And then there were five:
– Art “I’m jolly, goddamit. JOLLY.” Smith
– Hubert “I’m so French, I’m practically fake” Keller
– Rick “No really, I went to Mexico for the food” Bayless
– Michael “If I had a nickel for every person who wanted to shove some NapaStyle up my ass I could buy the state of California” Chiarello
and
– Anita “The One Who’s Going to Win” Lo
The question is: will they make good television?
PREVIOUSLY: Watching Hubert dice an onion is like watching Astaire and Charisse. Michael Chiarello surpassed previous levels of dickery. Anita Lo was a silent killer. Suzanne Tracht’s animatronics failed and got her the boot.
10:02: QUICKFIRE: Gourmet burger cookoff, plus side dish.
Did Chiarello just say he wanted to suck out Keller’s soul? I think he did. Not in so many words, maybe, but I know what he’s up to.
10:03: Spike is a judge. I see he hasn’t learned any positive hat-related lessons since his time on the show. Then there’s the Supersize Me guy and other guy. Poor other guy. I’m sure he’s someone noteworthy, but now he’s just other guy.
10:06: Art’s secret weapon: delicious food. He’s a sneaky one, that Art. Don’t let the other chefs figure out your secret.
Keller’s got a gourmet burger joint, so the pressure’s on. Plus, he’s gotta fend off Chiarello the succubus.
10:08: Rick: A queso fundido burger with 3 guacamoles. Bayless is taken aback: “They have three totally different guacamoles, they can’t even perceive it!” Because two of the three are INVISIBLE, which is part of what makes the dish so exciting.
Burger wrapped in a hoecake: redemption for Art.
Terrifying burger the size of my head: overcompensation for Chiarello. What are you trying to say with that burger, Mike?
10:10: Chiarello ties with Rick, which means Chiarello’s soul-sucking proboscis now has a new target.
Anita Lo: 1.5 stars. Ouch. But I have faith.
10:12: Top Chef Vegas starts later this month. And already, Girl With Neck Tattoo is getting my panties in a wad. YOU ARE NOT EDGY. MY MOTHER-IN-LAW HAS TATTOOS.
10:14: ELIMINATION: A lunch party for Zooey Deschanel. There are just a couple things the chefs should know…
– vegan
– gluten intolerant
– no soy
So, carrots on a bed of grass, and a nice glass of water with lemon.
10:16: Each chef gets a course. In order: Keller, Lo, Chiarello, Bayless, Smith.
Chiarello finds her off-putting because of the horribly unfair limits she puts on his culinary genius. I’m sure the feeling is mutual. I have a great idea, Mike: serve beef! Think outside the box! The judges will love it.
10:19: Bayless is like teacher’s little helper in the grocery store, explaining ingredients to everyone. Because once again, we’ve forgotten that WE ARE COMPETING WITH ONE ANOTHER.
10:21: I gotta say, a lot of this sounds good – white gazpacho, avocado timbale, tamales, spicy eggplant, lentils.
Some of it sounds not so interesting – quinoa pasta. Chiarello.
Lo is unsure about her lentils. You can do it! Stand behind the lentils! Or use your ninja powers to find better ones.
10:22: How do you make vegan almond brittle? I’m not being judgmental, I really want to know. Unless Art thinks butter is vegan, which is entirely possible. Also: pre-made rice milk frozen creamy dessert? Shenanigans: officially called.
10:24: Chiarello: do you think the fake French accent is funny? Do it all you want, but you will never be Hubert Keller. YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BUS HIS TABLES.
10:27: I was right: she does find Chiarello off-putting. He doesn’t really help his case by being BEYOND SKEEVY. You are married and 20 years older than her. Also, she doesn’t give two shits about you.
Oh wait, that’s me. My bad.
10:29: Gael is trying something new this week, where the hat color matches the cardigan embroidery rather than going with an entire monotone outfit. I appreciate the effort! Or maybe it’s just laundry day at chez Greene.
Chiarello almost tips a whole table and is saved by…Keller. And whose table did he almost tip? Keller. Thank goodness that “accident” was averted!
10:30: One waiter spills Hubert’s white gazpacho on his pants. I know I always enjoy being served by someone who appears to have been the target of a pigeon with irritable bowel syndrome.
10:32: Anita’s lentils are “too sturdy.” The doubt, she creeps in.
Everyone is charmed by Chiarello’s quinoa past. Zooey wants to hug him. Don’t do it, because he will totally cop a feel, and then you would feel yicky forever.
10:34: I would go vegan for Rick Bayless’s tamales and greens. At least, for the time it took me to eat them. Then girlfriend wants some flan. And bacon.
10:35: Art is a NERVOUS WRECK when he is not being the court jester. And when his food doesn’t suck. A sigh of relief: I think Art sucks more than Lo…but I don’t trust the producers.
10:40: The next top chef is going have 17 chefs? I’m going to need a team of bloggers to cover this.
Interlude: Rick Bayless is anal and demands only the finest watercress. Fascinating! Thank you, show.
10:43: LOVE-FEST JUDGES’ TABLE: Okay, that’s not embroidery, it’s an ENORMOUS lizard broche. God bless this crazy woman.
10:45: Lo: “I put oil on the eggplant and let it sit overnight.” UnBalaban: “Oh, I see.” Which is UnBalaban code for “FAIL.”
UnBalaban’s button-down is the same color as Gael’s hat, confirming my suspicion that they call each other the night before. Also, they sit very close to one other, I think so they can have tickle-fests and fix each others’ hair during commercial breaks.
10:46: Chiarello: Artisan Pasta Love Celebration Italian Store Bought Excuses Excuses blah blah blah. UnBalaban will disappoint me if he buys that steaming pile of bullshit.
10:48: UnBalaban is also amazed at the butter-less brittle but NO ONE WILL EXPLAIN. God damn it.
Tousled-hair British judge and Art Smith lock horns over the store-bought rice milk frozen dessert product, as well they should.
10:49: I love how they keep referring to “the vegans.” Something about it is borderline offensive to me. “The vegans were so excited.” Vegans: they’re almost people!
British judge buys Chiarello’s excuse for buying store-bought pasta, but is ready to kick Art in the teeth for the store-bought rice milk frozen almost ice-cream like dessert food.
10:51: Art is universally panned, except for the brittle, which remains unexplained. Thanks for nothing, show.
10:55: Hubert, Chiarello and Bayless, predictably, have the highest scores. Keller, 19 stars. Chiarello, 22. Bayless, 19. GOD DAMN IT.
UnBalaban, on Chiarello’s pasta: “A comforting bowl of yumminess.” Really, UnB? You edit fucking Saveur. That’s the kind of crap I write when I’m cranky and drunk.
10:57: Bottom two: Lo, 13. Smith, 12.5 stars.
Thank god, the show gets something right.
10:59: And now Smith cries. And then the hugging. Always the hugging.
NEXT WEEK: Old Top Chef contestants come back, as sous? They clearly don’t like Chiarello any more than I do. Chiarello used to “eat three Dales for breakfast” with a sprinkling of gray salt.
Thursday Night Smackdown 
I know I already left a comment today….but GOD I love you…..
Crazy Hat McDoucherson! Crazy Hat McDoucherson!!!!!! If only he could hook up with Crazy Hat Gael Green…
anita not doing well on the first challenge? awwww that makes me depressed. especially when michael got 4 stars. grrrr….
yes anita! I’m rooting for you!
Disclaimer: I’m here. But life handed me TWO shit sandwiches today. Therefore, I’m thoroughly marinated in xanax and vodka. Please forgive me for any asshattery I might spew forth.
Katy Perry, I mean Zoey (they totally look alike) is a nightmare to cook for.
anita, i’m rooting for you. but you were iffy about your soup when you made it. you just sounded iffy about your lentils. omen? bad sign?
i hope not!
Oh God! I am on the edge of my seat to find out if Art thinks butter is vegan. I don’t have TV and have to rely on you. Instead of TV I am making Red & Chocolate Pepper Garlic Jelly.
It was really weird, when you slice the Chocolate Pepper it actually smells like chocolate.
Ugliest food served, so far, in any episode.
Anybody for some White Castle?
i’ve never wanted someone to fail so bad as art. it seems like everyone else agreed that the rice milk ice cream was fail.
did Bayless really just sound like a whiney brat, or was that clever editing on Bravo’s part?
though I do applaud his anal retentiveness
Chiarello, you sly bastard…
thirteen stars? i’m slightly depressed here.
Anita will totally come back full steam ahead next week. I put my good word on it.
And dude, Chiarello won with bought pasta?
Apparently butter is vegan
http://www.bravotv.com/foodies/recipes/strawberry-champagne-soup
gainser, spike will never be able to pull off a hat like gael. never.
robbingpeter, i’m with you. and as we see from JC’s link, he does. sigh.
syd, white castle? you ARE marinated in xanax, aren’t you?
emily, totally agree. although i’m still waiting for keller to win on.
jc, i call BULLSHIT. or maybe just stupidity.
Oh yeah! Richard to the Mother Grabbin’ Blaise as a sous next week! Damn sure looking forward to that. Ok Michelle, I have to side with ‘NapaStyle’ on the bought pasta. Nothing wrong with that in my book, but buying ice cream for your dessert id utterly wrong. Art ‘I cooked for OprahBama and will remind you of it each time I can’ Smith made a crucial error in going with the ice cream. He should have done a sorbet, proving that he does indeed know how to make sorbet. By the way, I have made your egg-topped pasta many times. Tonight, I made the pasta (store bought…) and a Gorgonzola/Parmesan cheese sauce in heavy whipping cream, tossed in the pasta, topped with the poached egg and garnished with floured and fried artichoke hearts. My cardiologist is on call just in case! Looking forward to next weeks live blog, and am sooooooo wanting the next season of TNS Top Chef regulars. 3 chefs from Atlanta this time!
oh, i agree. i’m totally cool with hubert (or rick) winning, if not anita. seriously, anyone but chiarello.
Did you see that asswipe Chiarello squeeze the lemon with his mouth? What a jerk.
Just wanted to stick up for Chiarello! I like him a alot. Why all the hate here? Show me some Michael love!
I almost barfed about the mouth-lemon-squeezery. Ew. But I have to say with my heart in the right place that I think Anita is boring. Not her food, just her face and voice. I want Bayless to win because he’s such a complete dork that it’s endearing.
I always thought Chiarello was gay (his “wife”? Riiiiight), but he comes off a lot more child-molestery in this one than gay.
Hahahahah! That’s me laughing out loud – I don’t do that other thing. 😉
Hilarious – this is pretty much the exact commentary my hubs and I exchanged while watching the show last night. I like Chiarello though – he’s not gay, he’s sex on a stick! And I loved the guacamole comment from Bayless too – and the little outtake reel about what a dweeb he is. I think they were trying to say he’s a whiner, without being mean about it. 😉
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *SNORT* snicker…snicker…snicker.. Oh, excuse me 🙂 This is frikkin hysterical girl, I swear Thursday is my favorite day of the week b/c I can come read your TC posts – can’t WAIT for the new season for just that fact.
So.. the gay Jeremy McGrath doppelganger wins… well, I guess I’ll watch my tivo this weekend.
Just to ease everyone’s mind about Spike and his stupid hats… he doesn’t just do it for TV. I was at his burger joint on a random Friday at like 2 in the afternoon and he was running around in a striped fedora practically screaming “NOTICE ME!! NOTICE ME!!! I WAS ON TV SOME!!!” but no one did. Poor poor Spike. Good burgers though… and excellent fries.
and what is up with the term “cheftestants?” give us a rant on that one! i’m in tears over this post!
I’m just now calming down enough to comment. Chiarello? All I can say is, “Blech.” Art Smith? Bye. That took a while. Yeesh.
Anita Lo, Keller and Bayless are awesome. If they do not win I will stage a hunger protest until one or all of those three send me food.
The key to butterless brittle is baking soda. I used it when I was vegan – that dumb period in my 20’s…I should have partied and done everything else instead of being a vegan workaholic.
Anyway, glad Art is gone. Was getting really annoyed at his namedropping. Shows how insecure he is.