Fine; it’s episode nine. Happy?
This week, Chefs Bayless, Lo, Chiarello and Keller take a field trip to Best Friends Forever State Park, where they go on a nature walk, learn to make hand-dipped wax candles and eat s’mores around a campfire while having a sing-a-long. Bayless plays the harmonica. Unfortunatley, the night takes a sad turn when no one wants to share a tent with Chiarello. (He’s a wetter.)
Okay, maybe not. But if the last two weeks are any indication, that’s what it will seem like.
LAST WEEK: Zoey Deschanel. Vegans, aka “Those People,” according to Gael and UnBalaban. Art Smith’s unbearable mugging and forced good humor are finally banished from our screens. Chiarello is not.
Note: Rick Bayless informs me via Twitter that Chiarello is, in fact, nice. I will report that fact, but that does not negate my need to wail on him non-stop.
10:02: QUICKFIRE: The blindfold taste test. Ooh, I love this one. Crunchy Andrea won in the original, correctly IDing umebohsi, which Chiarello “has never even heard of.”
10:03: Chiarello’s first. Hoisin, FAIL. Chervil, FAIL. Mascarpone, FAIL. Shiso, FAIL. He gets corn and peanut butter right. Yay.
Seriously, mascarpone? You are MICHAEL CHIARELLO, CROWN PRINCE OF ITALIAN NAPA STYLE. You disappoint me.
10:04: Hubert. He has to ID poppadom. What the hell is that?
Lo biffs fricking peanut butter.
10:05: Bayless thinks hoisin is RANCH SALAD DRESSING. Why does NO ONE know what hoisin tastes like? Hoisin is my kitchen workhorse, along with maple syrup. Also: what kind of cut-rate brand are they using that it tastes like ranch dressing?
10:06: WINNER: Chiarello.
Kill me now.
10:08: FABIO!!
ELIMINATION CHALLENGE: Catering for 200. Choose your team from 12 past contestants. Blais. Spike the Hatbag. Malarkey. Scallop Jamie. Ilan the Waste of Space. Guy from a season or two ago that no one can remember with the semi-‘fro. CJ the Guy Who Cooked Lots of Fish. Shrill Betty. Angry Dale. Antonia Who I Really Liked. Elia With the Great Hair Who Turned Out To Be Kind of An Ass.
And FABIO!! Did I mention FABIO!!? He’s my friend on Facebook. We’re total besties.
I can’t believe I remembered all 12.
10:10: Chiarello is forcing everyone to submit to tests. Consequently, no one wants to work for Chiarello. They may be Top Chef contestants, but they’re not stupid. I get that this is an interview process, but no one wants to be a peon for the asswipe.
Well, except Spike.
10:12: So we can guarantee that Chiarello’s whole team will hate him.
Maybe this episode can be saved.
10:15: Brian, re: Spike and his hats: “He’s like the anti-Gael.”
10:16: Chiarello asks everyone, “What’s my name?”
Who’s your daddy? Does he look like me? Has he taken any time to show you what you need to live?
Sorry, I shouldn’t sully a good song like that.
God, I hate him.
10:19: Chiarello ends up with FABIO!!, CJ and Malarkey
Hubert: Hatbag, Elia and Antonia
Lo: Ilan, Jamie and Dale
Bayless: Blais, Alex and Betty
I was with Bayless on Blais, which I think was smart. The Betty thing? We all make mistakes.
10:22: Jamie thinks Lo seems overwhelmed. Make her a scallop, I’m sure it’ll help relax her.
Malarkey will do whatever Chiarello wants. Hopefully, that means FABIO!! and CJ are plotting some kind of Carrie-esque takedown. I get it. You’re the boss. But please, turn it down a notch. His douche meter goes to 11.
10:24: Just like old times: scrambling. Cellphones. Rush for the seafood counter. Regular Top Chefs are way better at careening around Whole Foods like a pack of demented weasels.
10:25: Dale v. Chiarello. Dale punches lockers. Chiarello is a douche and calls Dale “Young Man,” for no apparent reason other than being a douche.
Dale gets all up in his grill, and Chiarello is trying to be the bigger man. I am a small woman, and hope there is a knifing before the episode ends.
Chiarello seems not to realize that anyone else on his team has actually ever cooked anything before, or that most (if not all) are actual restaurant chefs, some quite successful. Also, he seems to think that the kitchen is his own tiny empire. Can we get him a tiny crown and a tiny scepter? And then a tiny parliament to unseat him, and a tiny mob to burn his tiny effigy.
10:28: Jamie doesn’t feel like she and Lo are in the same place. I have a great therapist if they’re looking for one. It worked for Metallica, right?
10:31: We’re halfway through the episode, which means its time for the TWIST!
The whole shindig is being moved, so it’s time for the Official Packing of All Foods Into Gladware Containers. Chiarello’s “whole day is unwinding like a yard sale.” I’ll have you know I’ve been to some very successful yard sales. I once sold a Volkswagen at a yard sale.
10:33: Kelly is back. Is it time for another TWIST? Can’t wait!
Their stations are in the hot, hot sun, so have fun with your dairy and raw bars. Also? You have to cut one of your chefs. Have fun!
FABIO!!: “I’m sweating like a mountain goat at the beach.” Sigh. I’m still waiting for the FABIO!! show.
10:35: Betty, Malarkey, Jamie and Hatbag are out.
Lo is displeased with Jamie’s performance. She is totally deadpan when she says this, and yet so incredibly frightening. Although Jamie is now longer working for her, she should still watch her back.
10:37: Blais pronounces Chiarello’s name wrong every single time. I like to think it’s on purpose.
Watching Hubert run with his tray of food is just adorable.
10:38: Gael is wearing her gold summer hat. UnBalaban’s tie? Yes, it matches. And he’s wearing a long-sleeved dress shirt and vest in the hot, hot sun. I think he might not have any sweat glands.
10:40: Chiarello has a “rustic Italian buffet.” I’m not fooled, i cook, I know what “rustic” means. It means “looks like shit.”
If he’d been less of a pompous ass, he’d have let FABIO!! talk. He totally would have won over the unBalaban.
Hubert has an EIGHTEEN COURSE BUFFET. Sucks for whoever comes next…Bayless. Sad.
10:41: Bayless actually did something he hadn’t done before by learning from Blais. LEARNING, Chiarello. From your SOUS. Who are REAL CHEFS.
10:43: Preview of judge’s table:
British judge: “There was a misstep here today.”
UnBalaban: [shakes head while pursing lips unnaturally tightly]
Beautiful.
10:47: JUDGE’S TABLE: Shot of Gael and UnBalalban sitting next to each other, in rapture over Keller’s whole spread; I think his eyes might roll back in his head but I’m not sure they’re physically capable of that. I think they’re squeezing hands under the table.
10:48: UnBalalan is doing a LOT of lip pursing tonight. And when I say he’s doing a lot you know it’s over the top, since pursed is his normal lip state.
Gael called Chiarello’s fish “mealy.” Heh.
At least he’s able to admit that he didn’t trust his sous to turn dishes over to them.
10:51: Taking a break to actually look at the screen. I want Hubert’s gazpacho, and his lamb. He’s praised for giving his sous leeway.
Backstage, Hubert: “I had a smoke last night.” Is he telling us he uses the MJ? Somehow, I wouldn’t be surprised. Look at that pony tail. He’s the gourmet French chef John Denver.
Lo’s taking a beating. She can probably tell, because her shuriken are tingling.
10:53: Commercials: It is my firm belief that all the “Real Housewives” shows, together with the FreeCreditReport.com commercials, signal the death of culture.
10:56: Hubert and Bayless have the highest scores, and move on to the Champions Round. Aren’t we already in the champions round? How many more rounds must we endure?
UnBalaban, on Keller: “I’d give you a galaxy of stars if I could.” What’s up with him tonight? He’s punchy. Drunk? Just had a great shopping spree with Gael?
10:57: Lesson: Trust your competent sous, and win.
10:59: Lo’s at 17. Chiarello ends up at…19.5. On one hand, DAMN IT. On the other hand, I appreciate the fodder. And Lo did kinda suck.
NEXT WEEK: Running. Things on fire. Chiarello making bold pronouncements about his ability. Previous winners return to judge, which means: Dieterle! I loves me some Harold.
Thursday Night Smackdown 
I’m an early birdy as well. Playing around with a crazy bacon/nutella sandwich and some sort of strawberry/balsamic soup for a cooking competition thingy on Saturday so I’m sort of feeling like a Top Chef contestant.
Anyway, blah blah blah, yay liveblog.
blindfold taste test, w00t!
hahaha, chiarello has never heard of umeboshi? (although i can’t say i didn’t know if it until america’s next top model.)
Oh, man. I know it’s not going to be popular, but Michael Chiarello has the right to be arrogant, or at least demand that the snotnoses show him respect in his kitchen. They’re interns, he’s the boss.
he may want respect but he’s being a damned ass about it.
bayless’s tweet to you about chiarello being a nice guy? still don’t really see it.
I may be a fanboy, but if Rick Bayless likes him, well…
totally have a crush on richard blais; hope the fact that jaime has worked for anita before is good news.
“It’s his ass on the line. I’ll do whatever he says. That’s what a sous chef does.” Now THAT’S the right attitude.
i definitely agree, i just think either editing or something makes him look… less pleasurable. especially compared to the other three chefs.
Emily, I agree. Hubert wants to mentor the young chefs, but he’s got, what? One day? Michael knows he has to win. Anyway.
The chef says, “Cut a carrot” you cut the goddamn carrot.
haha, i love how anita was like “pz out, jamie!”
it’s unfortunate, but tonight’s results seem pretty obvious. ah well, i’m happy to see rick and hubert both shining. 🙂
Blais IS purposely saying Chiarello’s name wrong every time (because of the whole “say my name” thing). In interview, he said that someone who does that should never had his name pronounced correctly. Ha!
Say it ain’t so….Lo’s gotta go.
DAMN IT indeed.
But… at least the finale isn’t Art, Michael and robot Susan? Hahah… I can love some Bayless and Keller.
Ahhhhh… Got my Blaise man-crush on. Sorry ladies, I know you like the Fabio and heez wonderful axe-scent (I do too, actually), and Fabio is a good guy (loved the fact that he wanted to win for his mother last season), but Blaise is an Atlanta home-boy now! I have been to two restaurants where he cooked, and actually got a tour of the kitchen at one of the restaurants by the chef himself. When Fabio opens a restaurant in Atlanta, and gives me a tour, I’ll adjust my man-crush! Anyway… Sorry about Anita Lo losing, but am glad you got some good Fabio in. Hubert’s boldness paid off, and Bayless certainly approached his sous chefs with great respect, which paid off for both respectively. Man, I would have love to have been a sous chef to one of Hubert’s sous chefs on this episode! Oh well, next week, hopefully he or Bayless will take it. Chiarello is a mega douche, but somehow does deserve to be on the show. Can’t figure that out, but I am sure that Gael Greene will pull something out of her hat and ditch the douche!
P.S. If you are ever in Atlanta, go to Flip, Blaise’s restaurant – high end burger joint… Krispy Kreme milkshakes… Freaking phenominal!
P.P.S. As an Atlantan, I am wholly embarrassed by that faux “Real Housewives of Atlanta” show on Bravo. Seriously, those women are not representative of the “Real People of Atlanta”, and I hate watching their little ads pop up on this show. That show needs to die on the vine.
P.P.P.S. 3 chefs from Atlanta on TC6. I have been to Eno and Pura Vida, and highly recommend both as well. Eno is 6 blocks from where I live, and Pura Vida is about a mile or so away. Both are well worth the trip to come to Atlanta!
Not one crack about Kelly’s large head?? I live for those.
Best part of Top Chef Masters? Reading your play by play. Seriously. You hit the nail on the head with all of your comments! Thanks for making what is in general a dull show so much fun.
I think that KEY-ah-rello thought he was being cute with the whole say my name/who am I thing. He failed. Which is sad, cause I do think he’s cute.
Yeah, OK, because MICK-ay-ell KEY-a rrrrello is the king of I-tal-i-ANO pronunciatione. Shit, the douche can’t even pronounce ‘bruschetta’ correctly. And don’t even get me started on the ‘bal-ZAM-ico’ thing. I’d like to shove some GRAY SALT up his ass. And he calls FABIO his ‘paisano.’ I think not. I could have chopped his fucking carrots. God, I hate him.
I mean, come one, even SPIKE thought he was full of himself? What does THAT tell you?
Still, this was a pretty damn great episode, if for nothing else but to see Douchearello get slammed by all those other chefs. Anita didn’t have her heart in it for the the last two times, and as much as it pains me to say it, Douchearello had the better food.
I do think the judges were more impressed by Keller’s prodigious output more than anything else, though. That’s just my Bayless fandom coming out, though.
Sorry I couldn’t be here last night. I did watch though and thought Lo got ripped by not being told she’d be out in the sun. Then again, a raw bar was kind of a cop out, so I’m torn. Still pissed that she got the boot though.
My GF ragged on Choi all night. Said she looked like a hoochie mama. I can’t disagree.
BTW, I have had ENOUGH of that slutty corpse, Gael Green. I can’t remember what she said that pissed me off so bad last night (thank you Xanax) but I remember that I was appalled. I’m not above righteous indignation, OR taking up more than my fair share of Michele’s comment section. 😉
Dude. I totally saw Kelly take a bite of a shrimp. Chris pointed out that the camera left her before she chewed or swallowed, and that she may be one of those kind of bulemics who chew up their food and spit it out. Seems reasonable.
And Hubert’s admission to smoking last night was TOTALLY an homage to pot. It wasn’t even thinly veiled.
You can never go wrong with Richard Blais! Or the Nutella and Burnt Marshmallow Milkshakes at his restaurant, Flip, here in Atlanta! Good work RB! It was great to see you on Top Chef again!
damn this post was flipping spot on and perfect. 20 stars!
Holy lord, I love this blog post!
Chiarello. I don’t know about you, but I seriously doubt he’s got all the dots on his dice.
Hubert Keller, arguably one of the greatest chefs in the last 25 years comes off as humble, sweet and very, very groovy. Not a hint of “I’m French, you’re a douche”…but Michael “say my name” Chiarello deserves to be jumped by the very same Latino workers he’s competing for…for realsies. Kick his culo, peeps.
For once I was emotionally invested in that shite.
“Take him to Fist City, Dale,” I heard myself mutter.
WHAAA???
Honestly, who the hell does that? Anondized saute pan to the noggin, please.
As for Kelly–she used to do some work here in NYC and the girl can eat. No lie.
Someone needs to tell her that she’s lookin’ like a drag queen doll. And not a cool one.
After this episode, I am in love w/Hubert. I think I can take his wife in a fight, so keep your eyes peeled.
That ‘galaxy of stars’ comment made me vomit in my mouth juuust a little bit.
Dude, get a grip on yourself and if you MUST, please excuse yourself and steal away to the men’s room for some serious cruising for foodies.
Wow.
Sad to see Anita go, but she was just defeated. I’m sure being in close proximity to Chiarello had something to do with it.
Funny thing is I thought he was gay all these year. That’s not a crack, believe me, my gay friends deserve better.
Thank you for the post, though. Good stuff.
Chiarello made me channel Hank Moody; “I knew it, you really ARE a dick.”