topchefmasters1Marcus, Rick, Susan, Jonathan and Susur remain.

In dramatic news revealed in this week’s videos on, Marcus is tired. Also, he continues to flog the dead horse that is his all-denim wardrobe. The chefs will be cooking dishes inspired by a Greek god. As usual, Susur has no concept of what’s going on.

And all I wrote at the end of last week’s episode was “NEXT WEEK: Everyone goes fucking nuts.” Let’s Watch What Happens, shall we?


10:02: QUICKFIRE: Identify that ingredient. Marcus v. Susur, Rick v. Susan, and Jonathan gets a bye into round two.

10:04: Marcus has an IMPECCABLE palate. He “protects” it. Does he insure it? Does Lloyds of London do that?

Susur takes his round, because he is the “sauce tasting master.” EAT IT, MARCUS.

10:06: I am being almost as uninteresting as this season.

Is it mandatory that everybody brag about the impressiveness of their palates? Because you’re just going to look like an ass when you lose.

10:07: Rick v. Jonathan v. Susur, head to head on a Thai curry sauce.

Kelly, there’s no need for such a look of disgust when Jonathan screws up with “butter.” How would YOU do at this challenge? You have to EAT to develop your palate.

10:10: Susur gets the music of impending doom…THERE IS NO GARLIC INNA THE SAUCE. Rick takes it. Your childhood eating cigarette butts paid off!

I think this challenge should be like the last round of wheel of fortune, where certain letters are a given. Choosing mirepoix, salt or pepper just seems like a cheap shot.

10:14: Commercials. I have nothing to say. This season has drained me of life.

ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Knife draw, each with the name of a Greek god. Susur can’t pronounce his (Dionysus). Rick has his patented Rick Moonen look of brooding intensity.

10:16: Ha! People injuring themselves is funny.

10:17: Marcus has Ares, the god of war. He’s making a tartare, because people in wartime didn’t build fires, so as not to draw attention to themselves. I definitely think tartare when I think of war. I’d be more impressed if he could create a gourmet MRE.

10:18: Rick, who has Hades, decides to do root vegetables because they grow underground. Brian: “The devil loves beets.”

Susan is making “love custard,” and I don’t know if she knows exactly how that sounds.

10:21: The Obi-Wan reference has ceased to be entertaining in any way.

Susur: “I have to cook for the god of wine…who gives a shit about that?”

10:23: Marcus WORKS OUT. He is therefore better than you. You know who doesn’t? Waxman. Who is ACTUALLY better than you.

Bravo, multiple choice FAIL. You asked the same fucking question last week. Is it so hard to keep this shit straight?

10:26: Commercials. I wish Ashton Kutcher would just…go away. Stick to twitter.

We’re back, and it’s time for a TWEEST!

Oh, it’s not really a Tweest, it’s the world’s most heinous birthday cake. A “French Alps” cake should not be, there’s no way to make that good.

10:28: Time for the shocker: this morning, Marcus was tired. It’s never happened to him before! Because, remember, better than you.

Caul fat just grosses me the fuck out, and that’s all there is to it, Susur. However, you amuse me so I’ll let it go.

10:29: Marcus, sad story about his family, blah, blah, blah. People still don’t like you.

10:30: Susan is wacky, yet cute as a damn button.

So far, no one is going fucking nuts, as I predicted last week. Stupid editing monkeys.

10:31: Service starts, and I can only muster 1/4 of a rat’s ass of caring.

10:32: Okay, caul fat or no caul fat, that looks damn good.

The war god would not eat FOAM. He would eat BURNED MEATS and THE HEART OF THE ENEMY. Also, oyster foam? I will pass.

10:35: Rick remains not as funny as he thinks. Yet, if Waxman can’t win, I’ll settle for Rick.

10:36: Kelly’s giant neckpiece is obviously hiding the seam where they inserted the rebar that holds her enormous head up.

10:38: I take that last comment back (not the part about Kelly’s head). If I can’t have Waxman, I’ll take Susan.

10:41: Commercials. Who still buys Buicks?

Random interlude: Jonathan snuggling with Marcus.

10:42: Obligatory SATC2 commercial. Cynthia Nixon, I used to like you.

10:44: Hidden Valley Ranch: Kids will eat vegetables if you cover them in salty fat! Hooray for health.

10:47: CRITICS’ TABLE. Marcus should automatically lose half a star for those plaid pants, I don’t care if you are a chef.

Oh, Gail, you brought the puppies!

10:48: Marcus, you can’t talk back to the judges this week; unBalaban isn’t here to roll over.

10:50: Can you fault Susur for not knowing about Greek mythology? You can, if you’re Gael.

10:51: Should we not equally ding Marcus for his ridiculous interpretation of the God of War? I think we should, because I dislike Marcus.

10:52: Commercials. Apparently, they’ve cast Smoove B in the new season of regular Top Chef.

Does everyone else automatically think of Evil Dead when they show the Kmart commercial replacing the “K” with an “S”?  Or is that just me? It better not be.

10:55: Marcus (dammit) and Rick come out on top.

10:56: Rick finally takes one! He smiles, for a second or two.

10:58: Methinks Susan is going and this season is about to turn into a circle-jerk. But Jonathan’s still gotta step up his game.

Bye, Susan.

NEXT WEEK: Marcus loses is groove, and unBalaban is going on safari.