Last Week: Dana Cowin was dour. No one made astronaut ice cream. Tiffany froze her mussels and was sent home, while The Dropper made it a double header.
10:02: A fitting end to this patriotic, DC-centric season: move it to Singapore.
Seetoh: King of Street Food. He might be my new hero, because we all know that street food is the pinnacle of a culture’s culinary prowess.
10:03: This old man has been frying the same dish of noodle for 40 years; those are some beat noodles.
10:05: Ed is already resplendently sweaty. Maybe he’s feeling an emotion!
10:07: The chefs seem shocked that they’re being called on to cook rather than continue their street food tour, because they’ve never watched past seasons.
QUICKFIRE: Cook your own street food, using only a wok. Kevin “doesn’t wok.” I say: suck it up, and wok like a man.
10:08: I think Ed has had his eyebrows manscaped during the break from filming.
10:11: Okay, now everyone is resplendently sweaty. Watch your seasoning, kids.
10:13: Commercials. They should really stop playing the Sienna commercial during these episodes, because the blind rage makes it hard for me to watch the show.
I wish I was more excited for Just Desserts, but this sucky season of Top Chef has drained away any joy I might feel.
10:15: Angelo: chile crab legs. Kelly: Chinese noodles with lobster and cockles. Kevin: Seafood stew with crispy shallots.
Kevin admits he’s never used a wok before, and Padma’s dander is UP.
10:17: Ed makes something that I didn’t catch.
Seetoh is complimentary to everyone. Winner: Ed! He’s got immunity, so he’s into the final. He smiles a real smile! Brian: “It looks like it makes his facr hurt.”
10:19: ELIMINATION: A team challenge. Cater a party for Dour Dana, cooking Singaporean cuisine. Fire dishes a la minute.
I call shenanigans on a team challenge so late in the game. Hell, I call shenanigans on the immunity as well.
10:21: They decide they only need to make four dishes. I’m sure the judges will be impressed.
Coming up next: Tom is unimpressed.
10:23: Brian: “Don’t you wish you could go into a restaurant and say, ‘Hey, how do you serve your cockles?'” Because we are both 12, and the continued use of the word “cockles” makes us laught.
10:24: Commercials. The Real Housewives of Atlanta know how to work some giant hats.
10:26: Ed’s Dropper-hate is barely contained. But we’re talking about Ed, so he mostly just looks bemused.
10:27: Kelly is making fish head curry. Eat them up, yum! She pretty much asks the spice merchant to make up her curry seasoning, so thanks, spice merchant’s mother’s recipe.
10:28: Ed is making a second dish! He’s going rogue.
The Dropper: “I’m glad I don’t have immunity. I think immunity is a double edged sword.” Sour grapes much? If it is a double edged sword, I’m pretty sure both of the edges are good.
10:30: Kevin is making clam chowder. You should not be able to win Top Chef with clam chowder.
10:32: Tom basically orders them to make another dish each, giving Ed prime suck-up opportunity / the chance to act like a total dickbag.
Maybe I’m a bad person, but watching Kelly struggle with her can opener is the funniest thing I’ve seen all day. Or maybe the Screwdriver I just had was too strong. “These can openers don’t open Asian cans!”
The Dropper channels his inner motivational speaker and psychs himself up to make some soup. I know I usually lean on an imaginary midget Tony Robbins when I have to make soup under pressure.
10:34: Chefs scramble, as Kelly gradually bleeds out from the finger.
10:38: Commercials. SIENNA. Blood pulsing in head.
10:40: Pointless interlude. Prawn fishing. Kevin is scared of the prawns. He’s not touching that thing. That’s what she said!
10:42: More commercials. I’m glad Jennifer Hudson can. I like butter too much.
10:44: Everyone is moving with great, almost painful intensity.
1045: ’ gfdsaa
That message brought to you my the cat that just walked across my lap.
The waitstaff look like little French sailors.
10:47: I wish I were playing a drinking game based on the word “cockles.” I bet I’d be enjoying the episode a lot more.
10:49: Dana is wearing the low-necked dress that Gail should rightfully be wearing.
10:51: Seetoh is once again highly complimentary, whereas Dana looks like she hates everything even as she praises it.
10:52: I could really go for some Eric Ripert right about now.
10:53: Someone may put the beatdown on the waitstaff before the night is over. I predict Angelo.
I’ve never seen Tom look as happy about anything as he looks about Ed’s banana fritters.
10:55: This meal brought to you by some not-to-subtle Terlato product-placed wine.
10:58: Commercials. Use AT&T for your mobile phone carrier, or you’ll sink into a life of meaningless oblivion.
11:00: JUDGES’ TABLE. Angelo almsot forgot he was competing. You know who didn’t forget? Ed.
11:03: “Tastilicious”? I expect more from you, Gail.
The banana fritters are deemed the “perfect stoner dish” by a giggling panel of judges who actually come off kinda stoner-esque.
11:04: Based on the judges’ comments, I’d say it’s not looking for hot for The Dropper, although it could be Kelly.
11:07: Winner: Ed He’s happy to be in the finals, but happier to have beaten The Dropper for the second time.
11:10: Commercials. EVERY commercials break? Really, Toyota? I’m sorry I can’t get past this. COME THE FUCK ON.
11:12: Is Angelo going to burst into tears? Because I will LAUGH.
Kelly, pack ’em up. So, another all-dude finale this year.
Brian: “Angelo, don’t cry! Tony Robbins wouldn’t want that!”
11:13: And he’s an UGLY crier.
NEXT WEEK: Angelo is sick, and every dick that’s every won the show comes back. Hooray.