Tonight, the chefs are revealed as the philistines they are when they are forced to cook global cuisines with which they have no experience. I mean, really, Brazil? Do they even have a cuisine?

Last Week: Where the hell is the pea puree?

9:02: Kelly: “I made a fatal error in seasoning.” Really? A fatal error?

I have an idea: let’s talk about the pea puree some more, but let’s be careful not to actually resolve anything.

9:03: QUICKFIRE: Marcus Samuelsson is here. He is not wearing denim. Does not compute. The challenge: create an Ethiopian-inspired dish. Marcus gives them a primer, because Top Chefs cannot be expected to know anything about Ethiopian food.

9:06: Alex wins the race to the pressure cooker because he is taller and then, like all Top Chefs, can’t figure out how to close it.

“Since when did Ethiopia have food? THERE I SAID IT.” (@lillyj)

9:08: Shaft did a duo, because he’s That Guy. Also, The Dropper is a suckup. It’s an unfortunate day when you find yourself in the position of sucking up to Marcus Samuelsson. Because, you know, he’s kind of a douche.

Marcus, that is.

9:09: Kevin’s dish was too shy. Hopcraft was interesting but still bad, which is really more of a global description of Hopcraft. Alex dried out his tongue.

9:10: LeahRedux ends up in the top, along with Shaft and Tiffany.

Winner: Tiffany. Yay! I actually halfway like her. At least, she hasn’t given me reason to hate her. Yet.

9:13: Commercials. Thank you, Comcast, for providing the ubiquitous caller ID I never knew I needed. I now demand caller ID on every electronic device I own.

9:15: ELIMINATION: A culinary trip around the world, with each chef getting a different country for inspiration. Feeding 100 diplomats (and people in suits Bravo pulled off the street), but with only access to a “shaving dish.” (TM Kevin)

9:18: Shaft has had hard times in his life, and that makes him better than you.

9:19: Kevin knows nothing about Indian cuisine. “I’m thinking of using chicken,” first words that do not inspire confidence. You’re a chef. India is a massive country. How do you know nothing?

He thinks he’s the most challenged, but I don’t think he’s talked to Hopcraft, who is honestly not sure that Brazilian food entails other than steak.

9:20: Ed, who has China: “I’m familiar with Chinese food…I’ve had Chinese girlfriends.” Seriously, every chef that didn’t end up with France or Italy is giving me a headache.

9:22: LeahRedux is making Boeuf Bourgnignon and pommes something something because, as usual, she thinks she’s at her culinary school final exam.

9:24: Colicchio is really getting up close and personal with the food during the sniff and sneer.

Aside: I’m going to BlogHer this weekend and got invited to a participate in a sandwich-making contest judged by Padma and a group of children. Is it in any way shocking that I do not want to participate?

9:26: Commercials. Pink bubblegum ice cream? Really? I don’t think 4-year-olds are watching Top Chef.

9:27: Alex: on a scale of 1 to 10, how much does he creep you the fuck out? The serial killer glasses aren’t helping. I’m going to start calling him Creepy Motherfucker, or CMF for short.

9:30: LeahRedux’s beef is dry, so she’s going to salvage it by cutting it into smaller pieces so even more juice has the opportunity to leak out. Troubleshooting!

9:32: Guest judge, Jose Andres, along with Marcus in a hat.

Marcus should not wear a hat.

9:34: Kevin seems to be doing well, and after the misleading call to his pregnant wife, which is so often a harbinger.

9:35: Gail’s dress is not representing her to best advantage, if I’m being polite.

9:37: The Austrian ambassador is thrilled with The Dropper’s Japanese food, which is surely high praise.

Is The Dropper going to bestow his affections on LeahRedux now, because she’s the next youngest and cutest? Not at all disturbing.

9:40: Commercials. But now many divorces has Match.com led to? I’d like to know that statistic.

9:42: Pointless interlude. Toilet humor. Literally, it’s about a toilet. Glad Plastic Wrap: the official sponsor of toilet-related practical jokes. I’m sure they were thrilled about that additional coverage.

9:45: JUDGE’S TABLE: Kelly, Shaft and Tiffany are the top three.

9:47: High praise for everyone. Kelly, in particular, honored the carpaccio. She did not disrespect the beef.

Winner: Tiffany! The other chefs actually seem happy for her, which is a nice change from pilfering pea puree.

9:48: The bottom: CMF, Hopcraft and Ed.

9:50: When you get to this level, you should never produce anything described as “mealy.”

Andres just described CMF’s dish as a “little nightmare.” Heh.

9:52: Of the three of them, I’d like to keep Ed, and Ed bores me to tears. Also, how did LeahRedux not end up in the bottom?

9:55: Commercials. I’m insulted that the show thinks I am the appropriate demographic to which to market “Charlie St. Cloud.”

9:58: Hopcraft, you fucked up rice. CMF, you did not demonstrate an actual ability to cook. Ed, you sucked, but not as badly as the other two.

Hopcraft, pack ’em up. He really enjoyed being on the show. Sadly, we did not enjoy watching him.

On the downside, that’s at least one more week of CMF.

Next Week: Restaurant Wars!