I want to be genteel. That’s a little difficult to pull off when you’ve spent the past 72 hours tweeting about your bowel problems to total strangers, but I think I could do it if I had this.
(HEY! YOU! Yes you, the person not bothering to go past the jump. Top Chef Masters premiers tomorrow night! Be here, or be somewhere else. But it’s way more fun to be here.)
Try not to be overwhelmed by the gentility of it all. Can’t you just see the garden party, the apothecary spigot jar full of freshly squeezed lemonade, the cut-crystal tumblers, the ladies-who-lunch in matching sundresses and hats eating tea sandwiches? Who wants a jam thumbprint with their Earl Grey?
And then you realize those are the neighbors, and you’re at my house where there are three apothecary jars lined up on the table – homebrew, moonshine, and liquid pork – and it’s your turn to pick which one you want to kneel under with your mouth open.* Wear your best cut-offs!
*Correct answer: Liquid Pork