What I really REALLY want is for Fox not to air that horrific “The Bachelor: Plus Size Ladies Edition.” Let’s marginalize AND objectify size 14+ women AT THE SAME TIME. Genius! Show it on the National Geographic channel as a disturbing sociological study, fine. On Fox? May ravens pluck out mine eyes.

SAVE ME, RETAIL THERAPY.

So that we ladies can watch our waistlines that we may never suffer the indignity of having to resort to the plus-sized Bachelor rather than the socially acceptable size-4-and-under Bachelor that is our last remaining place to see love outside of Match.com and Rock of Love IX: If This Tour Bus is Rockin’, Brett Michaels is Having a Drug-Induced Seizure and Someone Should Probably Call 911, there is Topoware.

Made to look like a topographic map, it instead helps you determine appropriate portion sizes. But not according to any actual nutritional guidelines, which would be boring – according to your hunger level (full, hungry, very hungry) age (adult, child) or degree of avarice (moderate, modest, greedy). I will quibble with the “mom, dad, child” until they release a “mom, mom, child” or a “dad, dad, child” or a “domestic partner, domestic partner, Golden Retreiver” or even “37-year-old woman, cat, cat.”

Still, job well done. Love the plate. Love the corresponding mat. Buy at Folksy.