topchef2The competition continues, and thankfully none of the middle schoolers they’ll be feeding will have to worry about an errant dreadlock in their PB&J after the early demise of John.

How much of a cocky asswipe will The Dropper be tonight? All bets are off!

Let’s hope I actually remember the nicknames I gave people last week.

Last week: Angelo, aka The Dropper, swept the night, which did nothing good for his ginormous ego. John and his unhygienic hair were sent packing.

9:02: Ed is READY TO WIN. In a low key, not-really-that-ready way.

QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE: Sam Kass, White House Chef, has a very smooth head. That’s the kind of skull you hope for when you shave your head. The challenge: make a sandwich…WEETH A TWEEST!

9:04: The contestants pair up, and they will be joined at the hip, only able to use one hand each. Smoove B (Timothy): “Who got high and came up with this idea?”

9:05: N-Rod’s (Tracey’s) laugh makes me want to punch myself.

9:07: Dammit, I really have to go to the bathroom.

Arnold is a little too fabulous for words. My inner hag is drawn to the tractor beam of his gayness.

9:08: Bravo, there’s no reason to make your captioning so tiny. Don’t you want me to know what’s going on?

9:10: I would tell you more about what’s going on, but, you know, tiny captions.

N-Rod and The Dropper are on top, along with Shaft and Ed.

Shaft and Ed = the worst buddy cop comedy ever. “Iiiiiit’s SHAFT! And Ed.”

9:13: Commercials. Hospitaliano! Vomit.

9:14: N-Rod and The Dropper take it. So, is the season pretty much over then?

9:15: ELIMINATION: School lunch, with the same budget schools have to serve lunch. Top Chef grows a social conscience.

9:17: The winners get to pick their other team members, and they go with the dynamic Shaft-and-Ed dog and pony show.

When I think middle school, I think sherry-braised chicken thighs. Especially when I think middle school on a budget.

9:18: Hopcraft: “Tasty pudding is good.” He’s a sharp one, that Hopcraft.

9:21: Compromise at the restaurant depot, as everyone is over budget. Are we learning a valuable lesson? Because Bravo really wants you to learn a valuable lesson.

9:23: Commercials. Electrolux: Helping you be a better stereotypical 1955 mom.

9:25: Kelly is making carnitas tacos. They were her idea. She wants you to know, and she wants to tell you in a faux-Spanish accent.

9:27: N-Rod is talking about her home life. Does that mean she’s going? Because I wouldn’t mind getting rid of her rasp of a “laugh.” Oh wait, she’s immune. Dangit.

Arnold is concerned about the lack of “I” in “team,” Kelly.

9:29: The Dropper’s foam gun is busted. And even though I can’t stand him, I don’t want him to go out on an equipment malfunction. Smoove B won’t lend him an extra, because he “only has three.” Heh.


9:30: Has Kelly mentioned that the tacos were her idea? And she made them? Herself? Between her and the Valuable Lesson, I’m getting really sore from being beaten about the head and face.

9:33: Okay, your shard of celery buried in the peanut butter mousse? Not a vegetable. I mean technically yes, it is a vegetable…you know what I mean. And why is a cookie involved?

9:35: Is it just me, or is this episode remarkably dull? Bravo’s effort at pounding the lesson home is sucking the life out of it.

9:37: I’m giving it to the tacos, which were made by Kelly. Seriously, it’s like Marcus and his international bullshit: WE FUCKING GET IT. YOU MADE THE FUCKING TACO.

Whew. Sorry.

9:39: Commercials. I always get a little sad for that damn monkey.

9:40: Pointless interlude. Padma needs a new, post-pregnancy stylist.

9:42: I hate to say it, but I’m a little mad at this show for making me miss the second half of So You Think You Can Dance. I’m supposed to love you, show.

9:44: JUDGE’S TABLE. Teams Dropper and Hopcraft get called in…they’re on the bottom. Suck it, Angelo!

9:46: Yes Amanda, where did you get the budget to buy sherry, while the rest of your team had to sacrifice?

Team Dropper is imploding before our very eyes, as the Dropper is accused of quasi-sabotage and talks back to Tom…and then the bottom teams turn on each other. It’s a little delicious.

Gail loves vodka. Me, too! That’s two things we have in common, the first being a great rack.

9:49: It’s lucky for Angelo that he’s got immunity. Comeuppance! But if we lose Shaft because of it, I’ll be displeased. Ed, not so much.

9:51: The judges decide on a winner without even calling both top teams in: It’s team “There’s no “I” in Team”! They loved the tacos, the tacos that Kelly made.

9:52: Winner: Kelly. For the tacos. That she made. And I can’t even be happy for her, because SHUT UP.

9:54: Commercials. The Olive Garden really thinks the Top Chef demographic is theirs, huh?

9:57: Shaft and Ed are in the bottom four, along with Amanda, who I’ll be calling Sherry, and Jacqueline.

9:58: Pack ’em up, Jacqueline; dessert claims another Top Chef victim. You were screwed by sherry. But children, they are a gift. I believe that children are our future. Teach them well, and let them lead the way.

NEXT WEEK: Picnicking. Someone doesn’t like Alex. Sherry demands that you take her seriously, although she makes it really hard. I think she smokes because she thinks its makes her look like a grown-up.