Tonight: And then there were four. The V Brothers, Shiv and Yukon Cornelius. (Who is just about to come on-screen in “Rudolph.” Synergy!)
If Kevin doesn’t make it to the finale, I’ll still liveblog it but I WILL NOT enjoy it.
LAST WEEK: It was two weeks ago, and I’ve forgotten. I do know that Eli got the boot, which brings its own kind of satisfaction, and that Kevin won, which brings a special glow.
10:01: Shiv is really starting to make me nervous; even when she’s just talking or interviewing, she looks like she’s on the verge of a breakdown.
10:03: Kevin, I love you. You know that I do. But please know that you are severely balding, and that hairdo makes me oh so sad for you.
Padma is cute with the baby bump, notably less so with the bangs.
10:04: CHIARELLOOOOO! <shaking fist>
Quickfire: Cooking with grapes…on a train. It sounds like something I should be making up, but I’m not. Winner gets: a Toyota. Which hooray and all, it’s a new car but also a Toyota. Let’s not act like we’re winning a Beemer here.
10:06: I think I’m going to end every sentence tonight with “…on a train.” Like that “…in bed” thing with the Chinese fortune cookies, but, you know…on a train.
I can’t figure out what anyone is actually DOING with the grapes…on a train.
10:07: Brother Bryan is using concord grapes, which are like eating little juice globules, but he seems to be sullying them with brussels sprouts…on a train.
10:08: Between the Brussels sprouts and Shiv’s liver, Brian is putty in their hands.
Bryan gets dinged for using the Concords, which aren’t native to Napa (where they are, on a train), while Chiarello openly admits that he will be stealing Shiv’s dish for his own restaurant. She willingly offers it, because she has not yet learned not to trust Michael Chiarello…on a train.
Or off one, really.
10:10: Like the Highlander, “there can only be one” Prius owner. Winner: Michael. Awesome! That won’t go to his head at all…on a train.
Okay, I’ll stop now. Maybe.
10:12: Commercials. You know, I still haven’t seen “Julie and Julia,” and I’m still not sure if I want to. Liked the blog, hated the book. Love Streep, hate Adams. But also love Tucci, so that might put it over the top.
10:15: That product placement of Waffle Fries was unexpectedly in our faces.
Shiv: “Second place is still a loser.” This is why she’s always on the edge of climbing the clock tower.
10:17: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Catering for 150, 2 dishes, all local ingredients, and I still cannot deal with Kevin’s hair at all.
Also, I freely admit that I’m a little sad that they’re no longer on a train.
10:18: They’re at the farmer’s market, and I want to roll around in all that beautiful looking produce.
Ooh, does someone have Zucchini flowers?
10:19: Dang, Napa is pretty, train or no train.
10:20: Brother Michael is apparently planning to torture the holy hell out of some foie. It’s FOIE, for god’s sake. The torture, she is unnecessary.
He also apparently will be torturing Bryan, for whom is unable to spare any happiness or pride and is already planning how he will be hurting his feelings.
10:22: Kevin is making brisket. Because he knows I love him. But I’m not sure he has time; short ribs in 5 hours I can see, but brisket is tougher.
10:24: Can the elimination challenge just be the brothers physically beating the crap out of each other? The verbal sparring in their interviews has ceased to be amusing. At least, Michael’s being an asswipe in his interviews has ceased to be amusing.
I think Bryan is pulling up behind Kevin as my favorite. I like Shiv and would love a female Top Chef, but she makes ME nervous, and I’m a nervous enough person as it is.
10:26: Commercials. Person who came up with the Brad Garrett/7-Up ad campaign, I assume you have since been fired, yes?
10:27: Shiv: “Right now I’m a little stressed out because I want to be in the final round very very much.” Also because I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Michael’s eggs and terrine have been executed perfectly, according to Michael…on a train.
Sorry, I just had to get one more in there.
10:29: Whoa, Padma! Didn’t one of the hookers wear that dress in “Pretty Woman”? You’re pregnant but sexy, I get it.
10:30: Michael is all trying to be charming. Meanwhile, Gail’s boobs were trying to make a getaway in that top.
My Brian, as Michael was describing his soup: “It’s sweet and sour peasant soup!”
The judges don’t seem bowled over, which makes me happy because I am spiteful.
10:32: Okay, I doubted the 5-hour brisket but DANG it looks good.
If only it tasted as good as it looked. But his dishes are gorgeous, and get some good recognition. That’s my boy!
10:33: Shiv, you had me at “brown butter-foie gras vinaigrette.”
10:35: Tom, on Shiv’s duck: “It’s very ducky.” Chiarello elucidates that Napa ducks, are, in fact, very ducky. Thank you, food experts!
On a train.
10:37: I have no desire to see that new Sarah Jessica Parker/Hugh Grant movie, and neither do you. But admit it, that commercial with the Bear: “My wife is a member of PETA…I have been meaning to join.” is funny.
10:39: Pointless Interlude: Visit to a wine cave with Tony Terlato. Jen claims she has a high tolerance while turning all red and giggly. Your complexion gives you away, Shiv. You got your buzz on good.
10:41: Pointless Observation: I wish someone would make an Andy Cohen doll that I could jab with pins, or set on fire to see how the plastics will react. Because I? Hate Andy Cohen.
10:44: JUDGE’S TABLE: I’m worried for Bryan, and not so secretly hoping for a Michael shocker that I know won’t happen.
Kevin’s simplicity and restrain are praised, although his ropey brisket is less beloved. I like Chiarello a little more for praising Kevin so highly.
Okay, not really.
10:46: Tom just gave Michael such a look of love, I’m actually a little uncomfortable.
Gail, please, the boobs.
Michael is really big on this whole “hey, I made one food look like a different kind of food.” You know who else tried that? Weed, with the leek “scallops,” and we all know how that ended.
10:47: We get it, the duck was ducky. It was intensely ducky. It was a ducktasm. It was ducktacular. It was the apex of duckiness.
10:49: Gail is really harping on the bitterness of Michael’s soup. Yes! It was painfully bitter! How can you keep someone who made such a bitter soup? Impossible!
Chiarello, don’t make me almost like you by sticking up for Bryan’s two dishes.
10:51: Kevin’s claim that his brisket was “toothsome” is a ruse through which the judges quickly see. Kinda like when I call my misshapen pies “rustic.” Let us live in our delusions, judges.
10:53: Commercial: Gladware. Brian always tries to match the falsetto voice. Tonight’s success rate: 90%, higher than usual. At the very least, he didn’t inexplicably insert “Hot Dog!”
10:55: WINNER: Bryan! I totally called it, just now. Trust me. SUCK IT, BRYAN’S ASSWIPE BROTHER.
10:56: There is no way I will be happy with this episode because Colicchio is ready to get down on his knees for Michael, who’s the only one I really want to see go.
10:57: Out of the Finale: Shiv. And she makes the cutest little sad face, and it breaks my heart a little.
So it’s Yukon Cornelius vs. the Brothers Grim for the finale.
10:58: I’m sad she’s leaving, but maybe now she’ll have the space to take a few klonopin and unclench her jaw.
NEXT WEEK: OVERWHELMING PRESSURE. Angry judges. Fish heads. And someone becomes Top Chef.