THE LAST SEVEN SEASONS: lots of people with fauxhawks came very close to winning. Except for Mike, who didn’t actually come that close.
10:02: Aw, Tiffany, your head is as square as ever. And I already want to strangle Stephen with his watch chain, and then beat him with his bespoke umbrella.
10:03: Marcel has chicklet teeth. Also, how much did it have to hurt to lose to Ilan? Ouch.
10:05: Hello Casey, and hello Casey’s plastic surgery!
10:06: This is Top Chef, not Top Scallop. Let’s all remember that.
10:07: Hootie hoo!
I hate to say it, but Fabio’s looking kinda assy. Sigh.
Shiv was known as a strong, confident woman, except for all those episodes when she totally withdrew into herself and looked like she was going to cry.
10:08: Angelo, we hardly had a chance to miss you. Really.
10:10: Padma’s hair and makeup are adding 10 years to her. I see her stylists are as crack as ever.
10:12: Commercials. If my grandma was using my gifts of cash to buy jars of air, she’s be in a home.
FYI, 2 people found this blog today by googling “Padma nipples.” Make of that what you will.
10:15: QUICKFIRE: Chefs from each season will work as a team to create a dish that represents the city where their season took place.
10:17: New York has boldely selected to use apples. Creative! I expect this from Jamie, but not from you, Fabio. Of course, I also expected Fabio to have more of a chin.
10:19: Shiv: “My season was the most intimidating because of ME.”
10:20: So. Many. People. And yet, I have a better sense of the food than I did for an entire season of Just Desserts.
10:21: Mike Isabella judging the character of others: priceless.
10:24: Commercials. The Wii family: Someone to hate in the absence of the Toyota Sienna family.
10:26: The bottom: Marcel and Elia. TIffany and Stephen (BOOM!). Fabio, Scallop and Hootie.
10:27: Winners: Chicago and Blais’s mustard gelato. Mike is as classy a loser as ever.
10:28: ELIMINATION: Cook the dish that sent you home in the first place, but make it not suck.
10:30: Exactly how many people have been kicked off this show for poorly-done scallops?
10:32: Jamie, you didn’t get eliminated for your dish, you got eliminated for sassing Eric Ripert. Well, and for murdering some braised celery.
10:34: But leeks are DELICIOUS. Don’t blame your shortcoming on the ingredients.
10:35: Ah, Hosea flashback! Unnecessary! And Carla? You should totally blame Casey. And eat a cheeseburger.
10:37: Commercials. I know that I, for one, definitely feel a strong need to see “Charlie St. Cloud” 4 weeks before it’s available on Netflix. Also: Blockbuster still exists? Huh.
10:40: Two thirds of the way into one episode, and we have to revisit ShavedHeadGate. Hopefully, we’ve gotten it out of the way now and can let it go.
10:42: More commercials. When will the long national nightmare that is the “Focker” film series come to an end?
10:45: Richard Blais looks more and more like Jim Brewer with each passing day. And that’s not a good thing.
10:46: Stephen seems surprised that he doesn’t have the time or space to execute as well as he wants to, because he didn’t realize he was coming on Top Fricking Chef.
10:48: Since they knew in advance what types of dishes people would be doing, Bourdain had even more opportunity to plan out his bon mots. It shows.
10:50: Fabio’s dish looks as awful as the man himself. This is really taking the wind out of my sails.
10:51: Cooking montage, take two.
10:52: On Elia: “I hope I never get so emotionally brittle that I go fetal and create a makeshift Igloo throne in the corner of a kitchen.” (via @JeffHouck, who you should totally be following)
10:54: I demand to see Fabio go batshit insane on Bourdain. I DEMAND IT.
10:56: Commercials. I’m not sure how I feel about The Tourist. On one hand, Johnny Depp. On the other, everything else about it.
10:58: So, it seems like we’re going to end up losing someone decent, while Spike and Mike will live to cook another day. Dang.
Marcel’s dish looks like eyeballs!
10:59: Shiv gets a negative comment, and whoops, there goes the legendary confidence!
11:00: Spike, Scallop, Richard and Angelo land in the top spot although Richard isn’t eligible for the win because he kept plating past the beeper. Blais is pissed off, though he has no one but himself to blame.
11:02: Winner: Angelo! “Who, me?”
11:03: In the bottom: Fabio, Stephen and Elia. Okay, yes, Fabio might have sucked it and his dish was hideous, but he’s a tolerable personality. Do the right thing!
11:04: Stephen lives in a wonderland of his own.
Elia’s brilliant tactic of not changing up her losing dish is paying out handsomely.
11:05: Padma seems sad that Fabio is in the bottom.
Fabio talks back to Bourdain, Elia begs for her life and Stephen is clueless. Sigh.
“Fabio, Applebee’s is very successful, too. That doesn’t mean that their food is good. ” (via scjaustentite)
11:08: How long had you been waiting to make a colonoscopy joke, Bourdain? Congrats!
11:10: Commercials. Seriously, this “give the gift of cash” ad campaign is like a parade of the OCD.
11:12: Fabio, your dish horrified us all. Elia, you tried to kill us with raw fish. Stephen, you’re not nearly as awesome as you think you are.
Elia, pack ’em up.
It should be Stephen. Seriously.
11:14: This season on Top Chef: Paula Deen. Muppets. Competition. Someone disrespects the veal.