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topchef2I didn’t bother to watch last week’s “No, we haven’t selected these past contestants for their ‘high volatility when mixed’-factor” reunion show; its only saving grace was the lack of Andy Cohen (at least I hope, for the sake of those of you who did watch).

We’re back this week, and it’s the British invasion of judges Toby Young and Nigella.

LAST WEEK: Ultimate dickweed Mike finally got the knife. Natalie Portman is a vegetarian. Robin lives to talk another day. And talk. And talk. And talk.

10:02: Bryan misses his young son and they’re shown talking on the phone, so he’s either winning or going home. Shiv really looks like she’s going to lose her shit.

10:03: QUICKFIRE CHALLENGE: Room services, with the challenge delivered by Padma, in a robe, in bed…with Nigella.

Not Jonah Hill may just have had an accident in his pants, and I’m not going to tell you what kind. He decides to make a modified Reuben. Because when I think of what I want when I’m snuggling in bed at a luxury hotel, it’s a big ole Reuben.

10:06: Mike V. inherits Robin’s messy station. He spends 5 minutes of his 30 cleaning so he only had “like, 20 minutes to cook.” Not to do math, because he clearly would need a little more time for that.

10:07: Kevin is making steak and eggs, because it’s a hearty breakfast and he likes it. And I like him. Not liking so much: Robin, who barges into the kitchen while others are cooking and gets mad when they want her out of their space.

Ungrateful bastards.

10:08: Nigella: “Is this beef, here?” with an unimaginably impish grin on her face.

Brian would like for me not to tell you that he would let Kevin serve him breakfast in bed. I cannot disagree. I mean that I would let Kevin make me breakfast in bed, not that I should hide that fact about Brian. We have no shame.

10:09: Shiv is making Shit on a Shingle and that? IS AWESOME. DON’T FUCK IT UP.

Nigella will just shove anything into her mouth in large, large bites, won’t she?

10:11: Padma’s bed hair and purposefully low-pitched voice is getting to me, although I kind of wish they were judging them from the bed. “You are so unworthy that we will not rise from our repose, even to judge you.”

Bottom two: Robin and Bryan.

Top two: Beardie and NJH

10:12: WINNER: NJH. Because the British like greasy meats for breakfast.

10:13: ELIMINATION: Inspiration from the Vegas strip, everyone gets a different hotel. Catering for 175 people. Don’t take your inspiration from the dried-out carving station and powdered scrambled eggs at the Flamingo, that’s my advice.

10:15: HOLY SHIT A WIZARD. And, commercial.

10:17: Commercials. No, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus. The Easter Bunny killed him in a bar brawl over who got to take the Tooth Fairy home.

10:18: Michael’s got the New York New York hotel, and is inspired by an enormous American flag to cook for firefighters. Shiv has the Excalibur, which looks not unlike the Medieval Times in East Rutherford, New Jersey.

10:20: Bryan has Mandalay Bay, which appears to be made entirely of gold. But wait, it’s not a Trump property, is it? I thought he had the lock on that. While he’s there he picks up a stuffed shark which he may or may not be bringing home to his son tonight.

Robin’s at the Bellagio and says a lot of stuff about the (admittedly) beautiful Chihuly art that I don’t listen to.

10:21: Kevin’s at the Mirage and gets to pet a dolphin, because he is the cutest chef ever. NJH has Circus Circus, which has to be the most likely to have a nasty-ass buffet.

10:23: Michael and Eli are fighting about Circus Circus, about which Eli is upset because there was no actual circus. Were the midway games insufficiently inspirational? Kevin: “When he describes it, it’s like listening to him describe a sad velvet painting.” BWAH.

Maybe NJH should call his mom for advice. Or maybe it’s really all her fault, because she didn’t take him to the circus enough as a child and he has no frame of reference.

10:26: They really squeezed ’em into the bedrooms like sardines, didn’t they?

10:27: Okay, I love Kevin. We all know how much. Why must he make compressed vegetables? Why did anyone decide we had to compress produce in the first place?

Robin is making panna cotta (1) which has never, ever worked on this show before and (2) which she hasn’t really made before, which has never worked for her. I’m going to hold my breath and see how this works out.

10:30: You know, now that we’re down to 6, I’m able to tell the brothers apart about 85% of the time. Mike really IS way douchier.

Did NJH just say that keeping Robin around has been an issue of “the lesser of two equals”? Which, what the hell? Really? Sadly, he did not disappear into a puff of illogic.

10:32: Shiv has Excalibur and took her inspiration from The Sword and the Stone. A fine idea. I once made an excellent barrel of ale inspired by Disney’s Robin Hood.

10:34: Sentence only a foodie would say: “The tomato water is just stunning.”

Nigella just sucked down that chicken wing like…I don’t know what. But that shit was gone in a flash.

Robin’s panna cotta is, wait for it, too firm. Isn’t this the show where a pastry chef once fucked up panna cotta?

10:37: Nigella, on NJH’s dish: “I’m going to wait for someone else to go in.”

10:40: Now that Kelly Ripa has her Electrolux Washer and Steam Dryer, she can do an even better job at pretending to actually do her own chores, thus shaming all other women who cannot be the supermom she pretends to be!

10:42: Pointless Interlude: Champagne for everyone! Everyone momentarily stops hating Robin, at least outwardly, so they can focus on self-congratulations at being close to, but not actually, winning a competition.

Back to commercials. Bravo, if you succeed in making “glambition” a word, I will never watch you again.

This movie about the renegade radio station on a boat makes me want to end all my sentences with…”on a BOAT.”  “Do you need me to empty the dishwasher on a BOAT.” “I can’t find my other sock on a BOAT.”

10:45: Top Three: Beardie and both brothers. Shiv looks ready to send herself home, which she just might if she can’t pull it together in front of the judges.

The compressed vegetables get love. Toby Young calls Michael’s food “effeminate,” and I’m not sure what that means.

10:46: WINNER: Michael, for his chicken wings. I told you Nigella sucked that shit down.

NJH, Shiv and Robin are up for the knifing.

10:48: Granted, Shiv’s dish was not great, but can you really ping her for “inadequate knowledge of medieval cookery”?

10:50: Nigella, you’re adorable, but your tortured panna cotta/17th century courtesan inner thigh analogy is more than I can take.

The bottom line: the three of them sucked it hard.

10:52: Nigella found Shiv’s dish “almost hostile” and would rather “eat sawdust” than NJH’s dish. When she turns on you? She turns on you. But she does it behind your back, like a good Brit.

10:54: Commercials. Why don’t we have nice dinners out at the Red Lobster more often?

Who will win fan favorite from this Top Chef season? I bet Preeti.

10:58: KNIFING: Robin.

Even though it was deserved and she was annoying, is there not a little part of you that wanted NJH to go before Robin? Admit it.

10:59: Everyone stops hating her now that they don’t have to live with her anymore.

NEXT WEEK: Thomas Keller! And Michael is a douche who slams on Kevin for no reason other than the fact that he’s competition.

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