Last week a panoply of French chefs were forced to eat food prepared by Top Chef contestants. They did a pretty good job…except Hector, who I thankfully no longer have to try and decipher, although I’m sure he’s a very nice person if you can understand him.

See you at ten!

LAST WEEK: Jesse got the boot in the Quickfire, the show gathered every great living French chef that Americans would have heard of, and one of the brothers won them over. I’m still not sure which one, so I’m sticking with Brother I.

10:01: With so many contestants, they had to add an extra bar onto the opening theme music to accommodate them. Heh.

10:02: Brother II doesn’t like to brag about his Michelin star…except when he does, like just now on national television. He thinks he, his brother and the execrable Weed are the best chefs.

10:03: Neckerchief is French, Basque in fact. Did you know? I know the show doesn’t mention it often.

10:04: QUICKFIRE:  Guest judge Tim Love! He once chicken-fried a strawberry, bless his heart. The challenge: cooking with cactus, winner gets $15K.

Brian: “Who’s going to wuss out and use the cactus pears?”

10:06: Weed is curing his cactus in salt and serving it raw. So why is he sweating to intensely? Mousy doesn’t really know what to do with cactus, but she’s not comparing herself to everyone else. Code for: “I know I suck.” Neckerchief doesn’t know either, so he’s chucking it into tequila. A man after my own heart.

10:08: Haitian Boat Guy is the new Hector, in terms of my complete inability to understand him.

Beardie’s comment: “Good, but slimy.” Are those things compatible? I don’t know about you, but for me slimy cancels out good.

10:09: A lot of people are using the cactus as a sauce or relish component. Step it up, people.

Tim Love is inscrutable. Except when he doesn’t like you, and then he makes a wonderfully blatant “yuck” face.

10:11: Sucky: A brother, SuperSizeMe and Haitian Boat guy, who served rancid crab. The good: Neckerchief, Weed, Mousy.

Weed wins.


10:12: One of the brothers: “[Weed] deserved to win, he worked with the product well. But I’d rather be able to put good flavors together than take the slime out of a cactus.” Code for: “I am a giant douchebag.” I can only take one major dickweed per season, Bravo.

10:14: Commercials: Is it just me, or do you think of “Derelicte” from “Zoolander” every time a commercial for Dualiste comes on? Okay, just me. And Brian.

10:16: ELIMINATION: Cowboy cooking! Outside, on a ranch. But your food’s gotta be high-end. And they get to spend the night on a ranch.

Ooh, they have to shop before they know what kind of equipment they have to deal with. Suck!

10:18: Mousy: “I’ve learned to be a MacGuyver when it comes to cooking.” She can sear arctic char with a  rubberband, paperclip, and roll of toilet paper: NO HEAT REQUIRED. At first I thought, “You can blow things up?” But then I remembered that’s MacGruber from Saturday Night Live.

Shiv is unhappy with the unknown.

10:20: Driving to the ranch, Neckerchief astutely points out that they’re in the desert and there are cacti. You’re only on a ranch outside Las Vegas, Neckerchief. Genius!

They’re cooking in fire pits. AWESOME. There is a chuck wagon, containing lots of bourbon. DOUBLE AWESOME.

10:21: Neckerchief is excited because they do a lot of camping in the Basque country. Where he’s from. In case you didn’t know. There seem to be quite a few people who were raised in the woods and / or were hobos.

Not Jonah Hill “doesn’t believe in camping.” Really? Because you’re camping right now. Also, shut up and camp.

10:23: Brian: “Where is the refrigeration? That would be my concern.” That’s my safety-conscious guy. You could get eaten by a coyote, but has the milk soured? Stay tuned to find out!

10:27: Not Jonah Hill is still whining about camping and cooking in the desert. He is so, so, SO much less funny than he thinks he is. That is, not at all. He’s actually sucking the humor from those around him

10:28: Running! Chaos! Pots banging! Complaining! Yelling!

Several people are making ceviche to avoid dealing with the fire pits altogether. I think several people are lame. It just so happens that those circles coincide, like the world’s most boring Venn diagram.

10:29: Haitian Boat Guy is searching for a sword. I don’t know why, but I hope it’s because he wants to run Weed through. Not that I advocate murder, but I’m not the one asking for the sword here.

10:31: I’m officially done with calling anything that’s been marinated in booze “drunken.” DONE. I decree that everyone else be done as well.

10:32: Padma is actually dressed somewhat appropriately, and not like an old Western Victorian hooker, like you’d expect. Hooray for personal growth!

These ranchers? I’m pretty sure they’re ranch guests on an exciting outing. I wonder how much extra they had to pay?

10:35: Tim Love’s cowboy hat and flowery purple shirt make me happy. The judge’s dislike of Weed’s food makes me happy.

Not Jonah Hill’s sad-looking tuna sandwich does not make me happy.

10:36: Colicchio spits out Neckerchief’s ceviche. His learned commentary: “It’s gross.”

Okay, that old lady is NOT a rancher. She looks like Brian’s grandma’s sister. Florence, in case you were wondering. She’s been an extra in major films before, so I wouldn’t be surprised to see her pop up here.

10:38: Shiv is not one of the people who made a ceviche, or “seveech.” One of the brothers is also praised; I don’t know if it’s the douchey one or not. For all I know, they’re both douchey.

Hairbrush seems to be doing well on the cooking front, if not the shampoo front.

Beardie made duck with mole. I have to say, every week I love him more and more.

10:39: Okay, that guy is totally not a ranch hand either, he’s a biker who plays in a Black Label Society cover band. Or he’s actually in Black Label Society, hard to say.

10:40: I will pay cash money to the person who can teach me how to tell the brothers apart without having to look up at the screen.

10:42: Commercials: – making low-budget but surprisingly creepy commercials since August 2009.

10:43: Pointless interlude! Beardie: “Horseshoes is one of the more entertaining things that has ever been invented.” He is amazingly good at it. I have to take a minute to think about whether this makes me like him more, less, or doesn’t change anything.

10:47: In the stew room, everyone knows someone had some skunky-ass seafood.

First to be called, the top 4: Hairbrush, Mousy and both Brothers. The judges must have loved them, because this is just two minutes of circle-jerking.

10:48: WINNER: Brian, AKA Brother I, AKA Might Be A Douchebag.

Okay, after he talks shit about his brother in his post-victory interview, he’s definitely a douchebag. Unnecessary.

10:49: Losers: Robin, Neckerchief and Haitian Boat Guy. As Brian points out, each one of them got a “That’s disgusting” from the judges at some point.

10:50: Robin is talking about steak and sausage and barbecue even though she served grilled romaine and ‘drunken’ prawns.

Neckerchief’s ceviche actually made Tim Love “flipping sick.” Shouldn’t that mean automatic fail?

10:52: Haitian Boat Guy’s food was good, but his drink was apparently so heinous that he landed in the bottom. Had it been regurgitated? How can a beverage be THAT bad?

10:54: Commercials: Jessica Simpson – so stupid that she’s laughing all the way to the bank, or actually just so stupid?

10:57: Voltaggio Brothers sounds like the name of a family plumbing business in Staten Island.

10:58: Haitian Boat Guy made a nasty drink. Neckerchief made some nasty cod. Robin made some nasty prawns. LOSER: Neckerchief.

The Basque country mourns tonight. I’m sorry, Euskadi.

NEXT WEEK: Penn and Teller. Wasn’t there a magic-themed challenge in Masters with Doogie Howser? And it creeped me the fuck out?

Fantasy Top Chef: Here