Hello All,

I was in the kitchen a few moments ago getting a cup of coffee when I had two fruit flies FLY OUT OF THE TOASTER at me.

Looking around, I noticed some desiccating grapes, a mostly-eaten container of blueberries and a partially-eaten banana in various bowls on the counter. [Name Redacted] happened to come into the kitchen a moment later, and when I spoke to him about the need for a workable institutional fruit storage policy he immediately recognized the problem, ate the offending banana and deputized me to address our fruit-related issues.

When we allow fruit flies to infest our small kitchen appliances, the terrorists win.

The AC is off nights and weekends. It gets hot. Fruit is delicate. You don’t want your toast to taste like fried bug. Therefore:

  • Please, please don’t leave cut-open fruit on the counter. Put it in the fridge. Find a banana-share partner. If you are not hungry enough to eat an entire banana and are too physically incapacitated to put the leftovers in some tupperware in the fridge for future consumption, consider NOT EATING THE BANANA.
  • If you find half-eaten fruit on the counter and are hungry, eat it. It’s the cleanest solution for all involved. If you are not hungry, see if [name] is. He’s like a goat and will eat anything.
  • If you’re stirring sugar into your coffee and notice that the grapes in the bowl have started to physically meld with the ceramic, throw the grapes away.
  • If you’re stealing [name]’s and my half-and-half and see a plate of rotting fruit that someone has helpfully tried to ‘hide’ in the refrigerator, please throw the fruit away.

If you have any questions or concerns, I don’t care. Put your damn fruit away.

Thank you.

If this or anything like this happens to you, feel free to adapt this email for personal use.