topchefmastersTonight: 6 of last season’s losers return to have their vengeance: Rick Moonen, Wylie Dufresne, Graham Eliott Bowles, Mark Peel, Jonathan Waxman and Ludo Lefebvre.

Thankfully, there’s not a Chiarello in sight.

Ludo “I can make a better taco than Rick Bayless” Lefebvre is back and likely just as delusional and jackassy as he was the first time around, and Bowles is out for some greasy Dufresne blood, so let’s hope for an exciting episode with some actual competition.

LAST WEEK: Carmen forget her stew. Marcus was kind of a dick. Monica was an automaton until she wasn’t, and then there was crying. Carmen and Marcus moved on.

10:01: Moonen is here to “cook his brains out.” You don’t have to change many letters there to get “coke his brains out.” I’m just saying.

Bowles wants to humiliate Wylie Dufresne, and I can get behind that goal.

10:02: Waxman is his own competition. Except for the actual competition.

10:04: QUICKFIRE: Sponsored by Stoli. Create a dish to pair with a Stoli cocktail. Why do we need to have so many kinds of vodka. Everyone knows the only real way to drink vodka is in a gimlet, and there’s no room for all those nancy flavors.

Did she just say one of the drinks is called a “ginger figgle”? Figgle. Heh.

And now, everyone must cook partially drunk. Who will set themselves on fire accidentally? I’m going with Dufresne, you know his hair would go up like dry kindling.

10:06: The judges are Gael Greene and…the housewives of Orange County. Who are familiar with cocktails, I’m sure.

Figgle. Heh.

10:09: Bowles: “The clock is constantly breathing down your shoulder.” Are you sure?

10:10: Whoa, Gael is wearing an ACTUAL clown hat this week. God only knows what Oseland will have on to complement her. I’m hoping for a boa, or a fur tie.

One of the housewives is about to lose her boobs. Also, none of them appear to be able to make facial expressions.

10:12: Ludo is more than a little pissed at being judged by the housewives. It may be the only time Ludo and I agree on anything.

Everyone got really high scores from the expert panel, even though it seemed like no one really liked anything.

10:16: Commercials. I think that thing about the woman marrying the Eiffel Tower is true, but it doesn’t make the commercial any less annoying.

10:18: Waxman, AKA my slightly dotty and disheveled uncle, got a perfect score. Well played, Waxman.

ELIMINATION: Create an upscale pub dish.

10:20: Waxman picks shepherd’s pie, and then everyone else natters about what they’ll end up with. Ludo wisely does not want Moonen, the fish guy, to get fish and chips. This is the second time I’ve agreed with Ludo now in under 10 minutes, and I’m frightened.

Brian, who just walked in: “I hate the French guy.”

10:22: Between the figgle and “toad in the hole,” I’m like a 10 year old tonight. Toad. Heh.

Cooking frenzy montage. Waxman seems a little less stoned this season, no? I mean, not much, but there’s something there.

10:25: Commercials. “This asthma medication may cause asthma-related death…it’s the right choice for me.” Whereas the right choice for me is usually the medicine that does not do THE EXACT OPPOSITE of what it’s supposed to.

10:28: Ludo, he got the fish and chips. Don’t make me say this thing that I hate to say: it is what it is. Get over it, cook your shit and move on. Brian: “He’s a big fat baby.”

Okay, I take it back: Waxman is totally stoned. How does he move so slowly yet accomplish so much? Ninja?

10:29: I would pay good money to see a Bowles-Ludo fist fight.

Ludo’s plate “looks like a piece of art”…a piece of art that someone smeared poop on.

10:30: Both Gael/Gails in one place, and no unBalaban? The world is crumbling around me.

Why is Gail hiding her rack from us this week? Sad.

10:32: They just came SO CLOSE to showing Kelly Choi eating food, she had a fork, her mouth was open, and…cut away. DAMN YOU BRAVO EDITING MONKEYS.

You know what I never want to eat? “Kidney vinaigrette.”

10:35: Sucks that Mark Peel had oven trouble, because in theory I would eat the crap out of his dish.

OH SHIT! SHE ATE! Granted, they cut away before a swallow, but still.

I totally want to hang out with Jonathan Waxman. Although he could use a needle of adrenaline to the heart.

10:36: Coming up: RICK MOONEN IS TALKING TO YOU. And possibly punching Ludo in the jaw, which we can only hope for.

10:37: Commercials. I don’t like living in a world where movies like “Letters to Juliet” get made. Also, I manage to live my life just fine without an iPhone. I just want that on the record.

10:40: Interlude. Maybe Waxman is on shrooms, unlike weed as previously thought. “Toads are not amphibious.” Thanks for that!

10:42: I totally believe that the Olive Garden has real trained chefs and not 18 year olds defrosting pre-made meals on a conveyor belt. I bet their training school is really strenuous.

10:43: Ludo did not get punched. Or stabbed. Or even biffed. Disappointment. But at least it’s not the lovefest these things usually are.

10:46: Kellly Choi is contributing nothing except her giant, square Giada DiLaurentiis smile, the unending smile, on a mouth that never eats. I don’t think she can be trusted.

10:48: Ludo: “These people (the diners) have no taste.” Correct. They are old Irish men.  They have no taste.

I would eat the holy hell out of Waxman’s dish. That bowl of Special K I had for dinner is not holding up.

10:51: Waxman takes the high score, after seemingly doing nothing at all. He IS like a wizard. “These are not the men you’re looking for.” Has anyone ever gotten a score that high before? 18.5 stars, none too shabby.

I miss unBalaban more that I thought I would.

10:53: I see, from the dead comments, that no one gives two shits, or one shit, or even half a shit about Top Chef Masters. Or maybe everyone is just staying away from Ludo.

America would like to hang out with Wylie Dufresne in a pub, because America as a whole is stupid. Brian: “I think he’s a greasy douchebag…don’t write that, what if he reads the blog, he’ll think I don’t like him. Oh wait, I don’t.”

10:55: Peel got ONE POINT from the diners – ouch. He’s out, as is Ludo.

10:57:  Bowles loses to Wylie by a point. He’s waiting for the next chance to see who the better chef is. We know, don’t we? It’s Wylie. He beat you.

10:58: Moonen takes it.

NEXT WEEK: A bunch more chefs I don’t recognize. I’m going to have to read up.

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