topchef2The love-fest that is Top Chef Masters comes to an end, and we get back to business.

Tonight, the premier, which means there will be way too many chefs to know what’s going on. Let’s go!

So I read some of the chefs’ bios on Bravo – is it just me, or are a lot of them already pretty fricking successful? What are the criteria for getting on this show?

Anyway. Here’s to a new season, and to a non-dickweed winning!

9:00: There are still idealists in Washington, D.C.?

Welcome, Eric Ripert! I know a lot of people think you’re hot. I personally find you kind of like a zombie, but we’ll agree to disagree.

9:02: Enough shots of the giant phallus we call a monument, Bravo.

Hopcraft. Heh.

9:04: Chef meet-and-greet. For Top Chef, this is a remarkable faux-hawk-free season.

Okay, you already own THREE restaurants. Why are you on this show?

9:05: New Jersey in the house! He (whatever his name is) wants to show that New Jersey is here. Which is unnecessary, because we all know that New Jersey is the king of states.

Angelo, you’re namedropping…enough. It’s only been five minutes, don’t make me hate you.

9:06: QUICKFIRE: Mis en place tournament. Peeling potatoes. Brunoising onions. Breaking down chickens. Then the top four make a dish with the ingredients. Winner: $20K.

9:10: Cussing! How I’ve missed you.

Kenny is a mis en place speed freak. Some of these chefs’ knife skills make me want to cry. And then make me feel really good about myself.

9:12: Kenny is fast, but can he cook? He’s on Top Chef, so probably. Now I’ve jinxed it, so I’ll prepare to eat my words.

9:14: Commercials. Who has two thumbs and doesn’t love a Stouffers toasted sub? This gal!

Nicknames I’ve already bestowed: Timothy = Smoove B. Angelo = The Dropper.

9:17: Kevin = Jersey. Kenny = Isaac Hayes (thanks to @culinarypirate).

It’s a truly abhorrent vest that can make someone as thin as Padma look too hippy.

9:18: It’s down to Isaac and The Dropper. I’d give it to The Dropper, that onion jam sounded killer. He takes it!

He wants to be the first contestant to win every single challenge. Good luck with that, kiddo. I’m sure it will happen.

9:20: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Regional cooking for 300 people at the Cherry Blossom festival.

Isaac can’t be bothered with remembering his fellow chefs’ names. He comes across as quite classy.

Ed is the last guy standing. Ed’s demeanor thus far is way too laid back for this show. Get your cuss on, Ed.

9:22: John’s hair is just…no. You can’t pull off that hair over the age of 19, and even then it’s borderline. He is, therefore, The Unfortunate Hair, or TUH for short.

Isaac Hayes is a bit long to type too, so we’ll just go with Shaft.

9:25: Commercials. Bethenny’s face hasn’t grown into her jaw yet.

Whole Foods fracas.

9:27: Arnold is getting his feng shui on with some flowers. Precious.

Russian and California fusion. I should be intrigued. I am not. Then again, for me, there’s no way to intrigue me with borscht.

9:29: TUH is doing a dessert, because maple flows through the tree of Michigan. In other states, maple hatches from eggs.

He’s like the eccentric uncle that you didn’t like to be left alone with as a child.

9:30: NO, Jacqueline. You ALWAYS pass it through the tamis. Has Thomas Keller taught us nothing?

9:33: Padma’s got some girls to rival Gail going on.

Seriously, people think Ripert’s sexy? He’s so…Teutonic.

Chicken liver mousse bound with egg white. Almost as appealing as deconstructed borscht.

9:34: What did I tell you about the tamis, Jacqueline? WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

9:36: Tracey = Not Rosie O’Donnell.

The faster I can assign nicknames, the faster I’ll know what the frick is going on.

9:37: Commercials. Who has two thumbs and is glad Betty White is back on TV, even if I’m not going to watch the show? This gal!

9:38: We’re back, to a shot of some power gays skipping up the steps.

unRosie made shrimp and grits, so I have to root for her. Unfortunately, she sucks.

9:40: Did you know Alex was born in Russia? He was. So far, he’s the Marcus of the season, but less sob story.

9:41: Can someone explain the appeal of fiddlehead ferns to me?

TUH gives me the jibblies.

9:43: We’re back in the stew room. None of these comfortable chairs and gin and tonics for plain ol’ cheftestants.

JUDGE’S TABLE: Alex, Shaft, Jersey and The Dropper.

9:45: Alex’s glasses make him took like a serial killer.

WINNER: The Dropper. Damn.

Did he just say “I will set the ‘presidents'”? I mean, I know what he meant, but the lack of proper diction irritates me. Then again, I guess I’m not watching Top Elocutionist.

The bottom four: Jacqueline, Smoove B, TUH and Hopcraft, who I don’t think needs a nickname with a name like that.

9:47: I HATE chicken liver mousse, and I think I could make it without a recipe. Get your shit together, Jacqueline.

I’m calling TUH, AKA Creepy Uncle, to kick it.

9:49: Padma’s newly-enhanced lady lumps are incredibly distracting. Also, I see she’s raided Kelly Choi’s hair accessory collection.

9:52: Commercials. One of those Real Housewives is getting a little Joan Rivers with the eye lifts.

Random interlude. ED DOES NOT APPROVE OF FUN.

9:54: More commercials. On one hand, I’ve seen trailers of Knight and Day that have made me chuckle. On the other hand, Tom Cruise.

Is your hair talking to you? You may need medication.

9:57: What exactly is Cleveland cuisine? It’s obviously underrepresented in the culinary scene.

KNIFED: Your Creepy Uncle. Pretend to be sad, everyone.

THIS SEASON:  A three-legged race? The Dropper is going to snipe you. Cooking that is “literally out of this world.” Running. Crying. Yelling. Asshattery. And Jonathan Waxman!