Last Week: Asprinio and Dale L. got the boot, so everyone goes out to get toasted and eat a fruit plate.
10:02: Hey, it’s that guy from TC: Masters with the melty-looking face whose name I could never remember! Apparently, it’s Tony.
10:03: QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE: Make stuffing. With Swanson broth. And no knives or kitchen tools.
10:04: Carla is going down the Thai-quinoa salad road. I don’t think that road leads anywhere good.
During the chef scramble, nothing is as prominent as the Swanson broth.
Is it possible that Fabio’s accent has gotten even stronger since his season?
10:06: Who will win the title of kitchen MacGuyver after this challenge?
10:07: Honestly, watching them stir their pots with corn husks and celery just makes me sad.
Carla: “I am nailing this sauce.” That’s what she said!
10:08: Can we, as a nation, decide to be over with ras el hanout?
10:10: The bottom: Carla, Tiffani and Casey. I knew that was the wrong road.
The top: Tre and Marcel (say wha?).
10:12: Commercials. A commercial for Campbell’s following the Swanson Quickfire? I am overwhelmed with soup options.
10:14: Top Chef just shilled for ITSELF during the show.
ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Cooking at the U.S. Open. Healthy eating. Team Challenge. Serving dishes head to head, and there are points, and it all got too complicated and I stopped paying attention.
10:16: Spike is concerned that he has no allies on his team. He has allies? Also, I never thought I would say this, but put your hat back on.
Apparently, upscale people can’t be vegetarian. Who knew?
10:18: Angelo is calling his dish “smoked fish.” I hope that’s because it actually is smoked fish.
10:19: Fabio is making…gnocchi. Again. IT’S TOP CHEF, NOT TOP GNOCCHI.
10:21: Tom tries to get the chefs to leak their plans, but no one’s talking. JUST COOK SOME GOOD GODDAMN FOOD, there’s your plan.
10:22: Slice! But Carla “mans up” (“womans up”?) and keeps going.
10:25: Commercials. Shep and Tiffany: an internet sensation. I’m glad I don’t keep up with my internet memes, because that looks like ass.
Do we really need instructions to make diSaronno on the rocks? Really?
10:27: Fabio decides to go first for his team, which the other team sees as a sign of his sucking. But he has the best gnocchi in town! You know, because he makes them frequently enough.
10:29: Taylor Dent sounds like a made-up name. Also, who?
10:30: I have zero use for the game play.
10:31: Brian: “Dale lost? Is he going to punch something? Do it Dale! Punch it!”
10:32: Point two to the yellow team, much to Marcel’s chagrin.
10:34: Micro-strategery on the part of Angelo, who is potentially sabotaging his own teammate.
10:37: I would eat the heck out of Carla’s soup, and she takes it. Hootie Hoo! The orange team wins it, admit much screaming. See? Good food wins out over strategery.
10:38: Commercials. If your New Years’ Eve involves Andy Cohen in any way, I’m very sorry for you.
10:41: I don’t care who knows it: I love the Andy Williams version of “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” almost as much I love Dean Martin drunkenly careening his way around “Winter Wonderland.”
10:42: Pointless interlude. Mike brings out the goofy side of the chefs. Which is funny, because he just brings out the angry side of me.
Brian: “Why do all these people like Mike Isabella in real life? It worries me. Maybe they’re all just total douchebags.”
10:45: More commercials. “The King’s Speech” might be the best movie of the year, but what the frick is it about? Am I supposed to already know?
10:47: Fabio, Carla, Richard and Antonia are tops. Fabio redemption! I’m sorry I made fun of your gnocchi!
Well, not really.
10:48: Compliments all around. Winner: Carla! Ululation! She’s going to “Eee-taly”!
10:49: The bottom: Casey, Tiffany, Spike and Tre. Back in the stew room, there’s some drama around Jamie, who’s not up for elimination despite not cooking. Which is confusing, which is why I don’t give a crap about the game.
10:51: Spike, your shrimp was bland, yuzu or no yuzu.
10:54: “I don’t know about out of balance dishes or flaccid salad, but I think their dishes could have used some mini Reese’s cups.” (via @JeffHouck)
10:55: Commercials. You know what else bugs me about the diSaronno guy? He slurs.
10:57: To sum up: Casey, you were good but not great. Tre, you gave part of your dish away. Spike, bland shrimp. Tiffany, flaccid tuna.
10:58: Spike, pack ’em up.
Spike: “It was a good run.” No, it actually wasn’t; it’s only episode 4.
Next Week: Cooking against Tom. Chinatown. Angry Chinese patrons eating mystery meat.