Don’t make me regret turning off So You Think You Can Dance, show.
Last Week: Shaft and The Dropper butted antlers to see who would be the pack leader. Smoove B packed his knives and went.
9:02: Smoove B was the “father figure” in the house? That’s a dysfunctional family.
Michelle Bernstein with a kicky new haircut!
9:03: QUICKFIRE: Outlandish ingredients. Foie and frog legs seems unfair, when someone gets stuck with duck nuts.
Ed tells a story about duck nuts that should be at least somewhat amusing, but it’s Ed.
9:05: Sentence I’d hoped never to hear in regards to edibles: “I’m going to do a testicle marshmallow.”
Testicle Marshmallows is the name of the emo band I had when I was 14.
9:06: A TWEEST! Each chef has to take over the protein to their left.
9:08: Duck tongue soup does not look like something I want to eat. Ever.
Andrea’s knickers are in a twist over being judged by Michelle Bernstein, possibly because Michelle has the far superior version of their hair.
Hopcraft can’t help but snicker as Padma eats the duck nuts, because he is 11.
9:10: Hopcraft’s frog legs are insipid. Sad. Then again, Hopcraft is pretty insipid in general, so it was probably inevitable.
9:11: Winner: after the commercial. But potentially LeahRedux, so let’s all hope that’s not the case.
Not the winner: Andrea. Question: If you’re as good as Michelle Bernstein, why are you on this show? Just asking.
9:14: Commercials. I think I’ll just re-read Ramona and Beezus, but thanks anyway, Hollywood.
9:15: Winner: Kelly! Who I don’t particularly like, but I like LeahRedux even less.
9:16: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Make a dish best served cold. Chefs are split into two groups, and they’ll be serving to the opposing team as well as the judges. Get ready to get your bitchy on, chefs.
They’ll do their menu planning while they sail around the Potomac, for no apparent reason.
9:18: They’re on a motherfucking boat, ya’ll.
Kevin is a SPY! Shaft thinks everyone is out to get him, possibly because he’s set himself up as someone who should be gotten.
9:19: I can’t believe that Tiffany REALLY likes Ed. She seems like a reasonably interesting person who’s not in a coma.
9:20: The Dropper manhandles the salmon.
Alex sagely points out that the hard part of the challenge is not knowing what the other chefs are going to say. Unlike all the other challenges, where the judges drop obvious hints.
Coming up: Tamesha is the silent killer.
9:23: The official Dial poll question: Would you ever eat duck testicles? I’ll bet you a dollar that the answer is “no.” Any takers?
Commercials. There’s something new inside your McDonald’s Happy Meal. It’s called extruded beef product! Oh, my bad, apparently it’s called hope.
9:26: Andrea is still harping on Michelle Bernstein. You know, she could have been Michelle Bernstein if she hadn’t chosen to have kids. And had more talent. Also, way to throw your kids under the bus!
9:27: Tamesha could “strangle [LeahRedux] in a heartbeat,” and says it with the world’s straightest face. It’s chilling.
9:29: The power is going to Hopcraft’s head. Down, Hopcraft.
Meanwhile, Ed can’t imagine that anyone will take him down for personal reasons, because he doesn’t know the hidden evil that is Hopcraft.
9:32: Tamesha knows she can “be a bit harsh.” That is, she will cut a bitch.
9:34: When you’re more of a dick than Tom Colicchio? You’re a Dick.
9:35: Shaft is going down. But I’m sure it wasn’t personal.
The way Hopcraft says there was no scheming? Completely makes him sound like a schemer. Way to be subtle, Hopcraft.
9:38: Commercials. Italy’s cultural and culinary heritage has found its fullest expression in Buitoni pasta.
9:39: Pointless interlude. ANGELO CAN CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS. Also Ed used to have sex with Angelo’s girlfriend. Aaand, CURTAIN. Ed: one classy motherfucker.
Also: Angelo? Girls?
9:43: Don’t second guess yourself, Tiffany! Except re: your relationship with Ed.
The Dropper, to his server: “Be careful, it’s like a baby.”
9:44: Andrea made a trio of tar-tars.
The Dropper needs to stop describing his food as “beautiful.”
9:45: Ed: “I couldn’t taste the beef at all. It’s like that saying: where’s the beef.” 1987 wants its reference back, Ed. But nice try at having a personality.
9:46: Tiffany is deemed tops, while the chefs politely refrain from going after The Dropper, who perhaps can actually control their thoughts.
If the editing is correct, the Stew Room is actually in the US Capitol.
9:48: Stew room. Shaft doesn’t understand why he’s on the bottom. Really, you don’t understand? I bet you do.
Tiffany and Kevin are tops.
9:49: Winner: Kevin! He wins a Hawaiian vacation. Also, welcome to my consciousness, Kevin!
9:50: The bottom: Tamesha and Shaft.
Tamesha stands behind her dish, but would make changes. Sure.
9:51: Tamesha disrespected the scallop. And then she quietly garrottes Tom.
9:52: Shaft thinks he’s there because he’s a threat, and Michelle Bernstein quickly disabuses him of that notion.
9:54: Commercials. Is Top Chef: Just Desserts a good thing, or are we all going to suffer Top Chef Burnout?
Then again, it does mean we get to see more of Gail and the girls.
9:57: Apparently, 30% of the Top Chef viewing audience would gladly eat duck testicles, so you totally should have taken that bet.
9:58: Knifed: Tamesha. Watch your back in the parking lot, Padma.
Next Week: Tiffany and Ed have a relationship. REALLY. And pea puree shenanigans.
Thanks for hanging out, ya’ll! Off to check out your comments.