Tonight, the final three:  Redneck.  Shiv.  Dull Girl.  If we get through another entire episode without someone getting shivved (can you use that as a verb?) I’m going to be seriously pissed, no matter how many times Ramsay calls someone a donkey.  Come to think of it, I bet JP secretly shivs people, including customers he doesn’t like.  Can we give him his own show? Sigh.  See you at nine.

LAST WEEK: The egotistical sweaty guy got the boot.  Thank god.  Apparently, the remaining three are “the best of the best.”  For seriously?  I would be sad; you know, if I cared.

9:03: Family members! Hugging! Crying!  It took Hell’s Kitchen to get Shiv to realize how much her family really means to her.  Again, I would be sad.

Aw, they all look so happy.  I’m almost touched.

9:05: CHALLENGE: Lunch for 100 distinguished guests.  Ninety minutes to cook 100 tasting portions of whatever you want.

Shiv is losing her shit…and rooting herself on.  Out loud.  I almost have pity.

9:08: Customers: great chefs from across California.  SHOCKER!  The participants freak out.  Because they would have made better food, had they known.  I almost feel scared for them, but then I just laugh.

Hey! Suzanne Goin! Why have you debased yourself?

9:10:  Redneck: “This is going to be gnarly.”

Seriously, he’s so high ALL THE DAMN TIME.  How does he get anything done?  I’m on Robitussin DM right now, and I can hardly type two words in a row.

9:13:  Shiv just said “prosciut.”  Cardinal sin.  It is ITALIAN.  We pronounce ALL THE LETTERS.  ALL OF THEM. Shiv: You are on notice.  Even more than you were before.

Shiv does some chicken thing.  Dull Girl, sturgeon.  Redneck, Halibut.

9:15:  2/3 of the room hated the same dish: Redneck.  That’s why you need to lay off the junk, man.  3/4 loved the same dish: Dull Girl.  She’s like a dull, lifeless dark horse.

Dull Girl’s prize is to get treated like a pretty, pretty princess.  What would they have done if Redneck won?

9:18: Dull Girl gets to go on her day of beauty with JP!  Who almost seems like he’s coming on to her in the car, because he totally is.  It’s just as slimy as you’re imagining.  I want him to be catty and delicious, not all “hey, baby, what’s you’re sign?”  I’m not upset, I’m just…disappointed.  I expect more, JP.

Redneck is bummed.  Also he can’t iron.  One thing is clear: dude’s stash is gone.

9:20: Dull Girl’s back!  She looks…exactly the same.  Can you be remarkably dull, or is that a contradiction in terms?

9:21: Part 2 of Dull Girl’s prize: Going on the Fox morning show, Good Day LA, for a food demo.  That’s a prize? I would be FREAKING THE FUCK OUT, and not in a good way.

9:25:  Commercials: Everyone in the world has swine flu.  Including you.  Prepare your will.

9:27:  Turns out the television adds 10 pounds of dull.

9:28:  The last dinner service.  Redneck’s found some 420 and is back on his game, such as it is.  Tonight, everyone takes a turn at the pass.  Do they get extra points for screaming expletives?  Because then I could totally win this show.

9:32: Dull Girl at the pass.  She’s not yelling enough, and can’t tell squash from carrot.  In her defense, they are both orange.  She can, however, distinguish green things and is able to tell watercress from spinach.  Well played on this basic challenge, best of the best!

9:35:  Commercials: The Julie/Julia Project got a book deal AND a movie? With Meryl fucking Streep and Stanley Tucci? And Amy Adams, which is NOT how I pictured Julie.


Especially if Stanley Tucci is involved.  He can play Brian!  They’re both bald and fabulous!

9:38: Redneck at the pass gets a sabotaged ticket from JP.  His voice goes all pimply-faced boy.  Apparently, his paranoia comes out at the pass.

9:44:  Shiv at the pass.  Her strong point: yelling.  She’s put on her “aggressive panties” this morning.  Maybe they work for her, but they sound scary to me.

She is a seriously good screamer.

Scratchy-voiced sous chef is going to give Shiv a run for her money in the shivving department.  She is riding his ass HARD.  It must be the aggressive panties.

9:49:  They have to give individual opinions as to who has to go.  Apparently they have to discuss it among themselves, to up the animosity factor.  And the shiv factor.

9:52:  Moment of Reckoning: Shiv picks Redneck, because of his insufficient yelling. Redneck picks Shiv, because she doesn’t share her weed.  Dull Girl picks…commercials!

This is not enough of a moment to justify a cliffhanger commercial.

9:54:  Commercials: Really, you have swine flu.  Probably end stage.  Tell your mom you love her.

9:55:  Dull Girl picks…Shiv.  Ouch!  This would totally be the shivving moment, if it weren’t on camera. I hope they haven’t swapped addresses so they can KIT.

9:56:  Shiv is out, so Dull Girl can sleep easy tonight, because I’m sure the show has decent security.

NEXT WEEK: AN EPIC BATTLE.  Fish mounted on the wall.  A surprise under a dome.  Is it a severed head?  I hope it’s a severed head.  Martyr B’s severed head.  Because I couldn’t stand that fucker.  Unfortunately, it looks like he’ll be in the finale to help and/or sabotage and/or bluster.

ALSO:  Sorry about your swine flu.  It’s been nice having you as a reader.