This week, on Top Chef: Only sixteen idiots are left, and by nights’ end we’ll be down to fifteen!
Also, I looked at their Bravo TV bios, and not a one of them is sans either troubling hairstyle or troubling neckwear.
FYI: I’m reading the bio for Shiv (AKA Jennifer Carroll, AKA Woman Who Runs Eric Ripert’s Restaurant And Hence Does Not Need This Show) and it lists:
FAVORITE SIMPLE SUMMER RECIPE: Compressed Watermelon, Chesapeake Bay Jumbo Lump Crab, Fennel Pollen and Wild Boar Prosciutto Chips
Yeah, I always like to throw together some wild boar prosciutto chips and fennel pollen when friends stop by for an after-work barbeque. I’m not even going to ask about the compressed watermelon. She makes me want to pull a Barney Frank: “On what planet do you spend most of your time?”
FYI FYI: Official Contestant Nicknames (other than Shiv, which has just stuck for me).
Kevin: Beardie Baldo
Mike: Tanweed (combination of “Tan Guy” and “Dickweed”)
Eli: Not Jonah Hill
Eve: Melissa (AKA, Forgettable blond from last season, name of all forgettable blonds henceforth)
Ash: SuperSizeMe (TM commenter Kimbaa1972)
More as they are uncovered.
LAST WEEK: Holy shit, Wolfgang Puck was, like, five sheets to the wind. Tanweed was even more of a weed than I at first thought. Beardie Baldo took it with some fine-lookin’ char.
10:02: Wow, they stuffed them in the shittiest living quarters ever. It’s like the closet of Celine Dion’s closet.
There are still WAY too many people this week to actually try to track what any of them are doing in a coherent fashion, just a warning.
10:03: QUICKFIRE: Guest judge Todd “The Smirker” English. Challenge: Roll the dice, and pick that number of ingredients from the pantry. Winner gets $15K. Whoopee.
10:05: I could chronicle all the rolls for you. But I’m not. Here’s a hint: all the numbers are between two and twelve.
Hey, there’s another forgettable lady! She only rolled a three. We may have a MelissaTwo: The Brown Haired Edition.
10:06: One of the brothers is doing a “gazpacho like [we’ve] never seen it before.” It apparently involves a lot of dry ice, or liquid nitrogen or possibly a smoke machine because he’s chosen “a 1987 Disco” from the pantry.
It’s regular Top Chef, so there’s lots of running. Top Chef without running is like Hell’s Kitchen without cursing.
10:07: MelissaTwo’s soup gets an “interesting,” the culinary equivalent of “nice personality.” One of the brothers has “compressed cucumbers.” Why can we not leave the fruits in their standard form of compression? Has their been some kind of fruit density-related problem of which I was not aware?
Shiv sounds just like the “Just Kidding” lady from Saturday Night Live.
10:09: “When you have mushy on mushy, it’s not nice.” Truer words, English. Truer words.
The compressed cucumbers get praise, as do Shiv and Beardie Baldo. WINNER… One of the “maybe a douchebag maybe not” brothers. Michael?
10:15: ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Bachelor and Bachelorette parties. Gay woman who needs to brush her hair has issues with these parties, and will until everyone is allowed to get married. I have issues with them because they are full of shit, misogynistic and pointless.
10:16: Shiv is pissed off about this challenge. Look out producers.
The couple brings their favorite shots and wants food paired with the shots.
Awesome.
10:17: Wow, bridegroom, 2001 wants its haircut back. I know that style of joke is played out, but really. Come on now.
So this is a “boy vs. girl” thing (because “man vs. woman” would be too respectful and might make someone realize how stupid this is). The “girls” are cooking for the groom, the “boys” for the bride.
10:20: Whole Foods. Remarkably subdued. MelissaBrown meekly requests some lamb. Shiv gets some frozen octopus, which could backfire on her if we’re really lucky.
Thank you, gay men, for reinforcing gay stereotypes purposefully on national TV. Arrange those flowers, you fags! Meanwhile, I’m still trying to figure out if the brothers’ relationship is as good-natured as they (mostly) portray it, or if one is secretly slowly poisoning the other with iocaine powder.
10:21: Hector: The fuck? I have no idea what the hell he just said. Any ideas?
10:22: Hairbrush is trying to make a statement by making two dishes. She doesn’t do pastry, so she’s wisely opted to make a panna cotta. I’m no “foodie” or anything here: that’s dessert, yes?
10:24: Political moment about how marriage is a het-only privilege. Correct. When you get kicked off the show, you can take that banner up. Frankly, I say get rid of all marriages altogether. (Mine included, now that I’ve got insurance. Although I’ll hang on to the man.) And then tell me all about it WHEN I’M NOT WATCHING TOP CHEF.
Just cook some damn food.
10:27: Not Jonah Hill is feeling pretty good. Not that you would know it, because he appears never to smile.
10:28: Poolside buffet, sitting in the hot sun, with shots. A surefire recipe for not-vomiting!
Not to be offensive, I’m really asking this: is Blond Melissa a little slow?
10:30: OH MY GOD, I GET IT: YOU ARE GAY AND CANNOT GET MARRIED. PLEASE, PLEASE, CRAM IT. Either participate, or walk off in protest. Those are your options. At this point, I’d like to see you go with number 2.
Guys: 1984 called and it wants its glass platters back.
10:31: Again with the seveech? The heinous pronunciation? The same basic preparation? YOU WORK FOR RIPERT, WOMAN. He’s rolling in his re-charging station right now.
(You know, because he’s a robot.)
10:34: The women have lots of interesting looking food that I can’t keep track of because there are seven thousand of them.
Beardie Baldo’s got some kind of chilled almond soup with crab and I want a big giant bowl of it right now. I want my bathtub filled with it. I want a tap installed in my house that dispenses it.
10:35: Tanweed made something. I don’t care what, because I don’t care about him.
Brian, on Hector: “I want to understand.”
10:38: Mattin made a croquette with boulliabaise. And I want it to be good so very badly because it’s bouilliabaise, and I’m even forgiving the neckerchief because I’ve learned that he’s Basque and that somehow makes it okay.
But it’s not.
10:39: Apparently, it’s appropriate to disrobe and jump into the pool at a client’s function.
SuperSizeMe: “What are we, ten?”
And then a drunk party guest drowns in the pool.
Kidding! Yeah, I know, but I’ll see you down there with me.
10:42: POINTLESS INTERLUDE: Tanweed comes up with nicknames for people, too! Except they are dumb (“The Pickle Brothers…because they’re like two pickles in brine.”) and/or born of necessity, because he can’t be bothered to learn to pronounce people’s names.
At least he realizes that they’ll tire of him quickly. He means his fellow contestants, not us, but we can just extrapolate.
10:46: JUDGES’ TABLE First up, both brothers, Not Jonah Hill and Hector are in the top.
10:48: Tom Colicchio can’t believe Hector had the “huevos” to make tofu! I put it in quotes because that’s how he put it. Oh Tom, your genitalia-related innuendo is priceless.
WINNER: Bryan, and his take on chips and dip, whatever it was, because I didn’t have time to see it.
10:50: The bottom four: Blond Melissa, Jesse, Ashley and Preeti.
Blond Melissa actually is standing out for me a little, because she constantly seems like she’s 3 millimeters from a total breakdown. And the whole “possibly developmentally disabled” thing.
10:51: People are mostly acknowledging their faults…except Preeti.
Regardless of how smirky Todd English is or how much he looks like a butch-er Morrissey and that might weird you out, you don’t serve him crappy panna cotta. Ashley: “I am not a dessert technician.”
10:54: The judges are not sure that Blond Melissa really understands how flavors go together. Because they merely think she is a bad chef, and are not considering the other possibilities. Open your minds, judges.
10:58: THE KNIFING: The four women sucked.
10:59: Thankfully, the judges send Eve home, to return to the independent living facility they found her in. Attention attendants: get her Klonopin ready.
NEXT WEEK: Canned goods, no stoves, servicepeople, and Shiv may actually cut a bitch.
(Fantasy Top Chef player? Check out the stats.)
Thursday Night Smackdown 
I have also nicknamed “SuperSizeMe” and your pal Beardie Baldo, I’ve already named Fatty McBeard. But I’m flexible. And I LOVE a Moscow Mule, and I assure you there’s nothing pink in it.
Do you get extra points for mentioning Gladware?
*facepalm*
We now know two people are gay and almost nothing about anyone else but the possible debauchery of red haired beard dude during his bachelor party. Which I would actually like to hear about. *poke* *poke* (tell please)
*sigh*
(tired of the false drama and political statements)
(also gay btw – just wants to see some decent cook’n)
I also had mad love for Haiti the Hutt last episode, regardless of not understanding a word, but I’m not seeing that much this time around.
It would be SO much more interesting if it was divided by the sex you are interested in rather than the sex you are.
Seriously, when will someone correct her on se-VEECH? C’mon, Padma!
@kimbaa1972
Excellent idea!
I keep thinking Ashley is a good-looking French boy.
STOP SAYING SAH-VISHE! And what’s with Tom’s sunglasses not really going over his ears? Anyone else see that?
I keep thinking Mattin is a good-looking French girl.
@tim–I’m feeling very simpatico with you this evening!
The glimpse into Tanweed’s personality during the break did not make me like him more. The saying is not “two pickles in a pod.”
Seriously, I’m tired of that tool.
What a contrast from TC Masters, where they had good booze and a nice snack to wait out the judging! Back to the folding chairs in the storeroom!
is there something wrong with padma’s arm?
Is there something wrong with padma’s teeth?
I agree, BlondMelissa may be a little bit touched.
Please don’t make fun of Padma–she got that scar fighting off a shark in 1997. The shark lost.
And we are paying for it to this day.
From now on, if she’s still here, I’m calling Ashley Ratatouille.
Anyone thinks its a bit ironic that there is a Walmart advertisement for “steaks” on the Top Chef bio website?
Is this the second episode where Eck-tor and “huevos” have been mentioned together? I smell a drinking game!
Who is the chick on the Bravo commercials who doesn’t know what a crack whore is? I think that is perfectly clear.
BlondeMelissa, back to the group home.
Next week’s military episode is such a Next Food Network kind of move.
So I’ve thought about for a while and I think I like the nickname Shiv. I think she is going to cut someone and I think that’s fantastic. I think it’s great TV. I’m looking forward to next week.
On a nickname note, do you really want to call him Tanweed or isn’t dickweed good enough? Arrogant ahole perhaps? Not to tell you your business.
I don’t understand how Ashley intends to go the rest of her professional career as a chef without having anything to do with hetero wedding festivities. We get it, you’re a ‘mo and you feel uncomfortable with the douchey couple you have to cook for. I voted no on prop 8 too sister, but I still married my husband.
I think I’ve got the se-VEECH thing figured out. I’ll be that IS how Ripert says it, being French and all. If that’s how she heard it from Ripert, how could she say it any differently?
The nicknames are killing me. It’s hard enough to remember who these gazillion chefs are to begin with. Now I need their secret identities, too? Argh.
hey y’alls! my two cents, as if i haven’t already spewed out a big pile of pennies:
– dickweed is a good enough nickname for tanweed, but i’m assuming that at some point i’m going to have to call someone else a dickweed, and then things will get confusing.
– i’m not convinced “debaucherous” is a word. nor do i want to hear about Beardie Baldo’s bachelor party.
– SuperSizeMe is an awesome nickname for that guy, who I now remember only as SuperSizeMe
– tim, you are on point at all times.
– there’s no need to remember the real names if you use the nicknames. i can’t be bothered with real names until there are 8 people or less; preferably six.
– thanks for hanging out!
I don’t know how to thank you and other recapper types for this. Last night I tried to watch this. First I watched last week’s episode because I missed it. I’d say I fell asleep around the time they were cooking for the party.
I was awake to hear the whining of the gay cooks. I’m all for gay marriage (why shouldn’t any adult couple have their beloveds legally recognized as next-of-kin by the governemtn?) but 5 more minutes of that woman going on about it and I would have turned radical fundie and called that chick an abomination.
I woke up after the party was over and missed most of the food. I said, “Screw it” and went to bed. I missed the juding.
Why can’t Bravo understand that I AM NOT A NIGHT PERSON!!! I will not stay awake for any show on at 10PM or after, not to mention, I’m often up at 5:15 for gym days, so I need my sleep! Seriously, they really need to schedule this show around my sleep schedule. While I love reading recaps, I do’t like relying on other people to know the winners of these things.
I think I’m glad I don’t watch it. On the other hand, the UK has something just as annoying – MasterChef. The 2 judges shout at each other the whole way through to see who has the greater testosterone levels. It makes my ears hurt.
BTW, I am following you* on Twitter now.
*Whatever that means. I don’t think it means stalking.
Okay. Here are my nicknames so far:
Short haircut girl #1 (the one who had problems with the whole marriage thing) Lesbian #1
Short hair cut girl #2: Lesbian #2
Girl who was sent home: The Mouse
Little larger girl with face piercing: Go-Ahead-And-Slit-Your-Wrists-Now Girl (Seriously, she was FUCKING crying.)
Super tanned guy that talks smack bout women contestants: Misogynistic Douche
That’s all I have so far.
Btw, I met Todd English (whom I highly respect) and did the whole “Hi, it’s so awesome to meet you. I highly respect your craft, yada yada yada” And I shook his hand. Here’s the thing. His hands were the softest hands I have ever felt in my life. Like they were softer than a babies ass, they were so freakin soft. Creepy soft. Serial killer soft. I am now afraid of Todd English and I still highly respect him….but maybe because I am afraid. Nonetheless, his turkey scallopine recipe with fennel, tomatoes, and almonds is TOO DIE For and should be made by everyone. (Look it up bitches).
The best part was when the 4 girls were going to judges tabe and one of them said “so did they guys win?” Seriously?
Is it me or does Kevin (AKA Beardie Baldo) look like Biker Billy with out sunglasses.
I’m late, I know. My apologies. But I’ve got some things to say, and it would be lame to blog about this myself.
-We call Beardy Baldo “Gimli”. I hopehopehope at some point he has to fabricate something with an axe (Quickfire: Make your own cedar planks out of this tree, and grill something on them!)
-I can’t stand crazy-haired lesbo girl. Partially because she’s a CHEF bitching about catering a WEDDING, but also partially because her last name is Merriman, and that’s the same last name as the slutty girl at our high school who gave my boyfriend a handjob in the locker room after wrestling practice. Whore.
-Preeti has to be XXY, chromosomally, because every time I’ve seen her so far, I’ve thought she was a dude until she spoke. If you’re going to have THAT haircut on television, at least wear earrings so I can tell you’re a woman. Kind of like people with infant daughters who get tired of dressing their kid in pink. Oooh! Or Preeti can start wearing pink. Those are her options.
-Mattin’s neckerchief brings me to tears of mirth. The last time I saw a neckerchief like that, it was in culinary school when the guys felt like being assholes and mincing around the classroom with a French lisp. I didn’t know people actually did that FOR REALS.
-I vote we name one of the brothers Molecular Gastroposer, since that’s the only concept he seems comfortable with. I don’t know which brother, though. The other one is The Disapprover. He’s tired of dealing with the foibles of Molecular Gastroposer.
rachel, other michelle and kristie, it’s going to take some time to process all of this, but let’s just say for sake of some kind of closure that i agree with 87% of what was said.
i will say that it’s going to take me some time to be able to tell the disapprover from the gastroposeur, and until such time as i can i may just call both the jackholes bros.
I call the beardy one “red santa” because he looks jolly… or maybe i mean jowly (ha, i make joke).