Tonight: Restaurant Wars.

Prepare for the inevitable implosion.

Last Week: Alex was a creepy motherfucker. Pea Pureegate went unresolved. Tiffany kicked some ass. Hopcraft screwed up rice, and packed his knives.

9:02: Of COURSE LeahRedux has an annoying baby morning voice. Of COURSE she does.

Please, no, keep the beast on a leash. I implore you, Shaft. I believe the local ordinance requires one no longer than 6 feet.

QUICKFIRE: Blindfolded tag-team cookoff. Ed chooses Tiffany. You know, because of their imaginary relationship.

9:04: Padma has stolen 1983’s blazer, and a old French sailor’s shirt.

Shaft and Tiffany lead off. Apparently, Shaft is not only a beast, he’s the “preppin’ weapon.” Blargh.

9:07: The Blue Team seems to be working together smoothly, while the Red team, whose downfall was engineered by CMF, is disrespecting the fish with salt.

Guest judge: Nancy Pelosi. Which makes total sense. Top Chef has officially alienated it’s Republican base.

9:08: Is Nancy nervous, or is she having a mild epileptic episode?

Still, she’s a good judge because of her Botox-induced poker face.

9:09: Winner: Blue team, duh.

9:12: Commercials. AT&T is making mobile broadband more afforable to make up for the inability to complete a basic phone call.

9:14: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Restaurant Wars. Teams: Shaft, Kevin, Kelly and LeahRedux vs. Tiffany, The Dropper, Ed and CMF. Guest judge: Frank Bruni.

Ouch! Don’t fuck it up, kids.

9:16: “Restaurant Wars is upon us. Let the least worst team win.” (@JeffHouck)

9:18: The Dropper naturally fell into the role of executive chef when he forcibly wrested it from his teammates.

Someone is making a pea puree. Heaven forfend.

Guess who’s taken over the exec chef role on the other team? I’ll give ou 2 guesses, but I bet you only need one.

9:19: Yes, definitely, put your creepiest team member at the front of the house. Then again, it does keep him out of the kitchen.

9:20: The Red team calls it’s restaurant Evoo, one can only assume as a touching homage to master chef Rachael Ray.

9:22: Did The Dropper get into CMF’s secret coke stash?

9:24: Commercials. Mom’s not going to be happy when she sees how you’ve ground all that Chex Mix into the new trampoline.

9:26: Why does he carry that giant spoon? Also: he’s an asshole as a boss.

The low-key techno music of unfortunate juxtaposition plays as Alex is shown browbeating his staff while Kelly… doesn’t.

9:29: Frank Bruni has not eaten a single thing, and already, he is not amused.

9:32: The Red team’s food is going over so-so, but CMF is screwing the pooch with the judges in front of the house. Shocker!

I’ll take another TWO weeks of LeahRedux if we can get rid of CMF tonight.

9:35: Commercials. The Great Food Truck Race: Cramming more Tyler Florence down our throats.

9:37: LeahRedux is cooking grass-fed beef for the first time, on a wood-fired grill she’s using for the first time, because EVERYTHING SHE DOES is for the first time. “This beef is weird.” Again: Blargh.

9:40: Kelly welcomes the judges, which automatically puts the Blue team one up.

Shaft “is not bringing his ego to this particular challenge.” as though it is at all possible for him to do that.

9:41: Did she just say “aL-monds”?

Tom Colicchio spouting fashion rules = cognitive dissonance.

9:43: Bruni: “You can look at it and know you’re not going to get the pleasure from it that you want.” That’s what she said!

9:44: Bruni makes Xtreme bitchface at the goat cheese.

9:47: JUDGE’S TABLE: Red team, you were the last sucky team, so you win. SHUT UP.

We must suffer CMF for another week. And his pea puree is praised. Eh.

Winner: Ed!

9:48: Ed and Tiffany hug! More evidence of their torrid affair!

9:50: Bruni: “I felt like this was a beet salad done through the guise of hamburger helper.”

I told you to watch out, kids.

9:52: The Blue team tries the unprecedented move of throwing someone from the other team under the bus. There’s no music for that!


9:55: Commercials. I’d hallucinate a purple kangaroo if it meant I’d have great hair, wouldn’t you?

9:57: Kelly’s soup was too thin. Amanda was responsible for one thing and couldn’t do it. Kevin didn’t do too much, though what he did do was good. Kenny horrified us with a baseball of goat cheese.

Fingers crossed for LeahRedux.

9:58: Pack ’em up, Shaft! DAMN IT, there’s no way to get rid of her!

Shaft is not at all bitter.

Next Week: Leon Panetta and Wylie Dufresne, together at last.