fail, cropped

Failure, that is. At least an epic failure would be something to tell the grandkids about one day.

rice

This? Was just a run of the mill failure, although I suppose it is impressive that it failed in so many different ways: conception, execution by two different people, photography, plating. So that’s something. I guess. I was going to not post this at all, what with the mundane failure and all, but Brian convinced me that your well-developed senses of schadenfreude demand it, so here you go: seared scallops in bourbon pan sauce over mushroom risotto.

See? It even sounds kind of failure-y. Would that I were David Lebovitz with the 40-odd posts going at any time and I could pull something different out of my ass. Alack, I am doomed to share my failed dinner with you.

And you know what the worst part is? The worst part is the exceptionally good scallops I’d bought, which were besmirched by the exceptionally shabby treatment they received at my hands.

bubble bubble

Actually, the worst part was probably that I had to eat this for dinner. Mmm mmm, tastes like disappointment. And burniness. Like scorched earth.

Let’s pinpoint all the ways this failed, shall we? I’ll start with the risotto:

  • I had no onion in the house and was too lazy to run out to the store and get one.
  • God only knows how old the white wine I found in the fridge was, or if it was even still wine.
  • I severely over-cheesed, resulting in a risotto that was far too cheesy to be credibly paired with seafood.

likker

Next, the scallops:

  • I completely forgot to salt and pepper them.
  • I completely forgot to take photos of them before, during or after searing.
  • I overcooked them.

And the pan sauce:

  • The heat was turned up too high, burning the fond, which resulted in a dusty, blackened sauce.
  • There wasn’t enough bourbon.
  • Did I mention that the sauce was dusty and blackened? To wit:

whisk

See? This is deeply problematic.

Then I plated it up and took a picture anyway, since there was no turning back at this point. Truly, this photo is worth a thousand words, and all of those words are “yuck”:

dinner fail

Let me attempt to convince you that scallops in bourbon sauce, one of Brian’s specialties, have been successfully produced before to great renown; usually the sauce is a beautiful rich amber, sweet but biting. Let me further state that risotto has been successfully produced many, many times in my kitchen, and up until tonight I thought I had a knack for it, a belief which has been severely dinged by tonight’s “meal.”

So there you have it: everyone sucks sometimes, and occasionally, everyone sucks it HARD.