Last Week: Emotionally Fragile Elia got sent home. Fabio sucked it and needs a haircut. Everyone’s feeling the pressure.
10:02: It’s Joe Jonas and his eyebrows. What, the show couldn’t get Beiber? Disappointing.
Mark episode two as the first time Antonia mentions her daughter, and note that it won’t be the last.
10:03: QUICKFIRE: Create a midnight snack for kids. No utensils, no plates. And, you know, there’s Joe Jonas.
10:05: Mike Isabella: dissing his mother’s cooking on national TV. Stay classy, Mike.
10:06: Tiffani has matured and no longer hates America’s youth. And is making some kind of monstrous Rise Krispie – Moonpie hybrid. Maybe she secretly DOES hate them.
10:08: The daughter is mentioned for the second time.
Amusing: watching which chefs look at Joe Jonas suck-up-ingly, and which ones (Tre) could give a rat’s ass.
10:10: I think Cheese Crisps 2010: The New Evolution sounds like a great movie.
10:11: Tiffany, Mike and Stephen: called out by a Jonas. The top: Spike and Tiffani. TWEEST!: It’s a tie, so they’re letting the kids decide. Various chefs say lovely things about children, and various children behave in a non-jacked-up manner.
10:14: Commercials. Wow, romance-novel cover Fabio has not aged well.
10:17: The non-winning chefs have to help Spike and Tiffani create enough portions of their dishes.
Wait, Asprinio got picked before Fabio? The hell?
10:19: When Dale talks, there are so many expletives that I have no idea what he’s saying, and I know from expletives.
10:20: Yes, it IS going to come down to whether the kids want salty or sweet. You know what they want? They want EVERYTHING, because they’re a bunch of hyper kids with no parental supervision.
10:21: Did they pre-load these children with sugar, or have they just reached critical child mass? And then, Joe Jonas.
10:22: Joe Jonas: “Which snack did you like best?” Children: “OH MY GOD JOE JONAS.” Also, unsurprisingly, kids love sugar. Sorry Spike.
10:23: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Apparently it starts now. Is it cleaning up the godawful mess those horrifically behaved children left behind?
10:26: Commercials. When you fill your home with fragrance, menacing snowmen come to life and stalk your family.
10:27: ELIMINATION: Create breakfast for the kids and their parents for the next morning, cooking with whatever you find in the museum’s kitchen.
10:28: The women seem a lot more excited about the prospect of a museum sleepover than the guys. Let’s do each others’ nails and play truth or dare!
10:29: Stephen Asprinio: A Giant Dick.
10:31: Marcel, you feel like a kid because you ARE a kid. Get some damn sleep.
Listening to Fabio pronounce the word “dinosaur”: ADORBS.
10:32: Fabio: “I’m 32, and I just slept at the museum, with a moose.”
10:34: Jen’s dad always told her that second place is still losing, because her dad is Reese Bobby. If you ain’t first, you’re last.
Fabio is unfortunately paired with Stephen, who refers to him as “my fellow paesan” and yet is unable to properly pronounce the word “gnocchi.” I am insulted on behalf of all Italians everywhere.
10:37: Fabio is protective of his gnocchi. Not a euphemism, although it might also be.
Also: who wants gnocchi (not to mention gazpacho) at 7 in the morning?
(Brian: “I do!”)
10:40: Commercials. I don’t blame Jill’s parents for wanting to play Wii instead of hanging out with Jill, not one bit.
10:43: I find Blais’s face to be terribly distracting, and wish they would only feature him in voice over.
10:44: And, the first intimation that Angelo is a secret (or not so secret) saboteur.
Jamie comes back, just in time to do nothing, and with 2 measly stitches to show for it.
10:46: Hey, it’s Katie Lee not-Joel! Maybe she’s used the ensuing time to develop a personality and some screen presence.
10:47: Brian: “(giggle) She’s so awkward. (giggle)”
10:49: Wow, that braised bacon with hard boiled eggs looks sad. And gross. And sad. Gail: “It doesn’t taste like it was cooked the way I’d like it to be.”
10:52: Commercials. Look, Ponch is getting some work! Isn’t that nice.
10:55: Pointless interlude. Fabio! And accordions.
“We need to create t-shirts that say “Vote for Fabio” just like those “Vote for Pedro” shirts. And we can pretend we’re really cool.” (via @LillyJ)
10:56: Brian: “Why does the Victoria’s Secret commercial have a GI Joe soundtrack?” Also, who rides a horse bareback in their skivvies?
10:59: Jen can pull some Danielle-style faces when she wants to.
11:00: Team Brontosaurus, AKA Team Fabio, are the winners.
“Am I to understand Katie Lee was swapped in for Bourdain? That’s like swapping Hagar for David Lee Roth.” (via @JeffHouck)
11:01: Challenge winners: Angelo, Marcel and Blais, for their banana parfait.
11:03: What’s not to understand about the words YOU WILL ONLY HAVE MEAT?
11:04: What in the world has gotten into Jen? Is she coked out?
Seriously. The hell? She needs to get some sleep. She’s going to leap over the judges’ table and choke someone.
11:08: Commercials. Paul Rudd was a lot more appealing before he was in a Reese Witherspoon rom-com.
11:11: Tiffani and Dale, you sucked the least. Tiffany and Antonia, you were inconsistent. Jamie and Jen, you’re delusional. Casey and Tre, you were overreduced.
11:12: Jen, pack ’em up. BEFORE SPIKE? This is a mysterio world, where people throw ducks at balloons and nothing is as it seems.
11:14: It’s unfortunate that Jen had to go out on her overtired Crazie note, maintaining that her awful dish was actually good.
NEXT WEEK: Dusfresne.