ETA: I have been informed by an eagle-eyed reader that tonight may merely be an episode that “leads up” to the finale and DEAR GOD WHY. Have I put my immortal soul in jeopardy for nothing? GODDAMNIT.
Joy! Rapture! It’s the last episode!
Tonight, either a very dull woman or a redneck will win a position of nominal but not actual authority at the Borgata in Atlantic City. The thrill!
And then, we hunker down and wait until Top Chef: Masters starts on June 10th.
I implore you: join me in the suffering. It will be cleansing! I promise! Jesus suffered, and look what he got: a seat at the right hand of the fricking LORD. AND he expiated your sins and you know what you’ve done, you degenerate, so THE VERY LEAST YOU CAN DO is keep me company.
Now look, it’s caused me to blaspheme. Goddamn this fucking show. If I find out this is a 2-hour finale, HEADS WILL ROLL.
THIS SEASON: I missed the first 6 episodes because of Top Chef, thank god. There were a bunch of contestants I never got to see, which doesn’t matter because they all sucked. Some of them set things on fire! Where do they find these people? We did, however, miss this delightful gem:
Redneck: “I’m the best cook here.”
Martyr B: “You couldn’t cook my dick.”
Also there was a Bar Mitzvah. It was hard to like Fatty despite his heart disease because he’s a huge jackass, figuratively and literally, and I’m still not sure he actually speaks English. Ramsay insulted someone by calling them a “doughnut,” which may or may not actually be insulting; I love doughnuts. And there’s your season.
9:12: Why do we always need the voiceover: “And now, the continuation of Hell’s Kitchen.” Yes, Voiceover Man, we know. WE’RE WATCHING THE FUCKING SHOW.
So angry, and it’s only 9:12. Sad.
This week: the HK version of restaurant wars, Dull Girl v. Redneck.
9:14: But that’s tomorrow. Tonight: Getting wasted on champagne and completely failing to plan. How many times can you toast yourself? The answer: TEN THOUSAND MILLION.
9:15: Everyone is hungover. Dull Girl gets to work anyway. Redneck stands around shirtless, in his PJ pants, eyes closed and apparently shivering. Is this a hangover or the DTs? Someone bring this man a giant fucking joint. And then bring me one.
9:19: They get to work with a designer who helps them plan. Danny is baffled by the design-speak. A bench, used to define space instead of just being stuck up against the wall? What is this, some kind of magical land where benches can be dislodged from along walls? Madness! Also he wants to mount a giant marlin on the wall. You know, “in a classy way.” Designer: “You don’t want to be the head chef of Billy Bob’s Fish Shack.” Except I think maybe he might.
“Classy mounted fish” may the first innovative thing I’ve heard on this show.
9:20: The names of their restaurants are equally dumb: Sunergy (Dull Girl) and either Susan Marie or Velvet Hammer (Redneck), which is either going to be a shitty restaurant or a shitty Whitesnake bar cover band in Tenafly, New Jersey.
9:22: Surprise twist! It’s like the contestants live in Groundhog’s Day, where they keep living the same experience over and over again. Except that they never catch on and they’re still shocked by the twists EVERY TIME.
Who will watch the restaurants while they’re whisked off to Atlantic City? I can’t wait to find out after the commercial, although we all know that it will be kicked-off contestants.
9:26: Commercial: Keifer Sutherland, implicated in head butting incident. Awesome.
9:27: Their special advisors are not old contestants, bucking cooking-related reality show convention. If we can’t trust reality show producers, who can we trust?
It’s their families and/or significant others. Who I’m sure know a lot about restaurant design.
Dull Girl’s mother is not to be trusted, and I love it. This will all be worth it if Dull Girl has to return to a pepto-pink restaurant. Redneck might have an advantage if his girlfriend can reign in his seafood-on-the-wall design aesthetic.
9:30: Dull Girl’s design runs afoul of the fire marshal, resulting in the hated “fakey candles.” Redneck’s girlfriend runs afoul of the restaurant designer, to whom it appears the ceremonial shiv has been passed.
9:32: Ms. Redneck found fish to display. Clearly, they are a good match. Unfortunately, the bench idea is not working out the way Danny had hoped, because he was so baffled by the designer / hungover / high / stupid.
Dull Girl’s sister also seems to have been hit by the stupid stick. Also the over-processed hair stick.
9:34: Denis Leary’s Hulu commercial: Not as good as Alec Baldwin, because that’s logically impossible, but he does refer to the human brain as “skull beef,” so +2 for that.
9:37: Redneck and Dull Girl have an “important meeting” at the Borgata which consists of the current Borgata staff being forced to cheer for them at gunpoint.
The Borgata COO takes a look at their menus and picks the dishes he would order…
9:39: …or IS ORDERING! SHOCKING TWIST #2! You must cook those dishes now. In 45 minutes. While the Borgata staff watches and cheers, although presumably they heckle and/or take naps when the camera is not on them or the guards put the tasers down.
9:41: Tasting the food: chefs from other Borgata restaurants.
Redneck: “Who doesn’t like lobster?”
Answer: The guy tasting your food. The lobster, she is delicate. When you jerk it, it may as well be chicken. Dull Girl takes it.
9:43: Chef/Judge #2, tasting Redneck’s dish: “Yummy.” Thank you for that insightful critique. I really feel like the food came to life for me.
Redneck’s duck takes it, so we’re tied. I’m sure that was completely random and unplanned.
9:44: Last round: Redneck has a twice baked potato, which = automatic fail as far as I’m concerned.
9:48: HOW DO YOU WIN WITH A TWICE-BAKED POTATO? Will you also be serving Hamburger Helper? Oh, I’m sorry, you specialize in seafood. Tuna Helper.
9:50: Dammit, Dull Girl’s restaurant isn’t pink.
Redneck does have mounted fish. And they are classy, and when I say classy I mean “holy shit that’s a hot mess.” Redneck is concerned with how the restaurant will look after the benches and pillars are done. You’re worried about benches? YOU HAVE MOUNTED FISH.
9:53: You know, we could have done the whole finale in one hour if they didn’t go to commercial every six minutes. Take the show off the pitocin drip, you whores at FOX.
9:54: Another surprise. No, stop. I can’t take ans excitement. My heart.
Guess what? Your kitchen brigade will be ex-contestants. Trust in reality show producers restored.
9:56: Some of them are people I know. Some of them are people I don’t. None of them are people I’d want over to my house for dinner.
9:57: Team picking! Redneck takes Martyr B, That Whiny Guy and Carol, aka Duller Girl. Dull Girl picks Shiv (out of fear, obviously), LA and Lacey.
9:58: Shiv: “If she slacks off, I will come at her like a tornado.” That’s my Shiv!
NEXT TIME: The ACTUAL finale. Will the ex-contestants help, or will they sabotage? Will JP come out of the closet? Will my eyes actually start to bleed? I can’t wait!