Last Week: If you ain’t first, you’re last. Or, if you’re Jen, second to last.
10:01: David Chang has a sizable noggin. It’s like an orange on a toothpick.
10:02: QUICKFIRE: Teams of four. Mise en place race – french lamb, peel garlic, prep artichokes. Then create a dish using the ingredients in 15 minutes.
10:04: Marcel is a bit overfull of lamb-frenching glee. Like, it’s a little disturbing.
10:05: FABIO IS A GARLIC SMASHING MACHINE. Not so much? Asprinio.
10:07: I haven’t heard this many people yelling “push!” since I watched one of those “I didn’t know I was pregnant”shows.
10:09: Two teams make carpaccio, which I get given the time, but still. David Chang tells team Blais they did a nice job, and they’re like giddy schoolgirls.
10:10: Winners: Team Blais. Which means, by association, Stephen. The 5k he just won will help embellish the comfortability of his posh loft.
“I want David Chang to say, “This is shit, I would have made this when I was seven goddamn years old.” (via @lillyj)
10:13: Commercials. Guy Fieri, you are no Santa Claus. Although I would take falafel and tacos over cookies and milk.
Andy Cohen’s hair is starting to tend toward the deep blue, huh? Not a good look.
10:15: ELIMINATION: Create a dish that would not be out of place at some of NYC’s best restaurants. One of which is wd-50, which means we have to deal with Wylie Dufresne. Also: double elimination.
10:17: But first, they get to eat at the restaurants.
10:18: I understand wanting to get up close and personal with the food, but actually snorting it is taking things a bit to far, Angelo. You fricking weirdo.
10:19: Seeing Spike’s hair, I kind of understand his hat fixation.
10:21: I’m a little worried abotu Carla having to cook for wd-50. I just have to trust.
Marcel wants to make sweet, sweet love to the aerated foie.
David Burke’s food is wackier than Angelo. It’s like, Lady Gaga food. Cirque du Soleil food.
10:24: Commercials. Who greenlighted a 3D Yogi Bear movie? I hate that person.
“how many dinner jackets do you think stephen has? does he have a dealer? does he go on big gay buying binges? jacket benders?” (via @lillyj)
10:26: Antonia is minding her peas and carrots.
10:27: Stephen is shaking that Vitaprep like it’s a crying baby.
10:29: First meal: at Marea. On one hand, Bourdain is back. On the other, Katie Joel is gone. So it’s a wash.
When the nicest thing you can say is “the fish skin is crispy,” it’s probably not a winner.
10:31: Next up, Ma Peche. Is ricotta big in Vietnamese food? Oh, Fabio. Also, look at the SIZE of that piece of lamb. This isn’t TGI Friday, my friend.
10:33: I see Padma’s stylist is back on the rock this week.
Off to Townhouse.
10:34: Are we still doing the thing where we make other foods look like scallops? I thought we were done with that.
10:36: Commercials. The day I consider a can of Chunky poured over some Uncle Ben’s “dinner” is the day you should hand me the gun.
10:39: Marcel was once accused of plagiarism by a wd-50 sous. And now he’s cooking there! Holy Manufactured Drama, Batman!
10:42: More commercials. I always want to hate the Ashton Kutcher Nikon commercials, then then I never do. And then I feel dirty.
10:43: “I probably should not have frozen my melons.” If I had a nickel. Also: snicker.
10:44: I would eat the holy hell out of Dale’s egg dumpling and pork belly. THE HOLY HELL.
10:46: First up: Dale, Angelo, Antonia and Tre. Angelo is a twitchfest.
10:47: Winner: Dale! See, I told you: THE HOLY HELL.
10:48: The bottom: Stephen, Fabio, Tiffani and other Dale.
10:50: Did Stephen accidentally include his cologne in this prodigious mise en place?
10:52:”The problem with Dale’s dish is that it just didn’t taste good.” Whoopsie.
“Gay Dale looks like Brendan Fraser with a buzz cut and hypertension.” (via @JeffHouck)
10:54: So we could potentially lose Tiffani and end up with Stephen? Don’t do it, universe!
10:56: Commercials. I’m just not as excited about Tron as I should be, I know.
Quickfire wines? For real? Sigh.
10:57: Stephen, you may know a lot but you still can’t cook. Dale, you’re a circus freak. Tiffani, you’re a pale fascimile. Fabio, you missed the mark.
10:58: OUT: Stephen (YES!) and Dale. Which means, not Fabio. Stephen shows remarkable self awareness, not that it makes me like him any more.
NEXT WEEK: More injury. Angelo the saboteur comes out. Something is flaccid, which is never good.