Top Chef returns this week, and I’m psyched because: Guest Judge Tyler Florence! Do you have any idea how many hits I’m going to get tomorrow for some permutation of “Tyler Florence douchebag”? Off the hook, yo.
LAST WEEK: Robin didn’t suck, which drove everyone nuts. Beardie took the elimination challenge. Haitian Boat Guy got sent packing, meaning that my only remaining stumbling block is telling the brothers apart. Well, that and Weed’s continued presence.
10:01: Brother M holds his knife in quite a savage manner while eating breakfast. Shiv is feeling under the weather, so she’ll be packing the styrofoam shiv today so she doesn’t accidentally get herself in her stupor.
10:03: QUICKFIRE: Tyler Florence! Padma in some kind of heinous jumpsuit – did she skin Kermit? AND a branded Quickfire. It’s the trifecta! Everyone’s getting three terms that have to dictate their dish. “Stressed, Umami, Latin.” “Tart, Tired, Italian.” Thanks for the contrivance, Cookstr.com!
10:06: Apparently, umami = mushrooms to everyone in the room. You are PROFESSIONALS, people, Mix it up! Soy, tomatoes, anything..
10:07: Tyler Florence is not very good at using his words. Which is especially sad, because he doesn’t have very many of them to begin with.
10:09: Shiv is concerned that they had no reaction to her dish. Dude, Tyler didn’t say more than two words about anyone’s dish. But she’s right! Bet she’s sorry she brought the foam shiv today. I’m sorry too, once I hear that Weed is in the top three. Top 3: Beardie, Weed and Brother Mike.
10:10: Winner: Beardie! He gets the choice: immunity or cash. He takes the cash, because let’s face it, Robin needs to go.
Hairbrush’s hair is really, REALLY starting to skeeve. Whatever that product is that you use to get that “tousled look”: PLEASE STOP.
10:13: I, for one, cannot wait to own The Proposal on DVD so I can see the hilarious alternate ending. Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds in a rom-com with an unlikely and convoluted plot? How soon can I buy it?
10:15: The chefs thought they were getting a home cooked meal: FAIL! I’m sure it’s a letdown for them, but it’s endlessly humorous for me.
ELIMINATION: An at-home dinner party for the Macy’s culinary council, a bunch of well-respected chefs…and Tyler Florence.
Tyler Florence = the poor man’s Rocco DiSpirito. And that’s the most cutting insult I know.
10:18: Should I just expect that everything that happens the rest of this season will be branded? Top Chef, hosted by the Diet Coke Tom Colicchio and the Campbell’s Soup Padma Lakshmi.
Weed is stuck with Robin as a partner. He is livid AND angry. Uh-oh!
At least he’s using his words.
10:20: They’re in teams of two, are assigned a bag from one of the Macy’s chefs and have to deal with that.
10:21: “She [Robin] knows I’m a better cook than her, so she’s going to listen to what I say. Because it’s my way or the highway.”
If I could reach through the television and garrotte him, I would do it.
10:23: It’s really, really hard for me to come up with anything other than the fires of Hades that still do not burn as hot as my hatred for The Dickweed. His condescension is throwing the Earth off it’s axis, so large and powerful is it.
10:25: Brian: “We should give the teams nicknames, like ‘Jennivin’. . . that’s the only one I got.”
10:27: Tom Colicchio: Not As Good As Tim Gunn. Though his reaction to Hairbrush and Not Jonah Hill’s prawns over gnocchi – non-plussed – would have been mine as well. Tim would have told them to at least “Work, work, work!” though.
10:30: NJH is scared to grill the prawns, so he sticks with overcooking the hell out of some gnocchi instead.
Team SuperSizeBrother loses power in their woks. Not a euphemism. Weed continues being a monumental shitneck.
10:31: Tyler Florence: Douchebag AND Shill for Macy’s. I don’t know if he’s taken, ladies, so hold back.
10:32: I never thought I would say this, because I fucking LOVE New Jersey: On OCCASSION, for BRIEF, FLEETING MOMENTS, he makes me ashamed to be from New Jersey. And that is the thing that is most unforgivable.
10:35: Hey, Toby Young is back! And he can’t pronounce choriTzo. One of those letters doesn’t belong.
Hairbrush’s seasoning has disrespected the prawns.
Errant shots of chefs in the kitchen, fondling Gladware. Those were the Official Gladware 48 Frames of Episode Seven.
10:38: Commercials: Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn united again! You’re so money . . . and then you made Couples Retreat. Sorry.
10:41: Pointless interlude of Robin talking, a lot, and Weed being an insufferable asshole about it. Just smile and nod like everyone else, you enormous orange jackwipe.
That’s not even a word, and I know it. But I’m running out of insulting ways to describe him.
10:43: Commercials: I hope that one day, if I ever get to go to culinary school, it’s to Olive Garden’s institute in Tuscany. They have so many Italian dishes I’ve never heard of! It must be an amazingly avant garde place.
10:45: JUDGE’S TABLE: First to be called in are Mousy, Shiv, Beardie and Brother Brian.
Shiv and Beardie are so the Power Team.
10:46: Mousy and Brother did a good job of “editing” Tyler Florence’s bag of food down. Subtext: “Tyler, your bag was a mess.”
WINNERS: Shiv and Beardie. Ultimate winner is Shiv, who get’s a $10K gift card from Sur La Table. Kidding! It’s from Macy’s.
10:48: Bottom four: Brother Michael, Hairbrush, NJH and SuperSizeMe. In the Stew Room, Brother Brian is totally sticking up for his bro in a very cute, playground-y way.
10:49: Having no electricity is no excuse for failure. You should have found a balloon and rubbed it against your hair until you generated enough static electricity to power those woks back up.
SuperSizeMe pretty much says, “Michael is totally better than me,” then takes it back when called on it. Medic! Bullet in the foot!
10:52: Prawn disrespect.
Make up your mind, judges: is gnocchi heavy, or is it so wispy that it will fall apart under the weight of a prawn?
10:54: Commercials. I don’t know if you noticed this, but Glad is one of the sponsors of the show. Also, how come they never show the part of the commercial where the woman freaks out and sues the moving company for destroying her piano? I always wait for that part.
Further: Velveeta and Ro-Tel should NEVER be used to make anything other than a dip to consume while drinking. They should NEVER be part of an actual meal. If they are, you’re not really preparing a meal.
10:57: ELIMINATION: Hairbrush and Michael are the main culprits, and it’s…Hairbrush.
Maybe now she’ll finally find a spare second to wash her goddamn hair. Even just take your tears and run them through it. Anything. Really.
NEXT WEEK: A big event. Fancy guest judges. Everyone still hates Robin.
Thursday Night Smackdown 
Shit. I took a xanax an hour ago with a couple glasses of wine. Forgive me in advance, if I say something stupid.
As soon as I saw this I thought of you! Forgive me if you’ve already stumbled upon this and I missed the post, but even if so, BACON VODKA is likely worth repeating. http://www.bakonvodka.com/
Can the universe handle Padme and Tyler in the same room with each other? I would think the two douches that close together would cause a black hole or something.
Did Padma borrow Cher’s 1970’s era wardrobe for the Quick-fire?
It’s a good night – made an awesome entry dish for Tight Ass Tuesday and new Top Chef. Is it wrong that I like Tyler? I find him sorta cute, too.
Also, Padma, a green jumpsuit? WHAT THE FUCK?
My tv tried to tear itself off the wall when Padma in that green thing appeared.
Go Kevin! We like Friar Tuck. Mike can go f’ off.
jesus christ, weed needs to die. but yaaaay for kevin winning the quickfire. major, major crush here.
But, Kevin saying that about not being worried about going home worries me. Shows like this always foreshadow shit. But I would’ve taken the money too.
Is it me or is Padma extra bitchy this season?
AMAZING that Padma doesn’t have camel toe in that tight green…whateverthefuck you call it.
Interesting that both Weed and Beardie both never cooked with Asian and both have it for both quickfire and challenge.
Also, I love that Weed hates Robin. I hope she takes him down in her flames. (Yes, I’m negative, hah.)
My tivo just offered me an opportunity to get more great ideas from people with asthma. Do people with asthma have better ideas then people without asthma? I can only assume they at least know not to wear green jumpsuits.
is it o.k. to say “I love you”??????
“Million Dollar Listing” should really be called “Queer Eye for the Bad Investment”
Tyler Florence is a total colostomy bag. He sent one hell of a shitty legal threat to a funny food blogger, who totally didn’t deserve it. Thin skinned and douchy.
The program is sponsored by Macy’s which apparently wasn’t clear from the dozen mentions in the last 15 minutes.
Padme is now wearing a dress she crafted from a Circus Circus window treatment.
I don’t adore Shiv, but she’s growing on me. I’m just glad to see Kevin continue to kick ass.
Maybe the douche not-Jonah Hill will go? Or Hairbrush? Oh oh oh, what joy!
Ten thousand dollar gift card from Macys! She could be a republican candidate for vice president!
(but seriously – good job)
Hey, I use Ro-Tel in my mexican bean and rice casserole and it is verrah tasty.
I don’t put velveeta on it tho – but that could also be tasty.
is Shiv crying?
man that’s horseshit, Ashley’s better than Ash and they all know that! jeez … definitely better than Robin
Shiv was bawling! poor girl… must be the nerves
I was thinking the same thing about Padma not having cameltoe. Maybe she’s wearing really tight underroos or something.
I happened upon this post after googling “Padma’s jumpsuit”. Totally enjoyed reading this.
Also – if everyone hates Robin, and Robin knows that everyone hates her, why won’t she stfu for 5 minutes?
TyFlo was hot 6 years ago, but then he got old and fat, and started mumbling at a rapid pace. Now he’s just a weenie. Some of his “Tyler’s Ultimate” recipes are solid, but not sure I’d call them ultimate.
I think Padma is extra bitchy ’cause she’s preggo. At least that’s what happened to me- I turned into a raging asshole and my husband almost left me during the first trimester of my first pregnancy.
That said, those prawns looked like ass. I can’t wait to watch the whole show later today.
I’m pretty sure Tyler’s weight and his speech difficulties come straight from a bottle… Half drunk all the time and all drunk the rest…
YAY- no more Hairbrush!
So am I to understand that, basically, NOTHING really happened on last night’s episode? Glad I decided to go to bed.
This has been pointed out somewhere else, but Beardie totally looks like Yukon Cornelius. Now I can’t get the pick axe licking thing out of my head.
Beardie also looks exactly like the grumpy old troll on Dora the Explorer, only he ain’t grumpy.
Naw. We call Beardie “The Lumberjack Gnome” and we love him. He is most excellent. And despite her frightening demeanor, we love Shiv. Power to the Lumberjack Gnome and Shiv!!!
newbies, welcome. everyone, keep up the good work – the comment thread is the funniest part of this whole gig.