Tonight: fondue!

But then, Jimmy Fallon. Can’t win ’em all.

Last Week: I took some NyQuil, passed out seven seconds later, and mercifully missed three chefs butchering the food of my people. Mike almost got the boot, but Tre and his guns got knifed instead for some overly-stiff risotto.

10:00: In the sad empty bar where they hang out after Judges’ Table, Fabio remains unconvinced that Antonia’s winning mussels were actually Italian. It’s time to let it go.

10:02: When Blais sees the fondue pots, he thinks of being naked. Which makes me think of scalding cheese on one’s naughty parts.

10:03: They’ll be judging each other. Winner gets a three-day trip to Napa Valley.

10:04: The idea of smoked salmon fondue makes me want to hurl. Sorry, it just does.

10:06: Dale is making “pho-ndue.” Even he can’t bring himself to laugh at this “joke.” Angelo is making a deconstructed salad, which seems like a winning concept.

10:07: ENOUGH WITH THE RAS EL HANOUT, BLAIS. Do I have to say it? It’s Top Chef, not Top Ras el Hanout. I feel like this is not the first time I’ve had to say this.

10:09: Time for everyone to unleash their inner Bruni.

10:11:  Commercials. I don’t sort my laundry, and somehow manage to do it without using a specialized anti-color-running product. I’m a genius!

10:13: The bottom: Fabio, Tiffany and Mike, who calls Dale a “fucking monkey” for putting him in the bottom. Classy!

10:14: The top: Antonia, Dale and Angelo. Shows what I know about smoked salmon fondue.

Winner: Dale!

10:16: They’re at Rockefeller Center, people are screaming. Apparently, it’s for Jimmy Fallon. Who knew? Antonia is the only person having the correct reaction: nonplussed.

10:17: The cheftestants have to play a convoluted cellphone game to decide which of Jimmy’s favorite foods they’ll be cooking for him. Fabio gets a “boorger,” which is Fabio-speak for “burger.”

10:19: Jimmy Fallon hates mushrooms, mayo and eggplant. Good to know.

10:21: Fabio’s boorger involves ground short rib, ground brisket and mortadella. I think he might be a genius.

You’re welcome, Buitoni.

10:24: Commercials. Maybe I’m still kind of sick (true) or maybe my distaste for Jimmy Fallon is just that strong (also kinda true) but I’d really like to bail on this ep and head to bed. I mean, I won’t. But I WANT to.

10:26: The chefs head to Colicchio and Sons to cook.

Angelo hasn’t been cooking to his strength, which is “flavor.” So what, exactly, has he been doing this whole time?

10:28: Now Jimmy Fallon’s dad is here, so I feel bad insulting him. Damn you, Jimmy Fallon’s dad.

10:30: Antonia made a twee little beef tongue sandwich that looked like a plate of food you’d put together if you were mocking haute cuisine.

10:32: Okay, maybe you don’t strictly NEED a flamethrower, but it would certainly liven things up, no?

10:34: Hootie Hoo is doing a lot of shrieking in her prep. I mean, a lot. And it hurts.

10:36: Fallon brought a trick fork to the tasting. OF COURSE HE DID.

10:37: Winner gets a cooking segment on Fallon’s show. That’s exciting, I guess. I know I watch Late Night talk television for cooking tips.

10:39: Commercials. Thirty-five bungee jumpers agree: This commercial doesn’t make a lick of sense.

10:41: ‘I think it was nice of Jimmy Fallon’s dad to take a day off from being Mr. Moneybags on Monopoly.’ (via @JeffHouck)

10:42: Pointless interlude.

More commercials: Brian: “I don’t know who Bethenny is. Am I supposed to?” No, you lucky, lucky man, you’re not.

10:45: The challenge is over, Hootie Hoo did great, and she’s still screeching.

The Top: Carla, Angela and Antonia. Antonia: dark horse?

10:46: Angelo’s coffee and dill mixture shouldn’t have made sense. And it still doesn’t to me, but apparently it’s killer.

10:47: As along as I live, I will never un-hear the “beef tongue” song.

10:48: Winner: HOOTIE! Who also gets a trip to freaking Tokyo.

10:49: The bottom: Tiffany, Fabio and Dale.

10:51: I think this spells the end for my Fabio, despite Dale’s salt lick of a sandwich.

10:53: The editing monkeys are trying to hide it, but I think we all know who’s heading home.

10:54: I will only say this once, and then I will deny that I did: Jimmy Fallon didn’t sound like a jackass tonight. Compared to some guest judge-lebrities, he was downright articulate.

10:56: Commercials. I don’t know if you’d noticed, but Swanson broth is a sponsor of this show. In case you needed a reminder. I take direct deposit, Swanson.

10:57: Chefs, you did not bring us to a happy place. Tiffany, the people demand dumplings. Fabio, you produced dry meatloaf. Dale, your sandwich was a salt lick.

Fabio, pack ’em up.

10:59: Fabio: Living the American dream, the dream of getting booted off a reality tv show.

Next Week: Elmo? Really?