Tonight: Dessert Wars! And hopefully, the slow, delicious, implosion of Team GoDiva.

Last Week: Elbows akimbo. Black and white desserts. Soapy ice cream. One of the few remaining tolerable chefs packed her tools and went.

10:01: Yigit thinks he has a target on his back. He does, it’s a big dot that says INSUFFERABLE.

10:02: QUICKFIRE: Mis en place relay race! Always fun.

Johnny Bravo is wearing a magic eye shirt.

10:03: A random cookie draw puts Team GoDiva together. Oh, yay.

The mis en place: somehow, piping buttercream roses doesn’t seem like it will be as exciting as frenzied oyster shucking.

10:05: I was right.

10:07: Morganza has muscles, and Zac has, what? Tyrannosaurus Rex arms? You’re gay, not consumptive. Whisk the damn egg whites.

10:08: Pulling down the strudel: Quick, make up what it’s a euphemism for.

10:10: Team Diva takes it.

ELIMINATION: Dessert Wars. Create the ultimate dessert shop experience. Three items each. There must be a bread. Two items a la minute. Winners get $30K.

10:11: Coming up: LemonGate!

10:13: Commercials. If you’re not on, you’re going to die alone.

10:16: Team GoDiva is creating an “adult candy shop.” Did they really think through what that means?


10:17: Albertson’s: The crappy franchise’s Whole Foods.

10:19: We’re almost a third of the way in, and Team GoDiva remains distressingly intact. And exponentially as irritating.

Morganza is kneading the dough like a MANLY MAN.

10:21: Either Danielle’s face is made of putty, or she has the use of facial muscles that most of us don’t. Also: Danielle calling Moganza nuts: pot, meet kettle.

10:22: Coming up: ShutUpGate!

10:24: Commercials. Morning Glory definitely looks like Oscar material.

10:26: Morganza is whipping cream like a MANLY MAN with his MANLY MAN face.

10:27: Yigit and Zac are both in the front of the house, because they are both shiny, glittering stars. Team NotDiva has wisely relegated Morganza to the kitchen, putting non-insane Eric in front.

10:28: Nancy Silverton: The Betsy Johnson of pastry.


10:29: Team GoDiva’s display case looks empty and sad, like their souls.

10:31: Intact Head Heather seems to be struggling, perhaps because the Sparklecorns left her in the kitchen all alone.

ShutUpGate was anticlimatic.

“Watching Heather and Zack arguing is like watching a pillow fight between two marshmallow men.” (via @JeffHouck)

10:33: Nancy finds the key lime timid. She would.

10:34: The skinny hipster is allergic to processed sugar. Maybe he shouldn’t have volunteered for this job.

10:37: It’s time to retire the word “unctuous.”

10:38: Morganza made a pretzel penis. An overly browned pretzel penis. Dour Danielle is really selling it.

10:39: Gail: “I would not complain about Morgan’s pretzel.” She wouldn’t, would she.

10:41: Commercials. The Samsumg commercials with the woman rapturously watching her washing machine is a barely veiled 1954.

10:42: Unstoppable really looks like Oscar material.

10:44: Pointless interlude. Morganza and Danielle have a love hate relationship, kind of like my relationship with this show.

10:47: More commercials. Everyone knows leprechauns are real, Dr. Pepper people. C’mon.

Danielle was “lackadaisical” in the front of the house. That’s just her trying to tame the crazy, I think. Seriously, look at the woman’s facial expressions and try not to cringe.

10:49: Zac, on their pastry shop: “Blah, blah, blah.” Yigit found the experience “psychologically difficult.” Huh.

10:51: Winning team: NOT GODIVA.

Danielle, winning is no reason to pull a Seth.

10:52: I predict the demise of Intact Head Heather.

10:54: There’s nothing that sticks in my craw more than an underwhelming frasier.

10:56: Commercials. Apparently, as a Top Chef view, I should really want to see Morning Glory. I resent that.

10:57: Zac, I’m going to voice my complains about you in a robotic overdub. Heather, you left fingerprints. Yigit, we’ve already been over your frasier.

10:58: Pack ’em up, Intact Head Heather.

Yigit has a breakdown that I don’t care about, but it wouldn’t be an ep of Just Desserts without crying.

10:59: Heather: “I wouldn’t have changed anything for the world.” Brian: “Really? You wouldn’t have rolled that dough a little thinner?”

Next Week: Cruise ship petit fours, oh no!