Tonight: fondue!
But then, Jimmy Fallon. Can’t win ’em all.
Last Week: I took some NyQuil, passed out seven seconds later, and mercifully missed three chefs butchering the food of my people. Mike almost got the boot, but Tre and his guns got knifed instead for some overly-stiff risotto.
10:00: In the sad empty bar where they hang out after Judges’ Table, Fabio remains unconvinced that Antonia’s winning mussels were actually Italian. It’s time to let it go.
10:02: When Blais sees the fondue pots, he thinks of being naked. Which makes me think of scalding cheese on one’s naughty parts.
10:03: They’ll be judging each other. Winner gets a three-day trip to Napa Valley.
10:04: The idea of smoked salmon fondue makes me want to hurl. Sorry, it just does.
10:06: Dale is making “pho-ndue.” Even he can’t bring himself to laugh at this “joke.” Angelo is making a deconstructed salad, which seems like a winning concept.
10:07: ENOUGH WITH THE RAS EL HANOUT, BLAIS. Do I have to say it? It’s Top Chef, not Top Ras el Hanout. I feel like this is not the first time I’ve had to say this.
10:09: Time for everyone to unleash their inner Bruni.
10:11: Commercials. I don’t sort my laundry, and somehow manage to do it without using a specialized anti-color-running product. I’m a genius!
10:13: The bottom: Fabio, Tiffany and Mike, who calls Dale a “fucking monkey” for putting him in the bottom. Classy!
10:14: The top: Antonia, Dale and Angelo. Shows what I know about smoked salmon fondue.
Winner: Dale!
10:16: They’re at Rockefeller Center, people are screaming. Apparently, it’s for Jimmy Fallon. Who knew? Antonia is the only person having the correct reaction: nonplussed.
10:17: The cheftestants have to play a convoluted cellphone game to decide which of Jimmy’s favorite foods they’ll be cooking for him. Fabio gets a “boorger,” which is Fabio-speak for “burger.”
10:19: Jimmy Fallon hates mushrooms, mayo and eggplant. Good to know.
10:21: Fabio’s boorger involves ground short rib, ground brisket and mortadella. I think he might be a genius.
You’re welcome, Buitoni.
10:24: Commercials. Maybe I’m still kind of sick (true) or maybe my distaste for Jimmy Fallon is just that strong (also kinda true) but I’d really like to bail on this ep and head to bed. I mean, I won’t. But I WANT to.
10:26: The chefs head to Colicchio and Sons to cook.
Angelo hasn’t been cooking to his strength, which is “flavor.” So what, exactly, has he been doing this whole time?
10:28: Now Jimmy Fallon’s dad is here, so I feel bad insulting him. Damn you, Jimmy Fallon’s dad.
10:30: Antonia made a twee little beef tongue sandwich that looked like a plate of food you’d put together if you were mocking haute cuisine.
10:32: Okay, maybe you don’t strictly NEED a flamethrower, but it would certainly liven things up, no?
10:34: Hootie Hoo is doing a lot of shrieking in her prep. I mean, a lot. And it hurts.
10:36: Fallon brought a trick fork to the tasting. OF COURSE HE DID.
10:37: Winner gets a cooking segment on Fallon’s show. That’s exciting, I guess. I know I watch Late Night talk television for cooking tips.
10:39: Commercials. Thirty-five bungee jumpers agree: This commercial doesn’t make a lick of sense.
10:41: ‘I think it was nice of Jimmy Fallon’s dad to take a day off from being Mr. Moneybags on Monopoly.’ (via @JeffHouck)
10:42: Pointless interlude.
More commercials: Brian: “I don’t know who Bethenny is. Am I supposed to?” No, you lucky, lucky man, you’re not.
10:45: The challenge is over, Hootie Hoo did great, and she’s still screeching.
The Top: Carla, Angela and Antonia. Antonia: dark horse?
10:46: Angelo’s coffee and dill mixture shouldn’t have made sense. And it still doesn’t to me, but apparently it’s killer.
10:47: As along as I live, I will never un-hear the “beef tongue” song.
10:48: Winner: HOOTIE! Who also gets a trip to freaking Tokyo.
10:49: The bottom: Tiffany, Fabio and Dale.
10:51: I think this spells the end for my Fabio, despite Dale’s salt lick of a sandwich.
10:53: The editing monkeys are trying to hide it, but I think we all know who’s heading home.
10:54: I will only say this once, and then I will deny that I did: Jimmy Fallon didn’t sound like a jackass tonight. Compared to some guest judge-lebrities, he was downright articulate.
10:56: Commercials. I don’t know if you’d noticed, but Swanson broth is a sponsor of this show. In case you needed a reminder. I take direct deposit, Swanson.
10:57: Chefs, you did not bring us to a happy place. Tiffany, the people demand dumplings. Fabio, you produced dry meatloaf. Dale, your sandwich was a salt lick.
Fabio, pack ’em up.
10:59: Fabio: Living the American dream, the dream of getting booted off a reality tv show.
Next Week: Elmo? Really?
Thursday Night Smackdown 
What? You don’t like Jimmy? I think he’s a peach. Yeah, I’m beating the crowd here ’cause I don’t have a laptop. Pleaseplease let donkey face Isabella go home tonight, I’m so sick of him!
Or Tiffany.
I liked Jimmy Fallon a lot more after he interviewed Paul McCartney. So really, it was all Paul, I guess.
Tre went home because of risotto, which he was taught to cook incorrectly. Good job, Tre’s mentor.
Okay, Bravo. Can we skip the bar bitchfest before the credits next week. It just kind of makes me want everyone to lose.
I take back what I said about Isabella mellowing – he’s still a prize jerk
So Richard’s parents are swingers?
Did Isabella just refer to fondue disparagingly as “gay?” On Bravo? Poor choice, jackass.
@ct: That’s what I thought he said. What a loser.
Richard’s chocolate is way better than Tiffany’s because it’s super cold.
Billini? Not a thing.
Ugh, I’m so over Blais.
Whoa, Padma calling them out like that!
Shut the eff up, Blais. I think you’re a little bit scared.
did a giant bottle of wine magically appear in front of Dale. Why doesn’t that ever happen to me?
If I ended up on TV with no notice like that, I’d be PISSED. But I guess they’re already on TV, so…
Fabio can’t say burger!
Antonia’s pants are a fashion don’t.
Maybe Blais will freeze the Ramen. Oh, and Carla got some comfort food! Hootie hoo!
I wonder who’s sponsoring this week’s episode? Lame.
What Fabio was making sounded like booger to me.
Maybe they shouldn’t have Fabio explain the challenge.
If Angelo hasn’t been working toward flavor, then what has he been doing? Shouldn’t food taste good?
Don’t worry, Mike. No one will ask for your help.
I love the new, mellow Dale.
Oh, c’mon, Carla! Hootie help?
Gail! We missed you!
Don’t love the melted cheese idea (not because Mike hasn’t seen one in a burger joint before)
It’s rare that Richard just does what’s asked of him.
Oh, Dale, the curse of too much salt.
Yay! Tom loves the pot pie!
Hooray for Carla!!!
Apparently, what motivates Angelo to cook for flavor is appearing on late-night TV.
Not surprised at the top three.
God, I love Carla, but I don’t think we could be real life friends.
Jimmy knows Carla: He knew that love would be in her pot pie.
Richard’s going to be pissed if Antonia wins. She could’ve said he helped her.
I’m calling carla for the win.
Late! but here!
WOOOO!
Yay! HOOTIE HOO! I thought it was going to be Angelo, and my sister thought it would be Antonia. But we’re super happy!
I called it!
…and she totally reminds me of a muppet/cartoon bird.
Yay!!!! Hooray for Carla!
Richard is a dick.
Geez, I actually like the bottom three. If only it could’ve been Richard and Mike. Then, who would care, really?
@Sara: Agreed. Shut up, Richard.
I generally like Jimmy Fallon, but he could maybe back off a little on how much it sucks to send someone home – sucks worse to actually go home.
Yeah, but Jimmy genuinely seemed to feel bad about sending someone home.
Oh, Fabio, take your knives back to your bunky bed.
Fabio is so cute and gracious. Aw, seriously, why couldn’t it be one of those sour boys in the middle?
No lie, I like that he wasn’t gleeful about it the way these people can be sometimes. It was just by the third time he said it…
I do not get next week.
Next week: Bourdain and Tom discuss stoner food…again. And Carla CLEARLY needs to spend her weekends with me, since I’m always at Target.
I am the shadow standing in my own sunshine. I love it!
Noooooo!!!!
I am so sad Fabio is gone. I’m going to miss him.
Carla is on Jimmy Fallon tonight (Thursday-well technically Friday morning). NBC at 12:35am.
When Blaise sees fondue pots he thinks of being naked. i think of the three fondue sets my exhusband’s relatives gave us as wedding gifts.
Commercial. Andy Cohen says “Tweet me!” I say “Bite me!”
NOOOO…..NOT FABIO!!!!
Next week…Elmo? WTF?
Also, apparently great chefs like to chow down on Buitoni pasta. They even use the little sauce packages that are included. They heat them up on GE Monagram stoves and wash it down with Turlato wine. Now I know why I’m not a great chef. Funny, it doesn’t make me feel inferior.
Now I know the problem with real life. No sponsors .
I watch Bravo to escape Elmo. I love my toddler, I respect his adoration of the furry red monster, but good lord!
Well, maybe they can pull off something like Elmo and Ricky Gervais: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jc20vMz0V7Q