I came home from work today and threw my bag, a pile of mail, a newspaper and a balled-up cardigan on the kitchen table. There was ample room for them all and I thought to myself, “This table could stand to have some more shit heaped on it.”

The answer: placemats. Maybe then we would actually eat at the kitchen table rather than at barstools at the kitchen counter. (Right now, we don’t eat at the table because of all the crap on it.)

Below: The three main contenders.

Coloring placements! Featuring a NARWHAL! ‘Nuf said.

Pop-up placemats! Featuring spreads way nicer than the take-out pad Thai you’re sitting down to eat, cold and alone, as you watch Wheel of Fortune on mute while reading “Twilight.”

Judgmental placemats! You should try to have foods on your place that match multiple colors on this Pantone-inspired placement for optimal health. I bet if you picked apart all the individual components of your Whopper with Cheese, you’d come close.