Tonight: And then there were four. The V Brothers, Shiv and Yukon Cornelius. (Who is just about to come on-screen in “Rudolph.” Synergy!)
If Kevin doesn’t make it to the finale, I’ll still liveblog it but I WILL NOT enjoy it.
LAST WEEK: It was two weeks ago, and I’ve forgotten. I do know that Eli got the boot, which brings its own kind of satisfaction, and that Kevin won, which brings a special glow.
10:01: Shiv is really starting to make me nervous; even when she’s just talking or interviewing, she looks like she’s on the verge of a breakdown.
10:03: Kevin, I love you. You know that I do. But please know that you are severely balding, and that hairdo makes me oh so sad for you.
Padma is cute with the baby bump, notably less so with the bangs.
10:04: CHIARELLOOOOO! <shaking fist>
Quickfire: Cooking with grapes…on a train. It sounds like something I should be making up, but I’m not. Winner gets: a Toyota. Which hooray and all, it’s a new car but also a Toyota. Let’s not act like we’re winning a Beemer here.
10:06: I think I’m going to end every sentence tonight with “…on a train.” Like that “…in bed” thing with the Chinese fortune cookies, but, you know…on a train.
I can’t figure out what anyone is actually DOING with the grapes…on a train.
10:07: Brother Bryan is using concord grapes, which are like eating little juice globules, but he seems to be sullying them with brussels sprouts…on a train.
10:08: Between the Brussels sprouts and Shiv’s liver, Brian is putty in their hands.
Bryan gets dinged for using the Concords, which aren’t native to Napa (where they are, on a train), while Chiarello openly admits that he will be stealing Shiv’s dish for his own restaurant. She willingly offers it, because she has not yet learned not to trust Michael Chiarello…on a train.
Or off one, really.
10:10: Like the Highlander, “there can only be one” Prius owner. Winner: Michael. Awesome! That won’t go to his head at all…on a train.
Okay, I’ll stop now. Maybe.
10:12: Commercials. You know, I still haven’t seen “Julie and Julia,” and I’m still not sure if I want to. Liked the blog, hated the book. Love Streep, hate Adams. But also love Tucci, so that might put it over the top.
10:15: That product placement of Waffle Fries was unexpectedly in our faces.
Shiv: “Second place is still a loser.” This is why she’s always on the edge of climbing the clock tower.
10:17: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Catering for 150, 2 dishes, all local ingredients, and I still cannot deal with Kevin’s hair at all.
Also, I freely admit that I’m a little sad that they’re no longer on a train.
10:18: They’re at the farmer’s market, and I want to roll around in all that beautiful looking produce.
Ooh, does someone have Zucchini flowers?
10:19: Dang, Napa is pretty, train or no train.
10:20: Brother Michael is apparently planning to torture the holy hell out of some foie. It’s FOIE, for god’s sake. The torture, she is unnecessary.
He also apparently will be torturing Bryan, for whom is unable to spare any happiness or pride and is already planning how he will be hurting his feelings.
10:22: Kevin is making brisket. Because he knows I love him. But I’m not sure he has time; short ribs in 5 hours I can see, but brisket is tougher.
10:24: Can the elimination challenge just be the brothers physically beating the crap out of each other? The verbal sparring in their interviews has ceased to be amusing. At least, Michael’s being an asswipe in his interviews has ceased to be amusing.
I think Bryan is pulling up behind Kevin as my favorite. I like Shiv and would love a female Top Chef, but she makes ME nervous, and I’m a nervous enough person as it is.
10:26: Commercials. Person who came up with the Brad Garrett/7-Up ad campaign, I assume you have since been fired, yes?
10:27: Shiv: “Right now I’m a little stressed out because I want to be in the final round very very much.” Also because I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Michael’s eggs and terrine have been executed perfectly, according to Michael…on a train.
Sorry, I just had to get one more in there.
10:29: Whoa, Padma! Didn’t one of the hookers wear that dress in “Pretty Woman”? You’re pregnant but sexy, I get it.
10:30: Michael is all trying to be charming. Meanwhile, Gail’s boobs were trying to make a getaway in that top.
My Brian, as Michael was describing his soup: “It’s sweet and sour peasant soup!”
The judges don’t seem bowled over, which makes me happy because I am spiteful.
10:32: Okay, I doubted the 5-hour brisket but DANG it looks good.
If only it tasted as good as it looked. But his dishes are gorgeous, and get some good recognition. That’s my boy!
10:33: Shiv, you had me at “brown butter-foie gras vinaigrette.”
10:35: Tom, on Shiv’s duck: “It’s very ducky.” Chiarello elucidates that Napa ducks, are, in fact, very ducky. Thank you, food experts!
On a train.
10:37: I have no desire to see that new Sarah Jessica Parker/Hugh Grant movie, and neither do you. But admit it, that commercial with the Bear: “My wife is a member of PETA…I have been meaning to join.” is funny.
10:39: Pointless Interlude: Visit to a wine cave with Tony Terlato. Jen claims she has a high tolerance while turning all red and giggly. Your complexion gives you away, Shiv. You got your buzz on good.
10:41: Pointless Observation: I wish someone would make an Andy Cohen doll that I could jab with pins, or set on fire to see how the plastics will react. Because I? Hate Andy Cohen.
10:44: JUDGE’S TABLE: I’m worried for Bryan, and not so secretly hoping for a Michael shocker that I know won’t happen.
Kevin’s simplicity and restrain are praised, although his ropey brisket is less beloved. I like Chiarello a little more for praising Kevin so highly.
Okay, not really.
10:46: Tom just gave Michael such a look of love, I’m actually a little uncomfortable.
Gail, please, the boobs.
Michael is really big on this whole “hey, I made one food look like a different kind of food.” You know who else tried that? Weed, with the leek “scallops,” and we all know how that ended.
10:47: We get it, the duck was ducky. It was intensely ducky. It was a ducktasm. It was ducktacular. It was the apex of duckiness.
10:49: Gail is really harping on the bitterness of Michael’s soup. Yes! It was painfully bitter! How can you keep someone who made such a bitter soup? Impossible!
Chiarello, don’t make me almost like you by sticking up for Bryan’s two dishes.
10:51: Kevin’s claim that his brisket was “toothsome” is a ruse through which the judges quickly see. Kinda like when I call my misshapen pies “rustic.” Let us live in our delusions, judges.
10:53: Commercial: Gladware. Brian always tries to match the falsetto voice. Tonight’s success rate: 90%, higher than usual. At the very least, he didn’t inexplicably insert “Hot Dog!”
10:55: WINNER: Bryan! I totally called it, just now. Trust me. SUCK IT, BRYAN’S ASSWIPE BROTHER.
10:56: There is no way I will be happy with this episode because Colicchio is ready to get down on his knees for Michael, who’s the only one I really want to see go.
10:57: Out of the Finale: Shiv. And she makes the cutest little sad face, and it breaks my heart a little.
So it’s Yukon Cornelius vs. the Brothers Grim for the finale.
10:58: I’m sad she’s leaving, but maybe now she’ll have the space to take a few klonopin and unclench her jaw.
NEXT WEEK: OVERWHELMING PRESSURE. Angry judges. Fish heads. And someone becomes Top Chef.
Thursday Night Smackdown 
Ugh, Doucharello.
Hate Padma’s bangs.
Oh, and the food on that train? Not so great the time I was on it. Pretty shitteh in fact.
Doucharello indeed.
Also, J&J is worth it for Streep and Tucci.
wait, michael, chiarello and a prius in one episode? we have to be careful of a douchexplosion.
LOL at douchexplosion. So true.
Brisket might very well be my favorite food of all time.
Yikes, Padma looks a little dominatrix-y. Plus also, Michael: reminding your guests that they are eating for free is a little snotty, if you ask me.
Jennifer just said she doesn’t really need alcohol right now. I beg to differ.
I don’t think it would take too much wine to get Shiv to dance on a table.
Jen, at the commercial break- “I don’t really need alcohol right now”.
No, you really, really need alcohol. Right. Now.
Just watching her makes me grind my teeth with anxiety.
God knows Jen can give some smart-assy looks.
Please lord…do not send Kevin home over too tough Brisket!
Kevin’s chin pubes on that water bottle just grossed me out.
No idea who’s going home, but I pray it’s Michael
Damn. Damn, damn, damn.
I think it should have been Michael as well. His egg issue to me was much worse than Jennifer not grilling. Especially when everyone loved what she did with the duck. I am just glad that Kevin isn’t going home.
Okay, I held off, but I have to say that salty goat cheese is a far more forgivable crime than serving raw egg to a pregnant woman. Shiv was robbed.
And while I’m venting, Padma’s Austin Powers outfit with her crazy, uneven bangs are horrific.
Lastly, let us not forget that the Rudolf symmetry is completed by the fact that Bryan’s son is named Dasher.
Okay, I’m done.
Okay, Top Chef is BS!!!! I figured they jumped the shark when they picked Hosea last season, but eliminating Jennifer after they went on and on about her duck confit? Whatevah. I guess the sibling rivalry factor makes for better ratings (and serving raw egg white gets you in the top three) <–can you tell I'm pissed?
Okay Top Chef is BS!! I figured they jumped the shark when they picked Hosea last season, but eliminating Jennifer after they went on and on about her duck confit? Whatev. I guess sibling rivalry gets better ratings, and serving raw egg white to a PREGNANT woman gets you in the top three…
Ha!
“Tom, on Shiv’s duck: “It’s very ducky.” Chiarello elucidates that Napa ducks, are, in fact, very ducky. Thank you, food experts!”
Thanks as always for the great wrap up!
Blurg! I totally wanted Michael to go home. Obviously. Because he’s a DB. And even though I think they should just hand the Top Chef title to Kevin, I was glad that Bryan won tonight. He was really excited, even though you couldn’t tell with his “I never smile” face…on a train.
doesn’t the car winner mess up in the final finale? (Blais and Carla, anyway. I forget if there was another car winner). If so then we know what that means for Michael…of course now I probabily jinxed it. If he wins please don’t come after me with pitchforks.
That’s a Survivor thing – the winner of the car never wins. Though I would be happy this year if it happened with Top Chef.
They had me really worried about Bryan, who was rocking the v-neck tee in the talking heads! Still he has the dorkiest laugh ever. I would be happy with either him or Kevin winning. May Michael pull a Casey or a Blaize or a Stefan and just screw up at the very end.
So I just discovered this fantastic site tonight during my search for new Top Chef commentary. I have a theory that Jen’s elimination was a hit job. The judges loved the duck and all of its “duckiness,” and Michael screwed the pooch with the egg. So why did Jen go home?
Because Colicchio is good friends with Eric Ripert. If Jen won, she becomes a real threat to winning it all. If she becomes Top Chef, she leaves Ripert’s 10 Arts to do her own thing, and Ripert needs a replacement. So he tells Tom to do him a favor and get Jen eliminated at this point, since she still made it far enough along to help boost his business, but as long as she doesn’t make the top three, she won’t be able to go off on her own.
Any takers on this?
P.S. Love the site and all the nicknames.
I always love a good food conspiracy. Yes Jen should have stayed and Mike-wipe should have been escorted to his new fairy car and shown the way out.
The brother rivalry is what kept him there, the ratings… dammit!
Julie & Julia — Streep and Tucci are amazing, and Julia’s side of the story made me entirely forget about Julie…and I ended up buying Julia Child’s autobiography upon which the Julia portion of the movie is based. Julie’s story, blah. Like you, I liked the blog but didn’t care for the book.
I wouldn’t own Julie & Julia, but I’m glad I saw it.
Top Chef — I’m SO glad Robot Boyfriend now has more EC wins than Little Brother, and I’m glad Firebeard’s in the finale. I’d be happy with either Bryan or Kevin winning.
ahhhhhh…..my love for you continues unabated…..and as always, I agree thoroughly…..
@adam – you may have hit the nail on the head (is that the right phrase?) I had to go to sleep having consumed half a bottle of wine by 10pm and after going through the quickfire realized I might start shouting at the TV and I’m not ready to scare off my new roomates just yet… so I came here to see what happened. I sure hope that Shiv doesn’t have a nervous breakdown b/c of this b/c her food has rocked! oh well, beardie for the win!
“I’m sick of these motherfuckin’ grapes on my motherfuckin’ train.”
Sorry, just had to do that……..
It’s now a battle of real cooking vs. complicated for the sake of being complicated. I’m sure Blais will be back for the finale so that he might win for a second time. (ya know, not HIS season, but there’s no way Hosea could have pulled that shit off.)