This week, on Top Chef: Only sixteen idiots are left, and by nights’ end we’ll be down to fifteen!

Also, I looked at their Bravo TV bios, and not a one of them is sans either troubling hairstyle or troubling neckwear.

FYI: I’m reading the bio for Shiv (AKA Jennifer Carroll, AKA Woman Who Runs Eric Ripert’s Restaurant And Hence Does Not Need This Show) and it lists:

FAVORITE SIMPLE SUMMER RECIPE: Compressed Watermelon, Chesapeake Bay Jumbo Lump Crab, Fennel Pollen and Wild Boar Prosciutto Chips

Yeah, I always like to throw together some wild boar prosciutto chips and fennel pollen when friends stop by for an after-work barbeque. I’m not even going to ask about the compressed watermelon. She makes me want to pull a Barney Frank: “On what planet do you spend most of your time?”

FYI FYI: Official Contestant Nicknames (other than Shiv, which has just stuck for me).

Kevin: Beardie Baldo

Mike: Tanweed (combination of “Tan Guy” and “Dickweed”)

Eli: Not Jonah Hill

Eve: Melissa (AKA, Forgettable blond from last season, name of all forgettable blonds henceforth)

Ash: SuperSizeMe (TM commenter Kimbaa1972)

More as they are uncovered.

LAST WEEK: Holy shit, Wolfgang Puck was, like, five sheets to the wind. Tanweed was even more of a weed than I at first thought. Beardie Baldo took it with some fine-lookin’ char.

10:02: Wow, they stuffed them in the shittiest living quarters ever. It’s like the closet of Celine Dion’s closet.

There are still WAY too many people this week to actually try to track what any of them are doing in a coherent fashion, just a warning.

10:03: QUICKFIRE: Guest judge Todd “The Smirker” English. Challenge: Roll the dice, and pick that number of ingredients from the pantry. Winner gets $15K. Whoopee.

10:05: I could chronicle all the rolls for you. But I’m not. Here’s a hint: all the numbers are between two and twelve.

Hey, there’s another forgettable lady! She only rolled a three. We may have a MelissaTwo: The Brown Haired Edition.

10:06: One of the brothers is doing a “gazpacho like [we’ve] never seen it before.” It apparently involves a lot of dry ice, or liquid nitrogen or possibly a smoke machine because he’s chosen “a 1987 Disco” from the pantry.

It’s regular Top Chef, so there’s lots of running. Top Chef without running is like Hell’s Kitchen without cursing.

10:07: MelissaTwo’s soup gets an “interesting,” the culinary equivalent of “nice personality.” One of the brothers has “compressed cucumbers.” Why can we not leave the fruits in their standard form of compression?  Has their been some kind of fruit density-related problem of which I was not aware?

Shiv sounds just like the “Just Kidding” lady from Saturday Night Live.

10:09: “When you have mushy on mushy, it’s not nice.” Truer words, English. Truer words.

The compressed cucumbers get praise, as do Shiv and Beardie Baldo. WINNER… One of the “maybe a douchebag maybe not” brothers. Michael?

10:15: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Bachelor and Bachelorette parties. Gay woman who needs to brush her hair has issues with these parties, and will until everyone is allowed to get married. I have issues with them because they are full of shit, misogynistic and pointless.

10:16: Shiv is pissed off about this challenge.  Look out producers.

The couple brings their favorite shots and wants food paired with the shots.


10:17: Wow, bridegroom, 2001 wants its haircut back. I know that style of joke is played out, but really. Come on now.

So this is a “boy vs. girl” thing (because “man vs. woman” would be too respectful and might make someone realize how stupid this is). The “girls” are cooking for the groom, the “boys” for the bride.

10:20: Whole Foods. Remarkably subdued. MelissaBrown meekly requests some lamb. Shiv gets some frozen octopus, which could backfire on her if we’re really lucky.

Thank you, gay men, for reinforcing gay stereotypes purposefully on national TV. Arrange those flowers, you fags! Meanwhile, I’m still trying to figure out if the brothers’ relationship is as good-natured as they (mostly) portray it, or if one is secretly slowly poisoning the other with iocaine powder.

10:21: Hector: The fuck? I have no idea what the hell he just said. Any ideas?

10:22: Hairbrush is trying to make a statement by making two dishes. She doesn’t do pastry, so she’s wisely opted to make a panna cotta. I’m no “foodie” or anything here: that’s dessert, yes?

10:24: Political moment about how marriage is a het-only privilege. Correct. When you get kicked off the show, you can take that banner up. Frankly, I say get rid of all marriages altogether. (Mine included, now that I’ve got insurance. Although I’ll hang on to the man.) And then tell me all about it WHEN I’M NOT WATCHING TOP CHEF.

Just cook some damn food.

10:27: Not Jonah Hill is feeling pretty good. Not that you would know it, because he appears never to smile.

10:28: Poolside buffet, sitting in the hot sun, with shots.  A surefire recipe for not-vomiting!

Not to be offensive, I’m really asking this: is Blond Melissa a little slow?

10:30: OH MY GOD, I GET IT: YOU ARE GAY AND CANNOT GET MARRIED. PLEASE, PLEASE, CRAM IT. Either participate, or walk off in protest. Those are your options. At this point, I’d like to see you go with number 2.

Guys: 1984 called and it wants its glass platters back.

10:31: Again with the seveech? The heinous pronunciation? The same basic preparation? YOU WORK FOR RIPERT, WOMAN. He’s rolling in his re-charging station right now.

(You know, because he’s a robot.)

10:34: The women have lots of interesting looking food that I can’t keep track of because there are seven thousand of them.

Beardie Baldo’s got some kind of chilled almond soup with crab and I want a big giant bowl of it right now. I want my bathtub filled with it. I want a tap installed in my house that dispenses it.

10:35: Tanweed made something. I don’t care what, because I don’t care about him.

Brian, on Hector: “I want to understand.”

10:38: Mattin made a croquette with boulliabaise. And I want it to be good so very badly because it’s bouilliabaise, and I’m even forgiving the neckerchief because I’ve learned that he’s Basque and that somehow makes it okay.

But it’s not.

10:39: Apparently, it’s appropriate to disrobe and jump into the pool at a client’s function.

SuperSizeMe: “What are we, ten?”

And then a drunk party guest drowns in the pool.

Kidding! Yeah, I know, but I’ll see you down there with me.

10:42: POINTLESS INTERLUDE: Tanweed comes up with nicknames for people, too! Except they are dumb (“The Pickle Brothers…because they’re like two pickles in brine.”) and/or born of necessity, because he can’t be bothered to learn to pronounce people’s names.

At least he realizes that they’ll tire of him quickly. He means his fellow contestants, not us, but we can just extrapolate.

10:46: JUDGES’ TABLE First up, both brothers, Not Jonah Hill and Hector are in the top.

10:48: Tom Colicchio can’t believe Hector had the “huevos” to make tofu! I put it in quotes because that’s how he put it. Oh Tom, your genitalia-related innuendo is priceless.

WINNER: Bryan, and his take on chips and dip, whatever it was, because I didn’t have time to see it.

10:50: The bottom four: Blond Melissa, Jesse, Ashley and Preeti.

Blond Melissa actually is standing out for me a little, because she constantly seems like she’s 3 millimeters from a total breakdown. And the whole “possibly developmentally disabled” thing.

10:51: People are mostly acknowledging their faults…except Preeti.

Regardless of how smirky Todd English is or how much he looks like a butch-er Morrissey and that might weird you out, you don’t serve him crappy panna cotta. Ashley: “I am not a dessert technician.”

10:54: The judges are not sure that Blond Melissa really understands how flavors go together. Because they merely think she is a bad chef, and are not considering the other possibilities. Open your minds, judges.

10:58: THE KNIFING: The four women sucked.

10:59: Thankfully, the judges send Eve home, to return to the independent living facility they found her in. Attention attendants: get her Klonopin ready.

NEXT WEEK: Canned goods, no stoves, servicepeople, and Shiv may actually cut a bitch.

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