Okay, this time it’s for real. The cheftestants go head to head with Colicchio, and then get to deal with a roomful of cranky people who want their dim sum RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Last Week (well, 2 weeks ago): The chefs made some product-placed stuffing without tools in a needless twist. Then they cooked at the US Open, and Spike bit it despite Jamie not even serving a dish. Not that I’m complaining.

10:00: Angelo: extra helpful or extra sneaky?

10:01: The chefs don’t have a particularly high opinion of Jamie. So in that, they’re like the rest of the world.

10:02: Padma is failing to rock the poofy-sleeved French sailor shirt.

QUICKFIRE: Speed test against a great chef…Colicchio. Marcel totally has a culinary boner about it.

10:04: Tom’s a methodical hustler, not that I should be surprised. He’s opening the holy hell out of some clams.

Tom’s time: 8 minutes, 37 seconds. SUCK ON THAT, CHEFS. Fabio peers into the pan of sauce, caveman-like.

10:05: This doesn’t give Jamie a whole lot of time to fail to produce some food.

Winner of the challenge gets immunity, and a car.

10:07: Lesson learned: Tom Colicchio will school you but good.

Dale: “I have nothing, and it tastes like doodoo.”

10:09: This is Top Chef, Angelo, not Top Yuzu.

Dale has only managed to get a single noodle on the plate. It’s one of the sadder things I’ve seen on this show.

Shut up, Marcel.

Shockingly, Jamie has also failed to produce a complete dish.

10:10: The bottom: Dale, Jamie, Angelo.

The top: Mike (blech), Richard (of course), and Marcel (insufferable).

Winner: Mike.

10:13: Commercials. If the iPad were on Top Chef, it would totally win. It does all.

Coupon Suzy needs to lay off the crack.

10:15: ELIMINATION: Chinatown challenge. Take over a Dim Sum restaurant during the Chinatown lunch rush.

10:17: I could keep saying “Shut up, Marcel” over and over, but instead I’ll jsut say it this once and you’ll extrpolate.

Jamie is doing…scallops. I’m not even going to make the joke.

10:19: Casey. Lipstick. Unfortunate.

Dale is getting the nostalgia family edit. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN, EDITING MONKEYS?

10:20: Now I know Tiffany’s bra size, and it’s taking up valuable space in my brain that I could really use for other things.

Tre astutely realizes that the Chinatown market is not Whole Foods.

Fabio: turle = “turtle.”

10:22: That’s a big ole bag of chicken feet, and that is not a euphemism.

10:23: Wait, Fabio, you braise your ribs at 375? Really? You should be HAPPY the ovens don’t go above 300 degrees.

10:25: Commercials. You know, I really don’t go to Red Lobster frequently enough. Or, you know, ever.

Do we really need our best thinkers spending their time figuring out how to make a self-sustaining amusment park?

10:28: Jamie’s dumplings are not working out the way she’s hoped. Jamie: Everything she touches, she destroys.

Casey: “I collect art about butchery.” Which is not at all creepy. Also: “I’m hoping to impress the judges with my chicken feet.” Which is unintentionally hilarious.

10:30: The crowd looks pissed before anything even begins, which is AWESOME.

Hey, it’s Susur! He also looks kinda pissed before anything even begins.

10:32: It’s mad wokery back in the kitchen.

10:33: Those long beans look like they’ve had the life cooked out of them.

“Imma tell you. Pissed off Asian grannies are the most terrifying thing on earth. They made the birds fall out the sky!” (via @LillyJ)

10:34: The Chinese diners’ comments are better than anything I can say.

10:36: The chefs are so slow that the diners are walking out. I’m surprised it took as long as it did. Tom has to go scold.

Hootie Hoo referring to Colicchio as “Daddy” = yuck.

10:38: That chicken foot looks vicious.

The diners are forgoing food to feed the children, like we’re in a famine. A Dim Sum famine.

10:39: Jamie’s scallop dumplings are flat as pancakes. Is there anything in there? Let’s all start fervently hoping for her elimination, shall we?

10:41: Commercials. I like my yeast infection solution advertisements to be more subtle.

10:44: Pointless interlude. Mike: “Everything sucked.” Except he won immunity and a car, so he doesn’t actually sound all that upset about it.

10:47: JUDGES’ TABLE. The bottom: Casey, Antonia, Carla, Jamie and Tre.

10:49: Susur, on the chicken feet: “If I had a few hours in front of the television, I could probably eat one.”


10:50: Hootie Hoo gets called out for not cooking with her heart, and it’s like a knife in the gut for her.

The top: Tiffany, Fabio, Dale, Angelo.

Angelo can barely keep the smirk off his face as he’s complimented.

10:51: WINNER: Dale!

10:53: No, no, don’t applaud Jamie for anything!

Tom, on Carla’s dish: “It’s not even worth the calories.”

Brian: “They have to kick Jamie off tonight. To do anything else would be insulting to the viewers, am I right?”

10:55: Commercials. Apparently, the Top Chef demographic is the same as the crappy chain restaurant demographic.

10:57: Antonia, you played an unfortunatle role in the long bean disaster. Jamie, everything you touched was a wreck. Casey, you were audacious but terrible. Tre, you were insipid. Carla, nothing could rescue your blandness.

10:58: Casey, pack ’em up.

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.

Next Week: Double elimination. Fishing. Marcel continues to irritate. So, you know, par for the course.