe you hadn’t heard. DRINK!
10:59: THERE’S NO CRYING IN TOP CHEF, ISABELLA. Your dead grandma isn’t going to help you now.
11:01: Okay, good things said about everyone. Who’s going? Is the tough corn going to be enough, as I fear?
New season of Top Chef Masters starts April 6th. Bravo’s not kidding about this year-round franchise thing, are they?
11:03: Commercials. Million Dollar Listing: “Don’t play my sister, because she’s like a sister to me.” Sigh.
11:05: Let the extreme nitpicking begin. I’ll go first: is it so hard to pronounce gnocchi correctly?
11:06: Okay, maybe his dead grandma can help him. They’re not going to give him the boot. I AM THWARTED FOR ANOTHER WEEK.
11:07: Winner: Antonia! And, she mentions her daughter again: DRINK!
11:08: Mike: also safe. DAMN YOU, UNIVERSE.
11:09: Tiffany, you gave us a soulful dish. Richard, you pulled off good English food. Carla, an exemplary sauce.
Okay, that was just mean.
11:10: Aaaand, commercials.
11:11: We’re losing Carla, aren’t we? It’s the tough corn. I’m going to start to resign myself now.
11:13: Everyone’s going to the Bahamas!
NEXT WEEK: Cooking on the beach. Diving for food. Grease fires.
Thursday Night Smackdown 
Repeat after me: Today WILL be that day.
sara, from your mouth to god’s ears.
Richard doesn’t miss anyone but Dale. Mike doesn’t think (duh). Antonia misses her daughter; could this be her night to go?
Michelle: You may have jinxed us. That dude never listens to me.
Ellis Island: Cook some food from the old country!
The history nerd in me loves that they’re going to Ellis Island.
Antonia wasn’t so far off with her quick fire prediction.
Ugh, Richard Twitchy-Face. Can’t take it.
C’mon, Carla, hootie frikkin’ hoo.
Go Carla, go!! That sounds like something I’d love to eat.
Again, Richard is annoying.
Ohh Ellis Island. Reuniting with family. I get it. But didn’t more families get split up than united on the island?
HOOTIE FRIKKIN’ HOO! Take that, Twitchy Face!
Tarah: Ha! And true dat.
“Fabio, tweeting on Mike’s dish: “It look like a bowl of stomachache.””
AWESOME.
Didn’t Tiffany get married? Where’s her husband?
Did Mike just kiss his mom on the lips? Blech.
Carla’s proud to be an American. Sing it. No, wait, don’t.
Sara: Oh I thought I saw that, too! But I didn’t want to believe it and blamed it on me looking back to the TV as he was greeting her and that just couldn’t have been.
Tarah: I don’t want to believe it either. But maybe I should because it’ll give me another reason to dislike him.
Did they say that Antonia is part Jewish?
Everyone but Mike thinks it’s a giant joke and not in a good way that he and Antonia might be related.
Sara: I think 1/8th or a 1/4.
Oh, then, welcome to the tribe, Antonia!
I hope this means that Carla will stick to her comfort food that she’s so good at.
Ugh, sharrup, stupid annoying cousins.
Cousins, identical cousins! They look alike, they talk alike, sometimes they even cook alike! What a crazy pair!
Please hold for the advertising spot.
Car challenge. Will the curse be broken?
Michelle: I’m totally undecided. It looks interesting, maybe. Good cast. But might take a bad turn into far too sappy for my taste territory.
Glass warts? Like Richard said, it sounds sexy. Wait, no, it sounds gross.
Oh no, Carla. Oh no.
NO! TODAY WILL BE THAT DAY!
I just ant to say, I love where they’re eating. Right on the water, gorgeous view of the bridge, twinkle lights above.
Tom likes okra! They’re all doing so well. I’m worried for my girl Carla.
Richard’s wife is MORE competitive than he is? Yikes.
Richard’s wife just almost had a heart attack when she heard Tom say “all right” and thought she heard “alright.”
Now we have to wait until after the commercial?! Bah! I’m so nervous for Carla and her cutie husband.
They all win the future!
Carla’s adorable husband is beaming. Yay!
Nice, Tarah!
I forgot that this is going until 11:15. C’mon!
I heard recently that “gravy” isn’t Italian Italian, but in fact, Italian American. True?
Wow, Mike, so many tears.
Carla’s so sweet to Mike. Then Antonia ruins the moment with her nausea.
Ooh, Top Chef Masters. And hello, Curtis.
am I correct that the *only* negative thing said about *anyone* was that Tom thought Carla’s corn was a little hard? If so, yikes.
yeah the Masters contestants/judges were announced today:
http://www.hitfix.com/articles/bravo-announces-new-top-chef-masters-judges-contestants
Michelle: Brian is SO RIGHT. Mr. and Mrs. Twitchy Face are meant to be (beshert, if you will and you’re part of the tribe…like Antonia!).
I have no idea who is going home, but I think Mike is going to win it. See? Jinx.
What?! I thought her meat was slightly salty (that’s what she said). Geez. And ruh-roh, Carla.
Why is there a perma-napkin on Padma’s dress, btw?
Richard: BE HAPPY FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
Weird voiceover there for Mike’s win.
Identical screaming cousins!
OH MAN THAT WAS SOOOOOO MEAN.
Ugh, I was hoping. Boo. Now I’m sad. 😦
holy hell Padma! Not cool to do it that way! I mean, they were all great, but after the comments, it couldn’t be Richard.
not a big richard fan. but padma that was crappy.
I don’t know who this Bethany person is, but usually when someone says “I don’t want to go through life thinking I’m the crazy one,” you’re usually the crazy person.
As soon as she said Carla and her eyes moved, I knew they were both going! Hooray!
YAY! Tiffany’s mom got it! Final 5!!!
What the hell!
HOOTIE HOO!
Also, more women than men. Wahoo!
next week: drama and craziness.
Well, Carla won’t have a problem next week, since she should’ve won her season, not Hosea. Fo’ reals.
But…Mike will have to beat Mike V. Were Antonia and Richard the same season? So would they both have to beat Stephanie? Wonder how that will work out. And then Tiffany with Kevin.