Tonight: Dessert Wars! And hopefully, the slow, delicious, implosion of Team GoDiva.
Last Week: Elbows akimbo. Black and white desserts. Soapy ice cream. One of the few remaining tolerable chefs packed her tools and went.
10:01: Yigit thinks he has a target on his back. He does, it’s a big dot that says INSUFFERABLE.
10:02: QUICKFIRE: Mis en place relay race! Always fun.
Johnny Bravo is wearing a magic eye shirt.
10:03: A random cookie draw puts Team GoDiva together. Oh, yay.
The mis en place: somehow, piping buttercream roses doesn’t seem like it will be as exciting as frenzied oyster shucking.
10:05: I was right.
10:07: Morganza has muscles, and Zac has, what? Tyrannosaurus Rex arms? You’re gay, not consumptive. Whisk the damn egg whites.
10:08: Pulling down the strudel: Quick, make up what it’s a euphemism for.
10:10: Team Diva takes it.
ELIMINATION: Dessert Wars. Create the ultimate dessert shop experience. Three items each. There must be a bread. Two items a la minute. Winners get $30K.
10:11: Coming up: LemonGate!
10:13: Commercials. If you’re not on Match.com, you’re going to die alone.
10:16: Team GoDiva is creating an “adult candy shop.” Did they really think through what that means?
HINT: NO ONE CARES ABOUT THE PLATES.
10:17: Albertson’s: The crappy franchise’s Whole Foods.
10:19: We’re almost a third of the way in, and Team GoDiva remains distressingly intact. And exponentially as irritating.
Morganza is kneading the dough like a MANLY MAN.
10:21: Either Danielle’s face is made of putty, or she has the use of facial muscles that most of us don’t. Also: Danielle calling Moganza nuts: pot, meet kettle.
10:22: Coming up: ShutUpGate!
10:24: Commercials. Morning Glory definitely looks like Oscar material.
10:26: Morganza is whipping cream like a MANLY MAN with his MANLY MAN face.
10:27: Yigit and Zac are both in the front of the house, because they are both shiny, glittering stars. Team NotDiva has wisely relegated Morganza to the kitchen, putting non-insane Eric in front.
10:28: Nancy Silverton: The Betsy Johnson of pastry.
10:29: Team GoDiva’s display case looks empty and sad, like their souls.
10:31: Intact Head Heather seems to be struggling, perhaps because the Sparklecorns left her in the kitchen all alone.
ShutUpGate was anticlimatic.
“Watching Heather and Zack arguing is like watching a pillow fight between two marshmallow men.” (via @JeffHouck)
10:33: Nancy finds the key lime timid. She would.
10:34: The skinny hipster is allergic to processed sugar. Maybe he shouldn’t have volunteered for this job.
10:37: It’s time to retire the word “unctuous.”
10:38: Morganza made a pretzel penis. An overly browned pretzel penis. Dour Danielle is really selling it.
10:39: Gail: “I would not complain about Morgan’s pretzel.” She wouldn’t, would she.
10:41: Commercials. The Samsumg commercials with the woman rapturously watching her washing machine is a barely veiled 1954.
10:42: Unstoppable really looks like Oscar material.
10:44: Pointless interlude. Morganza and Danielle have a love hate relationship, kind of like my relationship with this show.
10:47: More commercials. Everyone knows leprechauns are real, Dr. Pepper people. C’mon.
Danielle was “lackadaisical” in the front of the house. That’s just her trying to tame the crazy, I think. Seriously, look at the woman’s facial expressions and try not to cringe.
10:49: Zac, on their pastry shop: “Blah, blah, blah.” Yigit found the experience “psychologically difficult.” Huh.
10:51: Winning team: NOT GODIVA.
Danielle, winning is no reason to pull a Seth.
10:52: I predict the demise of Intact Head Heather.
10:54: There’s nothing that sticks in my craw more than an underwhelming frasier.
10:56: Commercials. Apparently, as a Top Chef view, I should really want to see Morning Glory. I resent that.
10:57: Zac, I’m going to voice my complains about you in a robotic overdub. Heather, you left fingerprints. Yigit, we’ve already been over your frasier.
10:58: Pack ’em up, Intact Head Heather.
Yigit has a breakdown that I don’t care about, but it wouldn’t be an ep of Just Desserts without crying.
10:59: Heather: “I wouldn’t have changed anything for the world.” Brian: “Really? You wouldn’t have rolled that dough a little thinner?”
Next Week: Cruise ship petit fours, oh no!