Tonight on Just Desserts: Seth continues to show us how stoic and professional he is in the face of competition.

Last Week: Sylvia Weinstock is a gnome. Wedding cakes are hard. Head Wound Heather got booted for a bad, housewively cookie.

10:02: Cameraman, your job is to show us what the giant tattoo says so that we may mock it.

Malika doesn’t want to make a decision about leaving, so she’s just going to whine a lot.

10:03: QUICKFIRE (The Official Breyer’s): Make the ultimate ice cream sundae. But you’re using Breyer’s, not making your own. This news is apparently enough to turn Ugly Marky into a raging bull. He’s got pastry tourettes! Or pastry autism.

10:06: And this is all about paper cups? Really? No, really?

10:07: Seth is so enraged that he enters a fugue state and wanders, dazed, from the room.

Sirens! Did he wander in front of a bus? Quick, someone plunge the adrenaline needle into his chest.

10:09: Seriously, I just want to see some damn chefs making some damn dessert.

10:11: Commercials. There is a lightly snoring dog on the sofa next to me. It enhances the experience.

10:12: Seth worked himself into a massive anxiety attack. He claims this has never happened to him before. If you’re doubtful, raise your hand.

He’s not going to be able to continue in the competition.

This whole thing just felt like a massive, anticlimactic time waste.

10:14: Everyone suddently hates Seth a lot less now that he’s no longer in the room.

10:15: Back to the show!

They’re assigned ice cream flavors, which I find unnecessarily limiting.

10:16: Was Seth real, or was that a fever dream?

10:17: Don’t manhandle your bananas, Yigit. He’s skipping around the kitchen like Mary Martin in Peter Pan.

10:19: Deep fried ice cream! Totally innovative, and not at all something you can get at a Chi-Chis.

I think the Gale/Gails have a thing for Morgan; I expected Gail to start flipping her hair around and tucking it behind her ear. Not so Yigit, who gets a manly handshake.

10:21: The bottom: Eric, we don’t want to know you. Danielle, your sundae was insufficiently referential. Erika, how dare you give us nuts?

10:22: The top: Zac, Yigit and Morgan. Winner: Morgan! They totally have a thing for him.

“Someone should make a sundae in honor of Seth. Call it a Dripping Hot Mess.” (@JeffHouck)

Coming up: A TWEEST!

10:24: Commercials. I’m not sure how I feel about the movie “Red,” even it it is from a Warren Ellis book.

10:26: And…Head Wound Heather is back! People clap, pretending to care.


(Shut up, Zac.)

Create desserts inspired by the Lucent Dossier Challenge. Make a showpiece, and something on fire. Also, each team member has to make an individual dessert. Way to cram it all in there, Bravo.

10:29: Lucent Dossier: Cirque du Soleil, with flames. And more boring.

10:31: Head Wound is all mumbly. Will she be the next victim of Pastry Autism?

10:33: Head Wound has questions, questions, questions for anyone who will listen, whether or not they’re on her team.

All the team names make me want to slap someone upside the head. Good out-of-the-box thinking, chefs.

10:34: Oh no, she IS going all Seth on us. Keep it together, Head Wound! No wandering off!

10:38: Commercials. I don’t understand most of the words in this moisturizer commercial.

Donald Sutherland is responsible for a full 50% of commercial voice-overs.

10:41: Malika can’t give up, except for all those times when she wants to give up.

10:42: Head Wound is not enjoying herself, which is why she decided to come back. Maybe if she washed her hair, she’d feel better.

10:44: There’s so much intricate stuff going on, it’s a shame we don’t get to see more of it. That’s something I’d be willing to give an extra 15 minutes for.

10:45: The Lucent Dossier Experience remains largely uninteresting.

10:48: Hubert!

I’m very over acai.

Is Eric that dull of a person that standing his dessert on its end is considered whimsical? Also: those star anise shards are gonna get you.

10:50: I like how failed meringue became “meringue shards.” I’m going to have to remember that one for the next time I fuck something up but need to pass it off.

10:53: Team Sultry fails to flame for the judges. ERROR.

10:55: Intact Head Heather is getting moody now. ONLY ONE BREAKDOWN PER SHOW ALLOWED.

10:57: Commercials. Isn’t the Pom Wonderful thing over? I thought it was over. Also, isn’t the Katherine Heigl thing over? I thought it was over.

10:58: Pointless interlude. Stew room. As everyone else falls to pieces, Eric perfects his downward-facing dog.

11:01: More commercials. The real houswives of Beverly Hills makes me want to take an ice pick to the eye.

11:02: Head Wound’s breakdown is much quiter than Seth’s, but is equally irritating to watch.

11:03: Winners: Team Morgan, with Intact Head Heather and Zen Baker.


11:04: Ultimate winner: Morgan. Not happy? Intact Head Heather.

11:07: Team Yigit’s lack of flame is biting them in the ass. And that’s it? No other problems?

11:08: Curry and banana: a shocking combination! That we just saw on regular Top Chef.

Malika turns AGAIN and asks to be eliminated.

Brian: “I want them to eliminate everyone and start a different show. Or else, introduce knife fights.”

11:11: Commercials. The dog just farted. I think it was an editorial comment.

11:12: Malika, we accept your resignation.

This whole episode has been a giant clusterfuck.

Next Week: Yigit continues turning into an ass. Morgan has a not-a-all-creepy thing for women’s shoes.