Ah-ha! Through assiduous watching of the preview on and use of the chef bios on same, I’ve managed to deduce which chefs are going to be on tonight. Meaning: I will actually know their names, so tonight’s liveblog might actually make a lick of sense.

Tonight we’ve got Thierry Rautureau, Carmen Gonzalez, Marcus Samuelsson, Monica Pope and David Burke. They all looked very jovial in the preview, so let’s hope that someone brings some bitchface and a little interest to this episode.

PREVIOUSLY: A bunch of chefs whose names I couldn’t remember for the life of my cooked dinner for a bunch couples on uncomfortable first dates.

10:01: Tonight, 5 chefs competing for 2 spots. And Gail Simmons! And her fantastic rack.

10:02: Thierry’s nickname is actually “Chef in the Hat”? He’s nicknamed after his affectation? He’s like the boy with the biscuit tin, and I will pay you $100 if you know that reference. Okay, no I won’t, but I’ll be impressed.

10:04: QUICKFIRE: Create an extraordinary grilled cheese sandwich. For Kelly Choi, which means she actually has to eat something. Maybe she’ll just inhale, or she’s got a spittin’ bucket behind the counter.

10:05: David Burke just said “Proscuit” instead of “proscuitto,” so I am instantly forced to dislike him.

10:06: The part where we hear about the charities. I’m a bad person and can never force myself to care.

10:08: Okay, SHE IS ACTUALLY EATING. That means she won’t be for the next 10 days.

So what, did the guest judge crap out at the last minute? Because Choi’s kinda boring, and has nothing remotely bad to say about anyone.

Brian: “Is that Kelly Choi? I didn’t recognize her without any giant crap on her head.”

10:09: Winner: Monica, and her Moroccan-inspired sandwich.

It looks like Marcus might bring a little of the bitchface. Fingers crossed.

10:11: Commercials. Transcend decks defy time itself, did you know? So barbecue safely in the knowledge that you’ve created a structure that will never deteriorate, even after humans are gone and nature retakes the rest of the planet. You will live on through your patio.

10:13: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Cater a celebrity birthday party for ER’s Dr. Pratt. Apparently he’s on some other show, as well, but I don’t know his name on that one, so Dr. Pratt he remains. He challenges the chefs to cater a soul food party.

10:16: Marcus could cut a bitch with his profile. Yikes.

Thierry: “Wow, I didn’t realize there was such a huge trunk in this Lexus.” Lexus, you’re welcome.

10:17: Carmen had me at “bacon” and “sausage.” But then Monica had me at “shrimp and grits.” I am torn.

10:19: Monica: “I feel like I’m in competition with him (Marcus).” Yes, you are. ACTUAL COMPETITION. Did you not already know?

Carmen’s forgotten the stew. The other chefs pitch in to help her out, because, apparently, people don’t realize they’re in a competition. Except for Marcus. He knows. Bring it, Marcus.

10:22: Yep, Marcus knows.

Carmen is stuck in traffic, and her special helpers burn her yucca. Quick: What should the phrase “burn the yucca” mean? It should mean something. Other that the obvious, I mean.

10:25: Commercials: I refuse to recognize “Bravo-lebrity” as a word.

10:27: Carmen is pulling it out and serving her stew, yucca be damned. Good for her.

10:28: Monica Pope has a single facial expression, and I’d be hard pressed to call it an “expression.” For an expression, I expect facial muscles to actually engage in some way.

No Gael Greene? Are Gails/Gaels like the highlander? Can there be only one?

10:30: Gail’s rack is in full effect in that dress. Day-um.

Thierry: “The poor girl, she cuts her finger, she forgot her stew, but it worked out in the end.” Yeah, for everyone else. The judges do love her stew/gumbo, though.

10:32: UnBalaban does miss a starch. Who doesn’t?

David Burke has hushpuppies, but I can’t get past the “proscuit.” He’s dead to me.

10:34: Did unBalaban just use the word “porklicious”? I think he’s lost without Gael, who would doubtless be resplendant in a purple hat.

Marcus feels very good about his dish. You know who didn’t? The judges. Take that, Marcus. That’s what happens when you don’t “help” with the yucca.

Where did Bravo get the mustachioed bouncer twins? A nice touch.

10:38: Random thought: Are they driving around in the Lexuses that just got dinged for rolling over? Because that would certainly add an element of drama to the season.

10:39: Pointless interlude, in which we learn: Thierry is kind of an idiot. I mean, when your schtick is a hat, you’ve got problems.

10:43: JUDGE’S TABLE. Carmen is pocket-sized.

unBalaban referred to David’s pickled watermelon as “killer.” Maybe that’s what’s in Gael’s hats: his vocabulary.

Oh, Monica made an expression! Unfortunately, it was when she learned that her shrimp were undercooked. As unBalaban might say: bummer.

10:45: When I think of ways to cool off my palate, I definitely think of eating raw onions.

Carmen explains her mishaps. UnBalaban: “Crap!”

10:48: Apparently this was a difficult challenge because not everyone has childhood memories of soul food. I don’t either and yet I know what it is. Maybe that’s because I’m a trained chef…oh, wait.

The chefs are at their stew table, laughing it up. Next, they’ll build a bonfire and sit around it singing spirituals before they make lanyards for each other and promise to KIT.

The judges are actually partially critical of some of the chefs, which is a refreshing change.

10:51: Dang, Carmen pulls some shit out with her scores. Good job, tiny person! She moves on. Marcus does not look happy, but I don’t suppose he ever does.

10:55: The man in the hat gets slammed. So does Burke. 2 stars? Owie.

10:56: Monica pulls ahead of Thierry, who gets the boot. He hopes to come back next year. We can only hope for more of his wacky French hijinx!

It’s down to Monica v. Marcus, which you know he’s loving and he could not look any cockier. Unfortunately, he then wins, cementing his attitude.

10:58: Monica is managing to cry without making a facial expression. That is a skill right there. Marcus is a giant ass, also a skill. Or maybe an inherited gift.

The moral: Get people to help you, or keep your shit to yourself. Also, make mac n’ cheese and/or use bacon, but we knew that already.

NEXT WEEK: Greasy Dufresne and coked out Rick Moonen. Good times.