Tonight on Top Chef: Penn and Teller, because we haven’t had enough creepy magic-themed challenges in our reality cooking competitions this year. Does anyone outside of 1991 care about Penn and Teller? Really? I don’t believe you.
LAST WEEK: There were Tee Pees and fake ranchers on a City Slickers-esque adventure, except at the end they had to eat Neckerchief’s vile undercooked cod. I hope they didn’t pay too much for that add-on to their ranch-cation.
And hey, why not nominate your favorite food blogs for a FoodBuzz award while you wait for the ep to start?
10:01: Neckerchief LEFT BEHIND ALL HIS NECK SCARVES. And now everyone’s wearing them. You know he’s not dead, right? And why the hell did he have so very many scarves?
10:02: QUICKFIRE: Make a duo representing your internal struggles. Like for Weed, it could be whether to be a douchebag today or a jerkass.
10:04: We learn Robin had cancer. Is this the start of her redemption arc, or a sign of her immanent demise?
Guest judge is Michelle Bernstein, who I love for her total ruthlessness.
Seriously, they all look beyond idiotic with the scarves.
10:06: Not Jonah Hill is smirky to the point of actually wanting to smack him. One of the brothers had a gorgeous-looking dessert duo of panna cotta and mousse…that the judge didn’t like. Many people didn’t think about making this personal in any way.
Michelle likes Robin, causing Weed to shoot the demon eyes at her. Suck it, Weed.
10:08: SHIV IS NOT IN THE TOP THREE. So now we have two pairs of demon eyes…and Robin wins. REDEMPTION ARC! So that’s demon eyes from everyone but Padma and Robin herself.
Not Jonah Hill thinks she won because she pulled the cancer card. Is it SO HARD to believe that the woman made a delicious apple crisp? If we’re going for pity wins here, Haitian Boat Guy would win right now and we could all go home. Suck it, NJH. I’m also scared that Shiv is going to engage in some kind of self-harm at having not won.
10:10: Penn and Teller. Schtick. My level of caring: negative three.
They deconstruct the which-cup-has-the-ball trick that has a name that I can’t think of right now, setting up the ELIMINATION: deconstruction of a classic dish. One of the brothers explains the concept of deconstruction in such a deadpan, monotone, soporific voice that I had to keep myself awake by thinking of all the synonyms for BORING AS HELL.
10:16: So Bryan is the monotone brother? Because I have this suspicion they both are.
10:17: Weed does not know what eggs Florentine is. What DO you know, Weed? Or does it take that much energy to be a giant Dick that there’s no room for actual knowledge?
One of the brothers is baking his own bread, causing the other to get all passive-aggressive about it. If I were the bread-baking brother, I’d sleep with one eye open tonight.
Haitian Boat Guy talks for a while. That’s all I can say about that.
10:19: Not JH has a pressure cooker held together with TAPE. And it explodes. Because it was held together with TAPE.
10:21: SuperSizeMe is making something with “flavors and textures and stuff.” Yum!
It occurs to me that Beardie is fucking lucky that he even knows what goes into black mole in the first place, let alone be able to deconstruct it.
10:22: Did Shiv just scare Colicchio off? I think she did. She has the power of darkness behind her.
10:23: Hanging around the house, Not JH is really rocking that “hipster guy with potbelly and tight shirt thing.” By “rocking” I mean “looks like an ass.”
Everyone hates Robin now simply because she won and they thought she sucked so now they’re worried that THEY suck and they’re lashing out to avoid having to think that.
Can I tell you a secret? SOME OF YOU JUST SUCK.
10:26: Commercials: There is expensive food to be had in Las Vegas. Also a lot of stupid, stupid people, because is it really worth that much to drink gold through a diamond straw? Should you even be drinking gold? Can’t I just save myself the cash, buy a bottle of Goldschlager and then pour it down the drain, because Goldschlager is gross?
10:28: For once, the pointless interlude is not pointless, because it brings us this gem from Weed: “Where does eggs Florentine come from? Is it American? French?” And no one wants to tell him what it is or where it’s from, and it’s beautiful.
Eventually someone tells him what it actually is, and that makes me sad. You’re in a competition, and he’s a Dickweed. Lies of omission, people. Learn about them.
10:32: Man, I can’t wait to hear the pithy commentary of Penn and Teller AND Toby Young. Well, Penn and Young anyway. If I have to watch Teller mime commentary in any way I’m walking away right now.
AND both those things just happened.
Spherified Casear dressing: cool.
10:35: Okay, Bryan just showed some life, so I’m back to not knowing who is who.
Mousy’s deconstructed fish and chips, with a shortage of chips that are really a ripoff of some Thomas Keller potatoes. Teller mimes his displeasure. I try to gouge my eyes out with the remote – I can do this without watching the actual TV – but the remote is too blunt.
10:37: Shiv is beloved, as always. Because every little plate of deconstructed lasagna comes with a deconstructed razorblade as a threat to you.
10:39: Haitian Boat Guy produces a “sad plate of food” that is also not deconstructed. I’m so glad we’re going to get rid of the other person on this show I couldn’t understand.
10:40: Hairbrush has carrot foam. I get it, it’s pot roast, but I thought we were done with the foam already and had moved on to compression of foods there’s no reason to compress, like watermelon. Am I wrong?
The deconstructed mole looks out of this world, and I really, really hope they like it…and they do! I want that mole in my mouth right now.
10:42: Two more people go, I think, but I’m not sure because I am working so very hard to ignore Toby Young and Penn and Teller.
10:46: JUDGE’S TABLE: Top 4 are Brother Michael, Shiv, Beardie and Hairbrush. Shiv still makes a face, like she’s so upset at the lowering of her standards that she doesn’t want to listen to praise.
WINNER: Beardie! You damn well better win when you deconstruct some black mole.
Beardie crush: growing.
10:48: Are they ganging up on Robin in the stew room over the apple crisp? GET THE FUCK OVER IT. YOU LOST. AND YOU WILL PROBABLY LOSE AGAIN. And I’m not just pissy because I’ve had cancer and I don’t like people hammering on cancer lady; I don’t really like her. But you’re all acting even more like children than we expect from you, and we don’t expect all that much from you.
Bottom three are SuperSizeMe, Haitian Boat Guy and Mousy.
10:51: HBG sucks in every possible way one could suck in this challenge: poor deconstruction of poorly cooked food that didn’t taste good. The trifecta!
10:53: SuperSizeMe is suffering from his lack of potatoes, Mousy is suffering because she overcooked the halibut. Which means: DISRESPECT FOR THE FISH. And for this she must die.
10:55: Commercials: Macy’s commercials with Martha Stewart, Jessica Simpson, Donald Trump. Brian, on seeing Trump: “Hey little girl – you’re fired.”
10:58: THE KNIFING: Haitian Boat Guy. I was going to make a comment about getting back on the boat, but I don’t want to go directly to hell from the sofa; I’d prefer to wait until I actually die.
NEXT WEEK: People run and fall a lot. They give no actual idea of what will happen. Good job, editors!