Tonight, Yigit mourns the loss of Intact Head Heather, Danielle makes faces and Morganza’s manliness lashes out to shatter a vase. Scary!
Last Week: Zac’s tiny arms struggled to whip egg whites. Team Diva was cut down by a third when Intact Head Heather got the boot.
10:01: They all look so sweet and normal in the opening credits. YOU LIE, CREDITS.
The camera catches Danielle practicing her ridiculous faces in the mirror. So now we know.
10:02: QUICKFIRE: Make an edible bouquet. Decorator Shinmin Li is judging, and she will breathe fire on you if you suck. You have three hours, which is not so much “quick.”
The boyfriend blazer does not work for Gail. Still, it’s clear her stylist doesn’t hate her as much as Padma’s does her.
10:04: Danielle is using fresh fruit. So, an actual Edible Arrangement. My grandma loves those.
10:05: Sugar VaseGate!
10:07: I don’t think my grandma would like these. Did Danielle use fruit rollups?
Zac’s is very Studio 54, in that it looks like it was made by someone coked out.
10:08: No excuses, Yigit. Shinmin does not brook your excuses.
10:10: Bottom three: Zac, Eric (whose I thought was kind of cute) and Danielle. Shinmin is not pulling any punches in her critique.
Winner: Morganza! Pretty much for being the only one who didn’t totally suck.
10:12: ELIMINATION: Cater a tea party for Dour Dana Cowin and her dour friends. Create a dessert inspired by a celebrity couple. Ooh, I hope someone does Sonny and Cher. Or Bert and Ernie. Or Loni and Burt.
“I think my celebrity duo would be Mel Gibson and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Too soon?” (@sjcaustenite)
10:14: Commercials. I don’t know if you’d noticed, but Dawn is a sponsor.
10:17: Danielle is doing Conan and Andy. Zac is doing Julie Andrews and Blake Edwards and is making a tart. What are you saying about Julie Andrews, my friend?
10:18: Yigit is doing Madonna and Guy Ritchie, lame. Morganza is doing Kim Kardashian and someone. Eric is doing Oprah and Stedman, which is somehow not surprising.
10:20: No Chocolate in the PantryGate!
10:21: Brian just walked into the room and farted. I think it was an editorial comment.
10:22: Whoa! Icing should never be that color. You don’t want to taste food coloring.
10:24: Commercials. It always bugs me when Michael Symon takes up the whole dishwasher shelf with a single pan. IT’S A NON-STICK PAN, JUST WASH IT.
I get a little touchy.
10:27: Johnny Bravo and Gail Cowin hugging: the world’s unlikeliest couple.
10:29: “The Steadman shortbread crumbles in your mouth. Just like Stedman’s self-respect when he talks to Oprah.” (@TalkingTV)
10:30: Zac’s tweeness has reached new and alarming levels. Dana compares one of his desserts to Cap’n Crunch as though that’s a good thing.
10:33: Shinmin continues to be kind of a giant bitch, and I love her.
10:34: Brian, on Morganza: “He is not a straight man.”
10:37: Yigit: heading to the bottom three. Eric feels like he might have a chance, but he probably doesn’t.
10:39: Commercials. Oprah has dreamboat Shaun Cassidy and Peter Frampton on, because it’s 1976. Oprah Comes Alive!
10:41: Pointless Interlude. Danielle takes really long showers…with a box of cereal. The cardboard seems to be holding up remarkably well.
10:42: I miss Sara.
10:44: More commercials. The iPad is all things to all people. Also, whoever that Atlanta housewife is, she’s about to lose her girls.
10:45: The top: Mogranza, Danielle and Zac, who appears to be about to weep.
10:47: I’ve said it before, and I will continue to say it: Daily Candy lady IS A WASTE. LONG LIVE HUBERT.
Winner: Not Morganza! I mean, Zac. He wields the awesome power of Julie Andrews!
10:49: Eric and Yigit shuffle into the Judges’ Chambers.
Eric is a BAKER. You might not know that. Also, stop talking, Eric.
10:50: One-third of Yigit is three-quarters more Yigit than I need.
10:53: Will the judges boot Yigit over a lowly baker?
Brian, on Johnny Bravo: “I don’t respect his opinion. He makes me want to fart again.”
10:56: Commercials. Who still buys Buicks?
10:58: Eric, shortbread is unacceptable. Yigit, you failed in your duties. YOU’RE NOT MY SON.
Eric, pack ’em up.
Next Week: Truffles. And a Tweest!