Let’s all give a warm welcome to Gail, Johnny Bravo, my secret boyfriend Hubert and the blonde lady.


The best moment they could pick for the blonde lady was her saying “It’s like a party in my mouth”? This is going to be a long season.

I haven’t looked at Bravo’s site yet, so I have no idea who any of these people are.

11:03: Okay, we have Ugly Marky Mark and Ugly Julianna Margolies so far. Ugly Julianna is a REBEL. A Jewish Atheist? Shocking! I only know TEN THOUSAND of those!

11:05: I already hate Zach. Shut up, Zach.

Oh, it’s Tim Nugent. For a minute I heard Ted, and I got excited.

TOO MANY QUEENS. And I’m a total hag, so that’s saying something.

11:07: Why has Gail been covering up the girls lately? Sad for the viewers.

Johnny Iuzzini’s hair looks like it’s made of laqucered fondant.

11:08: Quickfire: Make your signature dessert, 50 bucks, 90 minutes.

11:09: If you’re coming on this show and you don’t have your shit memorized? I have no time for you.

11:11: A TWEEST! That was quick.

Based on the first 11 minutes, I’d say that the crazy quotient is a lot higher here than your run-of-the-mill Top Chef, and I’m not convinced that that’s a good thing.

11:14: Commercials.  Your decorating senses are too divergent. Your marriage will end in a drawn-out divorce. Ikea cannot help.

11:15: The tweest: Transform your signature dish into a cupcake Why are you all so upset? YOU’RE GODDAMN PASTRY CHEFS.

Also? Are we not done with the cupcake thing? I thought we had finished that, then moved on to the macaron things, then finished that as well. Have we come back around?

11:17: Ugly Marky Mark doesn’t know how to think outside the box. Of COURSE you make basil buttercream. Or a syrup to soak the cake. Or a dozen other things. Get it together.

11:18: Johnny Bravo does not brook your pretend-witticisms, Zac.

11:20: Your semifreddo? Not a cupcake. Shape does not dictate cupcake-ness. Follow the directions.

11:21: The bottom: Monica, who made nothing. Tim, whose semifreddo was not a cupcake. Zac, your marshmallow sucked it.

The top: Ugly Marky Mark, Ugly Juilanna, and Heather. Winner: Marky Mark. The Funky Bunch goes wild!

11:22: ELIMINATION: Working with chocolate. Create the most luxurious chocolate dessert, one that will impress Jacques Torres.

11:23: Zac, shut up.

I’m going to create a macro for that.

11:25: Watching them try to pick beds in the house is like watching an episode of The Real World: Middle School.

11:28: Commercials. For Top Chef Just Desserts. During Top Chef Just Desserts. Meta.

11:29: Morgan is feeling confident because he often works with chocolate, unlike the rest of these PASTRY CHEFS.

Failure is not an option, but it is sometimes foist upon you.

11:31: Ugly Julianna is getting the slow doink-de-doink music of questionable dishes.

11:33: Judge meet and greet with Morgan. Where is Hubert? I was led to believe there would be Hubert.

“Deconstructed desserts? :::yawn::: Be a professional. Construct it. I don’t ask my mechanic to return my car with my transmission removed.” (via JeffHouck)

11:35: Eric the baker made…a brownie. Anticlimactic.

Zac, put away the disco dust. Also, shut up. Torres: “You do not blow on food.”

11:36: The Daily Candy woman, whose name I’ve already forgotten, is a waste of my time.

Ugly Julianna feels the need to defend her mousse before the judge’s even taste it. Do not defend the mousse to me.

11:39: How the hell do you make rubbery ice cream? I’ve made a lot of ice cream, and I’ve fucked it up, but never in that way.

Listening to Erica talk is like sandpapering my eardrums.

11:40: I love chocolate, but the idea of eating all those desserts in a compressed time period? Blargh.

11:42: Commercials. Breyer’s is the best ice cream you could get to sponsor the show, Bravo?

How does someone as big as Shaquille O’Neal sneak into your living room without your noticing?

11:44: Pointless interlude. Zac, shut up.

11:47: Judges’ Table: Zac, Ugly Marky Mark and someone named Heather are the top three.


11:49: Curry for dessert, Wha? Yes, blonde lady, curry. I’m ahead of the curve!

11:50: Winner: Heather.

11:51: The bottom: Morgan, Danielle and Ugly Julianna.

Danielle looks like her face is melting.

11:53: Jacques Torres looks sternly at your poorly-textured mousse, Ugly Julianna.

Morgan’s excuse for his flan: “I was hoping you wouldn’t notice, esteemed pastry chef judges.” Good plan!

11:54: Johnny Bravo and Gail both seem a little stilted as hosts, and the blonde lady is a non-entity.

11:56: Commercials. On the NuvaRing: “Don’t you have to, you know…?” Stuff it up your hoo-hah? Yes, you do.

11:57:  Danielle, your dessert was structurally compromised. Ugly Julianna, you didn’t correct your obvious mistake. Morgan, you didn’t suck as badly as the other two.

11:59: Ugly Julianna, also known as Tanya, pack ’em up. Apparently, there IS a great deal of crying in pastry.

This Season: Cheerleaders, circus acts, hackles are raised, people are thrown under buses, and everyone comes off kind of like asses. Good times!