And then there were four. The cheftestant loft is mostly empty now, and the remaining chefs pretend to be sad. Then: bon-bons!

Last Week: Morgan crush vase, Morgan straight man, Morgan angry.

10:01: Something about watching Yigit shave is like watching a 7-year-old shave.

10:02: Francois Payard looks like he stepped off the set of The Sopranos. He scares Zac out of his pants, and he scares me a little, too.

10:03: QUICKFIRE: Tell your life story through a box of four chocolates. Go.

10:05: The Bon Bon Technique is the name of my new band.

Morgan was married. To a woman. Because he is STRAIGHT. But then his marriage didn’t work out, because his wife found out he was gay.

He’s making a bitter chocolate to symbolize it, because it is not at all predicable.

Yigit, meanwhile, is partnered with his identical twin. Not at all creepy.

10:07: Zac, she does NOT look like Marilyn Manson. He has much cleaner hair.

10:08: Gail looks purty.

Zac is hiding the pastry bags, and that is not a euphemism.

10:10: Commercials. Top Chef All Stars! But: Mike Isabella. So I don’t know how to feel.

10:13: Zac grew up in Maine, so he made a lobster truffle.

Payard is terse, which only seems fitting.

10:14: Danielle’s truffles look like something my preteen niece made during arts and craft at camp.

10:15: Morgan is throwing foreign-inflected words around like Alex Trebek is up in here. Also, shut up, Morgan.

“What I am enjoying is the incredibly thorough and complete way in which Top Chef is explaining complex chocolatier terms.” (via @JeffHouck).


10:17: Winner: Morgan. Maybe now he can stop being so angry and paranoid. But probably not.

10:18: ELIMINATION: Ben is a very clean old man. He’s celebrating his 61st anniversary, and is telling a long winded story about it. Make him a cake to shut him up.

10:21: Danielle, I don’t think you could ever be described as “stealth.”

10:24: Commercials. I’ve ALWAYS said that Camille is a liar.

10:25: Ben’s wife: Sylvia Weinstock. Brian: “Is she a real person?”

Her husband looked like an old man even as a young man. They once smooched under a piano.

10:27: Morganza, unsurprisingly, liked the part about smooching under the piano. Also, no, he has not become any less paranoid.

10:28: DO NOT MAKE A GREY CAKE. Have you never seen Steel Magnolias?

10:30: Zac’s blue cake is the color of a Titanic themed cake I once made for a friend in college. It was so blue, you could taste the blueness. I fear for him.

10:31: No, ALL OF YOU shut up.

10:33: Zac was unsatisfied with his cake, so he decides to shit disco dust all over it.

Sylvia’s friend’s husband is rocking a giant ‘stache. Sylvia is resplendent in a sequined collar.

10:34: Sylvia’s reaction to the grey cake: priceless. And not in a good way.

10:36: Zac’s cake: I think my Titanic cake looked better, even with the plastic boat jammed into the middle of it. And the Swedish fish.

Sylvia: “It would be a great Bar Mitzvah cake.” Heh. Love her.

10:39: Coming up – Morgan: still not gay.

Brian: “So what, is he slamming the gays now? And by that I mean insulting them, not any kind of innuendo thing.”

10:41: Commercials. I can’t wait for Tangled. Oh wait, yes I can.

10:43: Pointless interlude. Morganza relies on rituals, like reading entrails.

10:45: More commercials. Can’t wait for Morning Glory either.

10:46: Morganza, no one is listening to your mountain climbing metaphor, me included.

10:48: “I’ve seen miso soup thicker than poor Zac’s whispy faux hauk.” (via @JeffHouck).

No one else flavored their buttercream? For reals? It’s never occurred to me to make an unflavored buttercream.

10:49: Morganza, you did a bunch of things wrong. But Johnny Bravo is imprevious to your death glare. It’s all the hair product.

10:50: Morgan and Zac are picking at each other like monkeys picking nits, to no end whatsoever. Not that that part is anything new. Though it is rare to get bus-throwing and latent homophobia in the same interaction.

10:53: Commercials. So who’s getting the boot?

10:56: Winner: Danielle! Who does jump up and down like a little girl.

10:57: Morgan, you played it safe. Zac, you brought too much Zac to the table. Yigit, you tried to do too much.

10:58: Zac, pack ’em up.

Next Week: Lots of excuses to Danielle to make faces. Yigit is a phoenix rising from the ashes. And unBalaban!